I have a huge crush on her. Is this going to blow up in my face?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

One of my (28F) closest friends is in a long-term relationship with his girlfriend. They’ve always been open, and are one of the strongest open relationships I know. Recently, me and his girlfriend have been getting closer, and we hooked up a while ago (with full blessing from my friend).

His girlfriend has told me that she would like to date me more seriously (not gf stuff but regular dates etc). I have a huge crush on her, and if the situation was different, it would be an easy yes. But I keep thinking about all the ways it could go wrong, and how that could lose me a close friend. I’m telling myself I’m going to be firm and shut it down, but then we hang out, and my brain shuts off in favour of a big blob of crush feelings and fantasising.

I really believe that people can date non-monogamously in mature ways that keep everyone’s feelings safe. But I know that while that’s true, it doesn’t mean things can’t get messy for me specifically. I know what I should do (steer clear), and I know what I want you to say (go for it, it’ll be fine!) – so I guess I’m just curious to hear your thoughts…

Thanks,

Poly in theory, petrified in practice

Dear Petrified in Practice,

I can’t, in good conscience, say go for it, it will be fine. But I can say go for it, even if it all goes hideously wrong somehow. 

What I know about polyamory could fit on the back of a complimentary tube of travel toothpaste. But it seems to me like you have good reason to be cautiously optimistic. The fact that your friend and his partner have a strong, established open relationship is a good start. The fact that you’ve already hooked up with this girl, and the world hasn’t imploded is another point in your favour. But the thing which makes me most want to shamelessly egg you on is that you obviously really want this. If that isn’t a good enough reason to try something new, what are we alive for? 

Obviously, there’s potential for mess. But that’s true of any kind of relationship. The best advice I can give you is to do a little soul searching and be scrupulously honest with yourself about the level of confidence you have in your ability to emotionally handle this kind of situation. Be real here. Are you an easily jealous or romantically tortured person? Are you easily able to articulate your feelings and navigate tricky emotional conversations without tying yourself in knots? Have all your previous relationships ended in disaster, or with a lingering mutual respect? Is the basis of your friendship strong, or are there ominous undercurrents of competitiveness which might come back to haunt you? 

A lot of people aren’t built for polyamory. There’s no shame in being an unrepentantly monogamous freak, jealously hoarding love as if it were a rare mineral deposit. If you know from the outset you struggle with jealousy, or are prone to falling catastrophically in love, I definitely wouldn’t pick your close friend’s girlfriend for an open relationship test run. On the other hand, if you feel quietly confident in your ability to casually date someone without it ruining your life, I don’t see the harm in giving it a try. I’m not saying that your self-assessment will prove accurate. But I do think there are some people who will never be comfortable with this kind of arrangement, and if that’s the case, it’s best to save yourself the heartache and disqualify yourself up front. 

If you pass your own rigorous psychological assessment, the next step would be to have a conversation with your friend to make sure they’re OK with this, and discuss expectations and boundaries. As far as I can tell, 85% of polyamory is about having emotionally excruciating conversations, so you’d better get used to it. 

I won’t say anything on the subject of good polyamorous relationship practices, just as I wouldn’t go to a submarine manufacturers convention to try and sell a new type of spigot, without having spent at least several years underwater. I’m sure the comments section will be full of book recommendations and advice for you to follow. Having a grasp of the theory isn’t a bad idea, but there’s nothing like a little old-fashioned trial and error. Sometimes the best way to know if you want to take up scuba diving is to break out the wetsuit and see how it takes you. 

I can’t promise this won’t blow up in your face. But there’s no romantic relationship in which you can guarantee freedom from pain or disaster. Isn’t that the implicit threat behind all love, which adds a little spice to life? Even if your feelings get hurt, or things get complicated, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a friendship ender. I’m tempted to say that if your friend has a happy and strong open relationship, he’s probably someone who values honesty, communication, tolerance and connection to others – in short, not someone likely to cut you out of their life without good reason. Discuss your worries with him, and see what he thinks. 

Only you know the strength of your friendship. But this is one of those rare situations where I can’t see any reason for you not to fuck around and find out.

Good luck!