I’ve met someone new, but I’m haunted by the ghost of my last relationship.

This week’s question comes from Instagram. We accept questions of all shapes and sizes, emailed to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera 

How to calm tf down and feel safe/relaxed in your first relationship after a very not nice divorce?

Sincerely, Haunted

Dear Haunted,

There’s nothing like coming out the other side of an emotionally devastating breakup to make you feel temporarily invulnerable to pain. But when you start falling for someone new, all those dormant fears and insecurities come creeping back, like lice into a recently fumigated motel. Deep vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with terror, and there’s no terror like the one you feel when falling in love for the first time, after having your heart comprehensively broken. 

So how do you let go of the fear long enough to relax? 

The boring answer is patience. Trust is built slowly, over months and years of accumulated evidence and small proofs. But in order to get there, first you have to have faith. And it’s hard to have faith when your heart has recently been through the wringer. But there’s no faster way to torpedo a new relationship and irritate the living shit out of your new partner by putting them in the position of constantly having to reassure you they’re nothing like your scheming ex Carol, the professional jewel thief. 

It’s good to confide your worries about your past relationships to your new partner. But there’s a delicate balance between speaking honestly about your fears and putting your new partner in the position of having to constantly reassure you they’re not hoarding piles of stolen necklaces under the floorboards. Nobody likes being measured against a ghost, even a malevolent one. 

It’s hard to predict the problems you’ll face in your new relationship by comparing it to an old one. It’s like going on an Antarctic expedition dressed in tropical scuba diving gear because you spent so much time snorkelling in your previous marriage. And then you arrive and discover that breathing underwater is the least of your concerns. 

If you do keep accidentally repeating a hideous pattern, you might want to take some time away from the dating scene until you can figure out why you always end up with professional catburglars. But if your current relationship bears no resemblance to your last one, and you still find yourself needlessly stressing out, here are some thoughts on how to move past it. 

• Stop trying to protect yourself against future pain. Falling for someone means accepting your own helplessness. You can set boundaries and tell your new girlfriend you don’t want to see her casing out Michael Hill Jewellers, but ultimately, being open to love means being open to having your heart demolished. It’s all part of the bargain.
•  There’s nothing you can do to prevent someone from fucking you over if they really want to. This might seem depressing, but it can also be liberating. Aggressively guarding yourself against being betrayed, hurt, or otherwise screwed over is not your job. Your partner is responsible for their own actions, just as you are responsible for yours. I’m not saying turn a blind eye to large stashes of jewellery hidden in the wall cavities, but there’s no sense in watching them like a hawk for any signs of skulduggery because not only is it offensive to your partner, it’s a complete waste of your time.
• If you have to constantly police someone’s behaviour, they’re not worth being with. 
• It’s more painful to be constantly vigilant against romantic peril than it is to trust wholeheartedly and be proven wrong. 
• If you are proven wrong, it’s not the end of the world. You’ve endured worse and can do so again. Give yourself credit, and trust that if it happens, you will be strong enough to survive it, just as you have already survived your divorce. Don’t suffer twice by borrowing imaginary griefs. 
• All of this is obviously easier said than done. But if you have patience, act with the courage of your convictions, and know that if you have your heart broken again, you’ll be able to rise to the challenge, little by little, I think that feeling of safety will start to return.

Best of luck,

Hera