Is it creepy to hang onto mementos from a past relationship?

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Dear Hera,

Having found myself again with a broken heart, I know that as I clean up all the pieces and put things back together, I will see that little box of love letters and keepsakes from the relationship, and wonder what to do with it.

Previously, I had held onto a few letters and things from past relationships, much like souvenirs of a holiday. Going into this relationship, I could see how holding onto them in secrecy could be hurtful. It was never a secret I had been in love before, and I couldn’t ever imagine looking at them again in a lifetime with this person. I got rid of everything. I let go of the past to pick up on the future. We were in love for many years, and then the future ended.

The words in all those old letters were for me, and they spoke to me. Those people saw qualities in me I didn’t always see in myself. They flattered me, built me up, they were romantic and genuine in feeling. They were like fairytale stories in which I was a central character, that I could read to escape what has been very challenging life. Even when love ended, it was evidence it had existed for me.

I have this idea that if I am alone at the senior age of high-waisted pants and park bench sitting, it might be nice to read those fairytale stories again.

Do I put a match to the little box of love letters? Or do I keep that fridge magnet with the bubbling mud from Rotorua, remembering only the best parts of that holiday…

Thanks,

High-waisted

Dear High-waisted, 

Commiserations on the broken heart. But you should absolutely keep the letters. 

I wouldn’t describe myself as a particularly sentimental person. I rarely look through old photographs and don’t keep diaries or notebooks or anything I wouldn’t want someone finding posthumously and using to heckle me at my funeral. There’s nothing more annoying than lugging boxes of ancient paperwork from house to house, as if you were Winston Churchill or some other person of vast historical importance, preserving your own archive for future generations. But even I think there are some things which should be kept! 

When it comes to anything that was genuinely meaningful to you – heartfelt letters, birthday cards from deceased relatives or old mixtapes made by friends – you should hold on to them. I think you have to be a bit selective. There’s no point tearfully holding on to the manual for a dishwasher that you and an ex once bought together, or a card from a second cousin you never really liked. Personally I think it’s a little maudlin to be constantly reading over old letters, like a young widow in a second world war movie. But you should keep the things that felt important at the time, even if your relationship with that person no longer exists. 

A good reason to get rid of something is if it brings no strong memories, and you’re hanging on to it out of a sense of obligation. A bad reason to get rid of something is because it makes your new partner jealous. 

I don’t know whether you got rid of your old letters because you personally felt weird about it, or because your ex asked you to. But it’s not fair to ask someone to get rid of mementos, as if burning the proof would somehow make the past cease to exist. Asking someone to do so reveals an emotional immaturity. You have a right to the evidence of your own life. We all have histories, and holding onto old love letters doesn’t mean you have any lingering feelings towards the writer, or any particular interest in re-reading them. Most people have a box of this sort of stuff that sits unopened and mouldering in the attic, with the intention of posthumously scandalising their future grandchildren with their hitherto unsuspected sexual prowess. But one day, when decades have passed, you might be glad you kept this stuff. Not because you have lingering feelings for your high school girlfriend Linda. But because letters and photographs reveal as much about your life as the person who wrote them, and the older you get, the harder it is to remember the person you used to be. 

There might be the occasional circumstance in which asking someone to get rid of something is reasonable – like if the letters were proof of a devastating infidelity, or explicit photos your ex wouldn’t want you to keep. But as long as you aren’t regularly poring over your personal stash of love letters, I don’t see the harm in keeping them.

It’s a shame those old letters are already gone, but it’s not too late to make a record of what you remember about them, before the microplastics dissolve the memories from your brain. 

Keeping old stuff is so normal I don’t even think you really need to discuss it with a new partner. But if it makes you feel better, you can always raise the subject with them next time, and make sure they’re OK with it, if not doing so feels somehow deceitful. 

Having said all this, if you are a person who has nothing but negative memories of your ex, and you can think of no greater catharsis than burning everything that ever belonged to them, have at it. Your life is not a museum, and sometimes it’s a relief to say “fuck it” and let the past go. But wait until the dust has settled before making any irreversible decisions.