Behold. A new invention: the Barbara.

I have always envied men their barbers, and have long had on my list of things to do “invent the barber for women”. Obviously, this invention would be called the Barbara. 

But what’s wrong with a hairdresser, you say. I’m glad you asked. My list of issues is long and unhinged, and once you’re across them, I trust you will promptly diagnose me with some disorder/neurodiversity/personality flaw.

I do not want someone to wash my hair, with my neck angled in some unnatural position and wedged up against cold porcelain. I do not want to sit in a chair in a salon for a long time when I could be doing the 73 other things I need to do, or like to do. I do not want to make extended small talk with a person I know only because I have hair and they know how to cut hair. I do not want to listen to other clients who have hair make small talk with other stylists who know how to cut hair. I do not enjoy breathing hairspray and ammonia. I do not want to be upsold detangler and heat protector and leave-in conditioner and volumising shampoo, regardless of whether it contains keratin or active botanicals.

I do not want to book in again now for four weeks’ time, because I don’t know what I’ll feel like doing in four weeks’ time and if I went to the hairdresser every four weeks, it would make me quite a lot poorer, both in terms of time and money. My preference is to leave it until I look as though I have fallen upon hard times (~14 weeks) and then make an appointment. I do not like it when I walk in after ~14 weeks with dry ends and drooping layers, and see the despair in the hairdresser’s eyes. I’m happy being dishevelled, OK? Can you just try to mask that contempt?

I think by now you can probably guess how I felt when David Seymour decided ensuring hairdressers could serve alcohol should be one of his new Ministry of Regulation’s first priorities. What? Am I now socialising at the salon too? 

Now, before you @ me (although do let me know what you’ve diagnosed me with – extra info: this is not limited to hairdressers. I do not go and get my nails done or voluntarily attend any sort of grooming appointment, and I hate committing to anything weeks in advance), many people love going to the hairdresser. It’s a treat for them to sit and chat and read magazines and walk out with a beautiful new do. Great. The Barbara is not for them. 

The Barbara is for women who want the simplicity men enjoy. I have it on good authority the male of the species can rock up to a barber when they feel like it, no appointment needed, and just wait their turn. The barber does not wash their hair. The barber does not try to hem them into a four-week cutting cycle. The barber does not have shelf upon shelf of things that contain keratin and active botanicals and does not try to upsell them. 

Don’t even try to tell me I’ve invented Just Cuts. I’m well aware of the mall salons, and if you think Just Cuts is a Barbara, you need to do your research. Barbers are not, for the most part, located inside shopping malls, and while they don’t tend to upsell hard, they are not cut-price/the equivalent of fast food. 

During the research phase of inventing the Barbara, I have discovered that some hair salons invite “no talking” appointments, and some barbers don’t care what your gender is and will cut whoever’s hair. Excellent, but the Barbara will take this stuff out of niche mode and into the mainstream. See you at the salon.

This was first published in Veronica’s free Saturday email newsletter: The Weekend. If you don’t already receive it, sign up here: