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SocietyDecember 17, 2016

Dear Ms X: Why can’t people just shut the hell up about my weight?

Guest writer
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What gives people the idea that they’re entitled to comment on your weight, or your appearance, or your eating habits? Our in-house therapist helps one reader deal with the endless unsolicited opinions.

Dear Ms X,

I am in a bit of a rage and I need to work out why before I go all blood wedding on a few of my friends and relatives.

Why does it piss me off whenever somebody tells me I look like I’ve lost weight or comments on a photo of me saying something along those lines or even using the word skinny?

It immediately makes me so angry.

Specifically one of my skirts I usually fit into nicely is a bit big at the moment and was falling down a little at work and I complained about it briefly, like I was just filling silent space and my coworker was like ‘omg are you losing weight??’

Their eyes were fucking beaming.

Then my cousin just commented on my Facebook photo saying ‘skinny girl’ (not the first time she’s commented on it), I deleted it, I can’t put into words why it makes me so mad.

I don’t know if I’m grumpy because I’m insecure or secure.

I don’t even have a second thought about other people’s body’s so why the hell are they commenting on mine and why am I worked up about it?

By the way I am an average and healthy size and weight for my height and BMI – I consider myself to be a person with a healthy weight and body image.

I don’t binge diet, I try to exercise and eat healthy around the normal cravings for carbs when I have my period or a shitty day.

I am not constantly instagramming bullshit fitspo whole grain propaganda either, so why do people, especially other women, think it’s ok to just have this conversation or actually make these statements publicly at me?

I know with the skirt comment at work I may have started it or maybe encouraged it but the rest of the time I am not one of those people obsessed with imaginary weight.

It doesn’t feel like they are complimenting me with these comments on social media – it feels weirder.

What gives?

 

Hello Caller

Ooh good, I can return to two of my favorite themes. Good manners and keyboard-specific stupidity.

You will have noticed on social media (much like in life) women are rewarded for looking pretty and slim. We have whole TV shows dedicated to makeovers and weight loss.

I have noticed it myself with a kind of amused horror. When I use a photo that is a bit glam on Facebook, I get a zillion more likes and lots of “wowza girl” comments.

I feel the sickly trickle of ego inflation pumping up whatever gaps I have like a tragic air mattress at a camp ground. In that moment I simultaneously understand the Kardashians and feel like gross click farmer.

I could blah on about commodification and competition between women, but this is a help column so lets pull this apart and work out a way to understand whats really happening when we talk to each other like this and how we shut it down if we are uncomfortable with it.

When we are paid a compliment there can be a shadow side to it, an underlying implication or even a clear judgement that is implied.

What seems on face value to be a compliment can in fact tell us all about the person who delivers it. I have a friend who self describes her build as curvaceous. She says people on Tinder will sometimes say “oh what a pretty eyes you have”.

She says this sometimes feels more like “shame about the rest” and it often signals that they are either not into her particular body shape or that they are subtly negging her. And she takes that as a useful clue as to whether she wants to talk to them anymore.

With respect to your cousin’s comment of “Skinny girl” it may have felt darker in its intent because it’s not exactly “Yaaaaaaas Gurl” or some other charming piece of fluff comment. I think that you felt there was an undercurrent that indicated something abut your perceived worth.

I don’t think your cousin is consciously negging you but it may indicate how she feels abut herself or even how she thinks you should feel about yourself. It will be interesting if she notices that you deleted the comment and if she says anything. You may want to think up a few words in preparation in case she brings that up over Christmas lunch.

You can of course be completely up front with her and say “I don’t feel comfortable with comments about my weight in public forums because I feel it adds to the utterly vile commodification of women and girls in our society. More pav?”

Generally there there is a proud and important history of women being uplifting to each other in social media comments (slay kween and many heart eyed cats etc) in a way that subverts the cacophony of criticism aimed at women from every other avenue.

With the work situation you describe maybe it has been unfortunate theme that all got rolled into a ball, a perfect storm of opinions you didn’t want or need in a short period of time from Facebook cousin and workmate.

But the difference between the two situations here is that you are dealing with coworkers vs family.

So what are ways that you shut down that type of stuff at work?

More widely what do you do so that you don’t feed the self doubt monster? How can we pay compliments to other women in a way that means we aren’t somehow signaling what we think their value is?

With the workmates I think you have to lead by example. Don’t complain about clothes not fitting if you know that sets fire to your coworkers biggest loser ambitions.

Find other stuff to talk about. I don’t say that glibly – it can be really hard to change the tone of banter from ‘Oh I ate too much and a customer asked if I was knocked up and/or my pubes are fighting to establish themselves as a world heritage site’.

But if you don’t want to hear other peoples opinions about your body then don’t start those conversations unless you build a layer of armour.

Have some friends you can debate skin care/contraception/odd smells or whatever with, but keep it plain at work so you don’t encourage it .

I know you didn’t exactly say anything super personal but I think you are experiencing something I see with women a lot and have been conscious of myself – a kind of fatigue at being looked at and appraised. That is a totally real kind of wariness and maybe right now you have just had enough. Frankly, posting pictures of your cat while you have a detox from other people’s opinions would be a completely legitimate response for now.

