My boyfriend is generous with his money, but I’m starting to worry about our financial future together.
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Help me Hera – my partner is not a finance bro.
I love my partner, but he is not the most financially literate man in the world. Money was tight in his family growing up and what they got they spent.
It’s not that he is super reckless with money – we have enough for rent and groceries each week. He just lives in the moment money-wise and thinks there isn’t really much point saving for bigger things like travel or a house or retirement as they are just unreachable fantasies.
He’s also super generous – he’ll shout his mates a round of drinks or take me out for a flashy dinner. However, I know that had he saved that money, we would have had enough for an overseas holiday or a new (secondhand) car by the end of the year.
The older we get, the more the anxiety starts to creep in about being able to afford all the grown up things like a house, kids, retirement, caring for relatives etc. (We’re already having to help his parents out here and there for things, due to the aforementioned lack of saving.) We have been together for almost five years and have a shared account for bills and other essentials, but otherwise keep our finances separate.
I guess what I’m asking for is not so much financial advice as a way to broach a conversation (or many) with him about what to prioritise and how to live life a bit more in the long-term lane.
– Adulting and anxious
Dear Adulting,
First of all, you should thank your lucky stars that your partner isn’t a finance bro. Having someone generous of heart is a thousand times better than dating some neurotic business cretin with pinstripe in his veins, and a scrapbook full of photos of designer wristwatches he pores over in the dead of night.
On the other hand, we (unfortunately) need money to live, and the sooner you two start having conversations about this, the better.
I can’t decide if I’m the best person or the worst person to answer your question. On one hand, nobody would describe me as a financial maverick. On the other, I can deeply relate to your partner in this scenario. I hate money. I hate thinking about it. I hate talking about it. Conversations about savings goals and retirement plans fill me with a potent mix of boredom and existential dread.
When you factor in widening inequality, the grim state of our housing market, and how difficult it is to find a well-paying, future-proof job, it’s no wonder that many people consider saving up enough to buy a house, have children and retire a bygone fantasy.
Having said that, your goals are not outlandish. I bought a house a few years ago with my partner, something I would never have believed possible without a few eye-opening pep talks and a motivational hatred of Barfoot and Thompson. Saving up the money for a deposit was difficult, but not as difficult as shaking the mindset that home ownership was impossible. Once I came around to the idea, it wasn’t nearly as daunting as I thought it might be. But it took a little financial evangelising to get me there.
For a start, I don’t think your partner’s generosity means he lacks financial literacy.
If you grow up in a family that struggles to pay the bills, money becomes emotionally loaded. When you see your parents picking up extra shifts and going without to give you things they can’t afford, you’re painfully aware of the love and sacrifice their generosity represents. It’s telling that your boyfriend isn’t just spending his money on things for himself. He’s lavishing it on others. I think when you see your boyfriend throwing money around, buying friends drinks and treating you to extravagant dinners, that’s his way of showing love, and the gesture means a lot more than if he’d grown up heir to a vast pharmaceutical fortune.
Still, that doesn’t mean the money wouldn’t be better off saved. So how do you approach the conversation?
If money has always been a source of anxiety for your partner, any conversation about savings will inevitably be stressful and bring up a lot of insecurities. It’s easy to feel that the amount you earn is a referendum on your worthiness.
I absolutely think it’s worth having a deeper existential conversation about your future plans and savings targets, but if I were you, I would start with a concrete goal. If you’re not used to saving money, it’s a lot easier to have something specific to work towards.
Pick something modest and achievable you can both look forward to, like that overseas trip you mentioned. Is there a country you’ve both always wanted to visit? Decide you’re going to make it happen. Do some research, agree on a budget and a timeline. Create a shared account and figure out a realistic savings plan with weekly/monthly targets. Any savings goal should be proportional to your income.
Don’t be too ambitious on your first attempt and save up for a round-the-world luxury cruise. The idea is to pick a goal that is manageable, doesn’t take more than a year to achieve, and has a great payoff that the two of you will always remember. Alternatively, you could save up for that used car. But I think a trip is a great idea, because the excitement of planning takes a lot of the sting out of learning to save. Every time you get bogged down by unexpected insurance costs or passport renewal fees, you can plan a trip to an orangutan sanctuary or Tolstoy’s grave to distract yourself. It’s a lot easier to learn to save when saving doesn’t feel like a punishment.
I think having a specific, achievable goal is a great first step when learning how to budget as a couple. If you know you can work together to reach a shared target, it’s a huge confidence booster and makes it a lot easier to discuss saving towards something bigger in the future, like a deposit for a house.
If you approach the conversation with a sense of ambient future dread, it’s only going to spook your partner. But if you approach this first hurdle with a sense of excitement and solidarity, it will put your mind at rest and set you up for those deeper conversations about your shared financial future.
Best of luck.
