Three adults, seven days: here’s how we survived our latest family holiday. 

Much has been written on the art of travelling solo. For obvious reasons, far less is said about holidaying with your parents as a single person in your 30s. We can all aspire to eat, pray and love our way to self-actualisation. I can confirm that this is much harder to pull off with your mum and dad in tow. 

One thing no one tells you about moving overseas, as opposed to travelling, is that annual leave becomes your primary love language for your family. You might feel more independent, but all those miles between you come at a very practical cost. If, like mine, your parents live in another country, then time off work is your only chance to spend any time in their company. If, like mine, your parents are still together, then a communal holiday is a seemingly logical choice. 

According to The Guardian, “multigenerational travel” has been trending since the Covid-19 pandemic. But if there’s one thing we now know from social media, it’s that trends are not inherently good. With no partner as buffer and no grandkids as content, there’s a very real risk that travelling alone with your parents will bring out the worst in all of you. You may be adults, but family history can be a powerfully infantilising force. 

My parents and I have now survived two trips around New Zealand, and we’d like you to know that you too can make it out with your relationship intact. Here are our top tips for genuinely enjoying your time together. Therapy was a prerequisite, at least for one of us.

Planning: delegate and communicate your vision of the holiday

Fran: You may think you know each other all too well by this point, but it’s worth being clear about your definition of good rest. For some people (Dad), it’s agonising over jigsaws. For others (Mum), it’s soaking up the local history. I need some exercise to feel catharsis and saying this upfront meant I could sweat out any resurrected teenage rage.

Dad: Embrace the fact that your child is old enough to organise logistics. Agree on the extent to which you want to plan by committee, or trust someone (ideally them) to call the shots.

Mum: Consider the tiki tour approach to travelling: if some places aren’t to everyone’s liking, at least it won’t ruin the rest of the trip. This holds true for weather and pastimes. Lowering your expectations also helps.

Participants: call on others for company

Fran: If you’re familiar with the notion of internal family systems, then you’ll know that your actual family can trigger some wounded ‘inner parts’. Plan ahead and scope out where your nearest friends might be for backup. Sometimes all you need is someone who will throw a frisbee with your father, or make polite small talk about their anthropology degree. 

Dad: Give yourselves a chance to meet new people, whether that’s a tour guide or a stranger in their togs. Not only does this help to keep your conversations flowing, but you’ll broaden your perspectives (and your daughter’s dating pool.)

Fran: When your Dad makes friends with the cutest single in your area, make your move in a respectful kind of way. Parents love a scoop for the family group chat, but you probably shouldn’t ditch them for a date in Dargaville.

Pastimes: divide and conquer

Mum: By now, your child is functionally (if not financially) independent. Where possible, make sure they have a chance to find some freedom, even if that’s in a nearby glamping pod. On our latest trip, we booked out two adjoining cottages: more space for puzzles, and for Fran to do their thing.

Fran: As lovely as it is to be reunited, less can be more when you’re used to being apart. Of course, you’ll want to ‘make the most’ of precious time together, but staying sane is a key component of that goal. Mornings are a good time to choose your own adventure, then you can reconvene, refreshed, for a more amicable afternoon.

Dad: People need their space, but try to find the things you all like doing, be that climbing hills or looking round a local gallery. For better or worse, I share a lot of DNA with my daughter. Holidays can be a lovely chance to find your common ground.

Perspective: be realistic about your relationship 

Mum: No one wants their children to inherit all their foibles, nor their genetic predisposition to disease. Travelling together throws this into sharper focus, and it can be confronting to watch issues from your generation bleed into the next. On the other hand, you’ll see where you’ve passed on your virtues and your values. Maybe your child’s childhood wasn’t so bad after all.

Dad: Holidays reveal the many ways in which your children are not perfect. Lean into these moments as an exercise in grace. On our last trip, that meant watching Fran reverse into a fence post and listening to a steady stream of angst about their stuttering career. Everyone will grow in subtle ways throughout their lifetime, so try to be expansive in your understanding of yourselves.

Fran: Relationships don’t change because you’re meant to be relaxing, and preexisting tensions will persist when you’re away from home. If there’s a certain source of friction in your family, do your best to dodge those stormy waters. For us, that means letting Mum take charge of navigation, but it doesn’t hurt to pack an extra jigsaw or two.