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Food goes a long way. (Image: Tina Tiller)
Food goes a long way. (Image: Tina Tiller)

SocietyJanuary 7, 2025

How you – yes, you! – can be a godsend to a new parent

Food goes a long way. (Image: Tina Tiller)
Food goes a long way. (Image: Tina Tiller)

Everyone can help lighten the load for a struggling new mum or dad. Here’s how.

The Spinoff needs to double the number of paying members we have to continue telling these kinds of stories. Please read our open letter and sign up to be a member today.

As I recently detailed in personal terms, being a new parent is hard. Brutally, brutally hard. “What if I just sent my baby down a river in a Moses basket?” hard. A million exhausted parents will warn you that “nothing can prepare you for how hard it is”, and even that won’t prepare you for how hard it is.

Much of the problem needs to be worked out on a systemic level, involving policies like paid parental leave and more flexible working arrangements for new parents. But the proverbial village matters a lot too. No matter who you are, you can help lighten the load for a new parent in your life. Here’s how: 

Drop off food

If you make a killer lasagne or casserole, that’s perfect. If you can’t cook or you have no time, a meal delivery service, ready-made lamb ragu from Farro or a Pak n Save chicken korma is perfect too. If you have a bag of feijoas from your tree, drop it round to the feijoa-loving new mum or dad you know. Baked goods and snacks are great, because breastfeeding women are constantly ravenous. One of the best food drop-offs I received as a new mother was a huge tub of peanut butter and massive tin of Milo from my sister, who knew it was what I was craving post-birth. 

If you’re not sure about dietary stuff, ask, but you also can’t really go too far wrong. If you bugger it up and drop off a beef bourguignon to a pair of vegetarian parents, they’ll just serve it up to one of their many visitors and be really grateful for the thought. It’s best not to linger too long at the house, especially in the early weeks, and might even pay to leave your offering at the door or in the mailbox, then text to say it’s there. 

Forgive a new parent for bailing on social engagements or not replying to texts

It’s really hard to concentrate on a text when your baby is grizzling or about to put toenail clippers in their mouth. It’s even harder to get out the door for a social engagement. New parents usually feel really guilty about all their unanswered texts and thwarted attempts at hanging out. Assure them they don’t need to, or at the very least, hold in your pass-agg comment about their flakiness. 

Clean their house 

Parents live in pigsties full of stray Duplo blocks, balled-up nappies and dirty dishes. It’s disgusting and they usually hate it, but it’s just how it is. For new parents you know really well, simply show up at their house and start cleaning it, no questions asked. For anyone else, do some seamless tidying while you’re already visiting: fold clean washing while you chat, retire to the kitchen to quietly sort the dishes, that kind of thing. 

Cold, hard cash is always useful for new parents.

Understand who you’re dealing with, and tweak your approach accordingly

As I sit here imagining the prospect of a friend showing up, mop in hand, to clean my house, a point occurs to me: some people are pathologically averse to asking for and accepting help. Like, they just can’t do it, and will feel insanely guilty about any support they do receive. The Venn diagram of people like this and parents who get postnatal depression has huuuuge overlap, and it’s why the “It’s OK to ask for help!” line can feel almost cruel to a suffering new mum or dad who won’t say so. 

There’s only so much you can do for a horse who won’t drink the water you’ve led it to, but if you know the new parent in your life is allergic to asking for anything, you might want to adjust your approach. Repeat your offers of help, insist that you mean them, and if it feels right in the circumstances, do stuff like cleaning and dropping off food without asking and in spite of “No, you don’t have to do that, really!” protest. 

Send money 

When my baby was born my aunty asked for my bank account and then deposited $100 the same day. It was simple, lovely and really helpful. New parents often end up being gifted 40 merino onesies and no muslin wraps, or vice versa, plus money is usually tight when you’ve just had a baby, so money and gift vouchers go a long way.

Don’t stress too much over getting your approach exactly right

I hope I didn’t alarm you with the thing about merino onesies. It’s actually fine to have 40 merino onesies; they’re indispensable in winter and stretch heaps. These are just suggestions on a list, they’re not commandments from heaven. Whatever you do will be lovely and fine. Just don’t get paralysed by indecision and self-doubt and do nothing. 

Text the new mum or dad a string of heart emojis

I just thought we needed an easy one here.

Always nice to receive.

