The internet’s favourite debate is back in the news once again thanks to Labour, so Alex Casey tries to end it once and for all. 

Over the weekend, the Herald revealed that senior Labour MPs were asked whether they’d rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or a horse-sized duck as part of a recent training session, and the responses were rich and varied. Barbara Edmonds referred to finance minister Nicola Willis as a “duck-faced horse” (Edmonds has since apologised for the comment). Kieran McAnulty decreed that Labour was already up against 100 duck-sized horses (“because horses are full of shit”) and Ayesha Verrall answered to the tune of ‘Old Town Road’ by Lil Nas X.

“I’m gonna take my duck to the old town pond,” she sang. “I’m gonna ride till I can’t no more.” 

Beyond this incisive political discourse, the headlines have once again ignited the internet’s favourite “would you rather” conundrum. According the The Atlantic, the 100 tiny horses vs one big duck debate dates back as early as 2003, when blogger Dan Hill mentioned reading the question in a Metro newspaper. It then spread through the blogosphere to Yahoo Answers in 2006, to YouTubers in the 2010s, and then exploded on Reddit in 2012 after appearing in Obama’s Ask Me Anything, where it received thousands of upvotes but was left unanswered. 

Since then, the question has been posed to everyone (well, every man) from Bruce Springsteen (“a huge duck will fuck you up”), to Justin Trudeau (“I would imagine that a large duck would be fairly unpleasant”), to Warren Buffett (“I will go out and buy a bunch of ducks that meet the test and horses that meet the test and go have a real-life illustration”). The responses from bigshot international celebrities range from deeply simple to disturbingly graphic, while scientists and supreme court nominees alike have also weighed in with their hot takes. 

So, in a valiant attempt to either settle the debate or finally kill the internet’s favourite recurring joke once and for all, we asked a panel of local experts in ducks, horses and fighting alike. 

Shane “Mountain Warrior” Cameron, former professional boxer

Numbers kill. 

A veterinarian who has worked with both ducks and 500kg animals

If you look at the weight alone you’re looking at a 500kg duck or 100x 1-2kg horses. So I’d rather 100-200kg worth of opponents than 500kg worth of opponent. A duck nip scaled up 500x would be pretty intimidating too. Plus the duck can follow you on the ground, in the sky and on water.

Stacy Gregg, author of Pony Club Secrets and Princess and the Foal

To pose this question re: horses and ducks is to ignore the elephant in the room. And that elephant is asking why the hell animals are being used in a proxy war. I very much like both ducks and horses. They’re not the ones running roughshod over the treaty – that is the coalition. So… would I rather fight a horse-sized Chris Luxon or a hundred duck-sized David Seymours? Answer: Luxon – because that man simply lacks the ability to get his ducks in a row.

Vivian Chandra, self-defence kaiako at Kia Haumaru 

As someone that has worked in personal safety, I would avoid both. This is not a situation you want to be in, and I honestly think that in both of those scenarios I would be very much dead, or have a major concussion. But if I had to, I guess I would choose 100 duck-sized horses, and it would be like the end of a zombie apocalypse movie where I would try to kick as many of them away as I could.

There’s just no way you’d win against a horse-sized duck. Ducks are solid, and when it’s that size, that’s even scarier. If I had to go against the horse-sized duck, I’d try to take out the eyes, but again, they’re a prey animal, so they have vision that’s nearly 360 degrees. Not only can they see behind them, but there’s the big wings which can slap you. 

Kim Hartley, North Canterbury Duck Rescue

I don’t know much about the temperament of horses and how mean they can get, but I’ve got a paradise duck called Fuzzy Greg who is getting really territorial. He beat up another visiting paradise duck the other day, and now he’s trying to beat me up. He charges at you with his head down, bang, and then pecks with his beak. He attacks my gumboots, he attacks the food bucket, he’ll attack car wheels, he’ll attack rubbish bins, he will attack anything that’s walking past him. He’s the one that would make me say no, I wouldn’t want to fight a horse-sized duck.

Ruth Carlyle, co-owner Brumby Farm Horsemanship Centre

I think anyone with horse experience would be able to handle a lot of miniature horses and herd them out of the way, and then you wouldn’t even need to fight them. Horses have a natural herd instinct, and they’ll want to cluster together, and I think that that could be the strategy. It would require some effort, but I think if you use psychology rather than brute force, you could. I wouldn’t want to fight them – I’m a pacifist – but I reckon I could get herd them safely into a little paddock. It would have to be a very small paddock with very small fence rails so they couldn’t get through the gaps.

Rachael King, author of The Grimmelings and Song of the Saltings

My question would be why the hell are we fighting tiny horses? They would only fight you if you were treating them badly or threatening them in some way. We should be patting them and giving them treats and brushing their manes and tails or at the very least leaving them the hell alone to be a herd of tiny horses in peace. 

A spokesperson for Canterbury Equine Clinic

This must truly be one of the great philosophical questions of our time, up there with “does God exist?” and “prior to the existence of sliced bread, what was the best thing exactly?” Our veterinary staff were far too busy saving lives to answer your question, however as they deal with surly horses on a daily basis, they would no doubt prefer to take on the oversized duck, albeit armed with a syringe of Pentobarb and a decent length of rope.