Meanwhile you have inspired me to move to making non appearance-based observations on all my female friends’ social media posts:

‘Woah, check out those non-emotive responses on you’, ‘Omigod I’d agree to your maternity leave’ or ‘Shit girl, you are going to totally get equally paid.’

Ms. X

Got a question for Ms. X? Send an email to hellocaller@thespinoff.co.nz, ideally including key information such as your age and gender.

All messages will be kept in the strictest confidence and your name will not be published. If you wish to remain completely anonymous, consider using a free remailer service like Send Email.

Need help now?

Lifeline 0800 543 354

More Reading

Youthline 0800 376 633

OUTline (LGBT helpline) 0800 688 5463

More helplines can be found at the Mental Health Foundation’s directory. For a list of Māori mental health services, click here.

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SocietyDecember 16, 2016

‘I share in rugby’s joy, but despair at the controversy’: Barbara Chapman at the Rugby Awards

Staff writers
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At last night’s NZ Rugby Awards, ASB chief executive Barbara Chapman electrified the room with a speech challenging the sport to reflect on the scandals of 2016 and do more to address diversity. Her speech is published below, following a note of introduction from Scotty Stevenson

Last night New Zealand Rugby honoured its best and brightest at its annual awards ceremony in Auckland. As usual, the sponsor of the event was afforded the chance to offer some introductory remarks. This year, that sponsor was ASB Bank and its CEO, Barbara Chapman, walked onto the stage and did something very few people in her position would do: She stood in front of a room ready to party, and challenged everyone in it to be better.

Her speech to the room was electrifying as much for its content as for the context in which it was delivered. Here on rugby’s night of nights was a naming rights sponsor prepared to say that the game her company has put its name to can do more to be inclusive and self-aware; that the game must take transformation seriously.

It was a powerful statement to make in a room packed with rugby’s most powerful names. On the day New Zealand Rugby appointed Dr Farah Palmer to its Board – the first female in the 124-year history of the organisation – here was another powerful, intelligent woman staunching up the joint like a total boss.

From the back of the venue you could see every woman in the room grow two inches taller. At the front, next to New Zealand Rugby CEO Steve Tew, sat Sarah Goss, the captain of the New Zealand Women’s Sevens team. At the table across the aisle: Fiao’o Fa’amausili, captain of the Blackferns. Tough as teak.

Everywhere, strong women: Portia Woodman, Kendra Cocksedge, Louisa Wall, Renee Wickliffe, Rebecca Mahoney, Niall Williams, Farah Palmer. All have represented their country on the rugby field. They were front and centre, not hidden away in the back corner table.

Selica Winiata, the women’s player of the year, sat on stage later that night after receiving her award, kicked her shoes off, and told everyone she hated wearing dresses.

Selica Winiata’s simple act of being publicly comfortable in her own skin was just as much of a statement as Chapman’s opening challenge. Taken together, however, they signified in unison that the game is changing. For its part, New Zealand Rugby, by giving Chapman the freedom to say what needed to be said – namely, there is so much good in this game, but let’s not pretend its perfect – on their big night, demonstrated it is willing to embrace that change.

— Scotty Stevenson

AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND - DECEMBER 15: All Blacks Adidas Team of the Year with coach Steve Hansen (L) ASB CEO Barbara Chapman (C) and captain Kieran Read (R) at the ASB Rugby Awards at SkyCity Convention Centre on December 15, 2016 in Auckland, New Zealand. (Photo by Fiona Goodall/Getty Images)
Barbara Chapman, CEO of ASB, flanked by All Black coach Steve Hansen and captain Kieran Read. Photo by Fiona Goodall/Getty Images

Barbara Chapman’s speech at the NZ Rugby Awards

Kia Ora

Distinguished Guests, Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome.

There’s no doubt, this has been another hugely successful year for rugby in New Zealand, across all levels of the game.

But along with success on the field, over the past year the role of rugby, the conduct of rugby players and the importance of sport in the context of New Zealand society has been the subject of a great deal of media scrutiny and kitchen table debate.

I see this debate as a good thing.

Rugby, as well as being something we love, is a lightning rod for everything which is good, and a few things which are not good, about New Zealand. As a nation we feel that rugby represents us and we want to be proud of it. As a sponsor our team at ASB aligns with what is best about rugby, and we feel bad when that standard is not met.

And as a New Zealander, and a woman, I share with you the joys and highlights of the game but despair at the controversy which can engulf the sport we all love.

In many ways, rugby is a microcosm of New Zealand society; so much good and positive work is done by the rugby community and yet, just like New Zealand society as a whole, there is always more work to be done around building diversity and ensuring people from all backgrounds feel included and valued.

And because rugby is the lightning rod for this debate in New Zealand, as a New Zealander and a sponsor I applaud the work Brent Impey and Steve Tew and his team have done to critically review what good conduct and good governance means in sport, and how to set their bar higher.

I applaud the rugby union on the appointment of Dr Farah Palmer to their board after nearly 125 years of no women representation, and wish her well, but tonight – on behalf of the team at ASB and as the major sponsor of tonight’s event – our applause needs to go to all the outstanding men and women of New Zealand rugby who have, do and will continue to make us proud New Zealanders.

This is your night to celebrate. Thank you for letting us be part of it.

Merry Christmas.

Society