Come over and hold the baby for a short while 

There’s so much stuff that’s near impossible to do while you’re looking after a baby: showering, drinking a cup of tea from start to finish while it’s still warm, scrolling on your phone without feeling guilty, taking a shit. If you can pop by to hold someone’s baby for 10 or 20 minutes – even if you’re “really bad with babies” and even if the baby screams the entire time – offer to do so. 

Childcare for big chunks of time can be a big ask and tends to require a degree of closeness, but anyone can hold a baby for the length of a couple of Bluey episodes, and even the most help-averse parent should be able to handle this too.

Remember the parents after six weeks 

The new baby grind doesn’t magically stop after six weeks, but that’s usually when the meals, gifts, supportive texts and offers of support start dropping off. You can do any of the things on this list for someone with a three-, six-, and nine-month-old baby… and beyond! 

Swallow your unsolicited advice 

This is a big one. Unsolicited advice is often the most reflexive and well-intentioned response to hearing someone is going through a hard time, but you have to understand that new parents receive an absolutely torrential and overwhelming amount of it. Just so, so much advice, sprayed at them like a firehose every day.

Other parents are often the worst offenders because they feel compelled to share the Good News about whatever One Weird Trick worked for them. “This milk-warming device SAVED my LIFE! You NEED to spend $200 on it!!!!!” Probably what they need more is the opportunity to vent and chat without intense product recommendations and pressure to figure out some mythical perfect approach to parenting, so try to give them that.

Swallow your stressful developmental comparisons

As above, but swap out “Oh, she’s still not walking yet? My baby walked when she was six months old. Have you checked everything is OK?” Pure, unnecessary anxiety fuel. 

Open the door for parents you see struggling to get a baby, bags and stroller through it

An incredibly easy one almost everyone can do……………. but not everyone does. C’mon!!

Let frazzled mums jump the line at the supermarket 

I can’t stress enough how much you should simply let a frazzled mum behind you in the supermarket line jump ahead of you. 

Text them another string of heart emojis

OK I’m done.

First published April 2, 2024.

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— Editor
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a small brown girl wearing a brown skirt and running shoes, is slightly out of focus as she strides across a grassy path, with big mountains and a blue sky in the background
Cross-country, homeschool style (Image: courtesy Mathias family)

SocietyJanuary 6, 2025

What I learned (and didn’t learn) from four years of home education

a small brown girl wearing a brown skirt and running shoes, is slightly out of focus as she strides across a grassy path, with big mountains and a blue sky in the background
Cross-country, homeschool style (Image: courtesy Mathias family)

Summer reissue: For four years, Shanti Mathias learned at home, with her siblings as her only classmates. How did it affect her?

The Spinoff needs to double the number of paying members we have to continue telling these kinds of stories. Please read our open letter and sign up to be a member today.

Every now and then, when I go to my parents’ house, I find a relic of my years of homeschooling in the back of a drawer. For the four years that my siblings and I were homeschooled, regular packages would arrive from The Correspondence School, now known as Te Kura. The bags were dark green, with flaps on the top, sturdy. Inside were booklets to fill out, art supplies and copies of School Journals. Once they were empty, we reused them to hold muesli or keep books dry on camping trips.

We were homeschooled because we lived in a remote area of India with no English-language schools, and the resources from Te Kura were our connection back to the place we’d been born. Outside, wildflower meadows grew high and lush and the khaki river nibbled at the last dirty remnants of snow; inside our house, we were reading about ice creams and beaches. New Zealand sometimes seemed like a dream, revealed in textbooks and attempts to make ginger crunch, not direct experience. 

a valley with big mountains and mud brick houses with rainbows arching over them
A view in one of the northern Indian valleys where Shanti was homeschooled. (Image: courtesy Mathias family)

School would finish at lunchtime so my parents could do some work; in the afternoons, my siblings and I would do ironically-named homework – spelling, addition, reading Danny The Champion of the World to debate the morals therein – then be free to do what we wanted. 

I remember lots of hours reading the encyclopaedia while shelling sweet, juicy peas from the fields next door. My siblings and I played a spy game, and would have meetings on the rock in the river to take notes about whether any of our neighbours had done anything suspicious (they never had). We made little rafts to float down the irrigation ditches and trained for cross country – a three kilometre loop through the fields, which my brother won every year – or played badminton. Family videos from that time, when I was between the ages of six and 10, are chaotic: four loud children surrounding my mum with the camera, demanding attention, making faces, full of opinions. 

