Dating Files: A woman in Wellington who's not fussed about her partner's gender
'Are we really a good match, or am I feeling lonely or horny?'
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Age: 31
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Bisexual / Not fussed about their gender, as long as there's good vibes
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Administrator
My living location is: Our beautiful little capital
The apps I’m on: Hinge (But has been deleted as of recent)
I’m looking for: Genuine, long-term love, stability. Someone to wake up next to on a Sunday morning. The obvious things I'm looking for - shared politics, kindness, emotional regulation. I think to myself my standards are fairly straightforward, I date both women AND men so the dating pool should be huge, right? I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am, with all my silly flaws and annoying traits, and to love someone back in that way. Surely one day!
Mostly I’m finding: I've deleted the apps for now as I need a break, but have used them frequently for the last year. I’m finding the apps okay - not amazing, not horrific. I have met some lovely people through the apps, on paper a lot of them would tick my boxes, but so far, no luck.
My last serious relationship was: 2.5 years, ended amicably because we decided to just be friends.
The worst date I ever had: Thankfully no horrendously crappy dating experiences, just a lot(!) of meh experiences - it's fine, the conversation is fine, I feel tipsy at the end, and I go home to my cold room. See below for biggest red flag on a date, that's the closest I've come to a terrible date.
The best date I ever had: Still waiting for that 'sparks flying, lots of laughter, instant connection, three hours turned into seven hours' date! I've had some nice ones that went from pleasant drinks to a pleasant dinner, but they didn't lead anywhere in the end. If they make me laugh I'm a happy gal, I love to laugh loudly and I love a funny silly person.
The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date: I don't think I've done anything super weird (hopefully?) but I do sometimes leave the date and think Oh My God You Are So Awkward. I can be quite chatty and a bit silly, so I feel like I sometimes say strange things or do a funny voice and afterwards it haunts me. I think I'm fun to be around, but when I feel low, I feel like 'too much'. Working on the self-love though.
The best thing a date ever did for me: Recently had a loaf of bread baked for me, that was lovely and special. We ended up just being friends but it was such a kind gesture. I also love when someone finds a good movie or interesting play and books us tickets. I love organising activities and outings, so when someone does it for me, I feel cared for. Planning an activity on a date (maybe not the first one though) feels thoughtful and like a green flag to me.
The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date: I did have a man say "that's so lame" and "that's so stupid" when I was telling him something. It wasn’t a huge deal, if it was said with a smile and a cheeky grin, it might be OK - not the case here. I just think that's language I would not use on a first date when trying to get to know someone.
On a date I usually wear: I do like to wear something more form-fitting and a nice bra - I want to look in the mirror and think Hey Cutie! I put in a bit more effort into my hair, I make sure it's washed and the curls are sitting nicely. Usually just a nice top and jeans or pants - now that it’s warmer maybe a maxi skirt. I want to feel good, but also be comfortable. Maybe some lipliner if I'm feeling extra.
I have sex when: When I want to and feel comfortable. I don't want to 'hold out', but I don't want to feel pressured either. It has to feel good and natural. With women especially, I find it easier to feel safe and comfortable earlier on. I do have to be in the right mind space and find the other person attractive (duh.) I have not had sex on a first date - I've been offered it, but politely declined.
I wish dating was: Easier! Hence taking a break. It's sometimes felt like a cycle: Open the apps - match with someone - talk for a bit - we get a drink - maybe we get a second drink - it goes nowhere. There are always kind souls telling me to meet people in real life - I am trying this too! I have a busy social life, work in a large organisation, have hobbies, frequent gigs and gallery openings, drinks and parties very regularly, but so far no luck. I'm not entirely hopeless, just a bit exhausted.
This is what I think about who pays on dates: I usually just assume we'll pay for our own drinks. I don't earn a lot so I often can't offer to pay. I don't expect them to pay either, but if they do, it's always a lovely surprise. If my job paid better I'd love to treat 'my' person. While I can't do it much at the moment, I like to gift people handmade things, or plan low-cost activities together. I think you can show care in ways that don't require money, and I'd love for a date to show care and intention in that way.
Three words that describe my dream date: questions, laughs, flirts
My dating advice is: This is something I wish I'd been told earlier - it's as much about you liking them, as them liking you. I used to go into dates wanting so bad for them to like me, for me to come across as nice, normal, fun, you name it. I didn’t spend enough time thinking about whether *I* actually wanted to date them - I just wanted to be liked and accepted...Working on that one now.
Also, being intentional with my time - are we really a good match, or am I feeling lonely or horny?
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