The possibility for projects was endless, taking full advantage of whichever adults around had time to help. My dad used the dial-up internet to look up the size of the planets, so we could attempt to make to-scale models of the first five planets of the solar system. I felt sorry for my sister, who had chosen Jupiter and discovered it was a lot of work. A visiting surveyor taught us some basic orienteering skills, and we followed the compass across the bridge, marking landmarks on the way; when heavy snowfall meant we had to stay inside at the hospital that had employed my parents, we did a unit on blood, making models of arteries and visiting the lab to test our blood types with little droppers to see which antigens we had. (I learned something from this about the composition of blood – so much of it is plasma – and the genetic inheritance of blood types, but have no memory of what an antigen actually is.) 

a grid background with a photo of an educational poster about blood
A poster about blood and a hanging planet installation, made as part of homeschooling (Image: courtesy Mathias family)

For about six months, our family lived in Delhi, the big city a stark contrast to the Himalayas. I read a lot of books with castles and forts, and being in a city full of them was a dream, even if it was always crowded. Along with the families of some friends, every Wednesday our parents would take turns taking us on a field trip to a museum or garden or palace. As the weather got hotter into the summertime, we would buy ice blocks from stalls at the side of the road, and get the Metro home with lips and tongues stained bright green. 

It’s hard not to be nostalgic for those four years of homeschooling. The opportunity to do PE classes in a valley carved out by a glacier, learn Indian history by going on trips to old buildings made of warm sandstone, and take holidays at times when the weather was good was wonderful in so many ways. The flexibility allowed by the Te Kura packs, as well as the support of a family friend who would come and teach us for several months at a time so my parents could work, made those experiences in that unique place possible. I didn’t care much about that as a kid, though, mostly gloating during visits to New Zealand that I only had to do school until lunchtime.

As a sometimes-sullen, introverted kid, I liked home education because I didn’t have to interact with people beyond my household. I was the co-star of the play (four actors, one of whom was my mother), always second or third in cross-country (in a bid to make sure everyone was a winner, I was often also Most Improved), top of the class for English (all those books read in the long afternoons, scribbling stories with my twin sister), put in the extension class for maths (my dad tried to teach us algebra at age 10, and I didn’t understand how a letter could be a number that we didn’t actually know), and flailing, along with the other two students, at Hindi (external help – someone’s niece from the next village was a very patient teacher). 

I don’t like the stereotype of homeschooled kids not knowing how to socialise, but when I consider my mostly happy memories of learning at home, it’s hard not to spot loneliness I couldn’t identify at the time. When I started going to a “normal school” a few months before turning 11, I found the learning easy, and liked that convoluted projects were still on the cards (making a diorama to learn different prepositions). 

At the same time, I had a hunger to learn all the things other kids seemed to know easily, a lack of familiarity I sometimes associated with the years of home education. I went to a sleepover and was asked who my crush was: I picked a boy no one else had named at random, and tried to learn the rules. Crushes weren’t supposed to last for too long, so for the next few years I tried to rotate the crushes I named every few months. Suddenly, little brothers were supposed to be considered annoying, not key playmates (who were at times annoying). I tried to share an enthusiasm for One Direction, even though I never learned to tell Liam and Louis apart. 

A SMALL GIRL WITH PATCHES ON HER STRIPED LEGGINS WEARING A SOFT ORANGE HOODED SWEATER WALKS AcROSS a pipe with polluted air and some men standing in the background
Shanti Mathias walks across a bridge on the way to a park in Delhi, 2010. (Image: courtesy Mathias family)

Things slowly got easier. I made a few friends who also liked to read Guinness World Records in the school library at lunchtime, or wanted to go to the computer lab so we could spend our free time messaging each other on the internet. I retained a slight disdain for many of my classmates, jealous of their basketball abilities or familiarity with the oeuvre of Glee. Maybe some of this is inherent to my personality or the circumstances; I won’t ever know if school would have been more straightforward for me, socially, if I hadn’t had those wonderful yet isolated years learning with only my siblings for classmates. 

What I do know has stayed with me from those years of homeschooling is that learning things doesn’t just happen in classrooms(/bedrooms/living rooms). You can learn something in the blood lab of a small hospital, in the smoothed pathways of an ancient fort, with hands sticky with drying flecks of home-made paper, while observing the dreaded social ritual of picking sports teams for PE as an 11-year-old acclimatising to being surrounded by peers, from the contents of a plastic bag shipped all the way from New Zealand – and if you’re lucky, you’ll get the chance to try it all. 

Watch the full series of Home Education on The Spinoff here. Made with the support of NZ On Air.

First published October 10, 2024.