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SocietyJanuary 29, 2017

Hello Caller: Help! I’m scared of my sexual fantasies

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In her final column for The Spinoff, in-house therapist Ms X answers the question: when do disturbing sexual fantasies become a cause for concern?

Dear Ms X

I’m 26 and have a question about fantasies. I really get off on the idea of being borderline assaulted, but know that I would definitely NEVER want this to happen in real life.

I’m psychologically strong and healthy and have what I consider to be a healthy sex life featuring plenty of other kinks that I’m totally comfortable talking about and acting upon. This fantasy though… it’s something I keep to myself — mostly out of respect for partners that may have been assaulted in the past, but also because it seems so taboo and fucked up.

What do you think’s going on here?

Ms Damsel in Fantasy Distress

Hello Caller.

Good question. You get a gold star for this one. Look, where would we be without sexual fantasies? It’s like the cheapest fun you can have alone.

There’s a lot of super dry material in psychology papers that talks abut the importance of fantasies in our lives and accepting, and if necessary analysing and questioning, your own fantasies as they pop up.

I can understand that for a young woman who probably feels reasonably right on politically, socially, and emotionally, this could feel a bit like “wtf is going on in my subconscious and where has this interest emerged from?”

Don’t rush to be horrified or ashamed about it ok? You have (so far ) quite reasonably kept it to yourself because, as you say, you’ve been in intimate relationships with people who have experienced assault and you don’t want to hurt or trigger them in any way. That is a good solid plan.

Not all of our fantasies need to be realised. They can be kept to ourselves and just be something that is for personal use, so to speak. Like a great vibrator for your mind. Understandably you are curious about why you have this particular fantasy and maybe it’s such a powerful one because it’s so very transgressive. Sometimes the things that are precisely the opposite of what we think we want or how we generally are can become erotic to us.

It could be interesting for you to think about whether the power imbalance is a turn on in this fantasy. Are you normally very in control of most of your life?

That’s a very basic attempt at interpretation but just push up against that idea and see if it makes sense. I quite like the Wikipedia entry of sexual fantasies. It has classy pictures too!

The only real issue for you is if you would like to act out this fantasy with a partner. That will take some thoughtful and careful negotiation. That kind of conversation isn’t impossible but you need some time and guidelines.

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Meme via http://theperksofbeinganorchid.tumblr.com

Have a read of this article, from the New York Times no less, about a woman who told her fiancé about her long term spanking fetish. There’s lots of information available to people who do want to safely negotiate and introduce some kink into their life. We live in a time where you can actually find people who share the same interests if you don’t have a partner who’s into it.

You’re young and smart enough to discreetly google these things away from a work computer but there’s some very good reading to be found on how to safely negotiate something like what you describe, if you get that far.

I know that I haven’t told you why you have this particular fantasy and that’s because fantasies can be weird and mercurial and it’s sort of impossible to work out the origins via a letter. Overall I believe we shouldn’t always strive to understand fantasies fully because then they lose their potency. Especially if they’re not harming anyone (and that includes you).

Which is precisely why I won’t be telling you about the one I have about Bruce Springsteen dusting my filthy side board.

Who’s the boss now Bruce?

We’re really sad to report that this is Ms. X’s final column for The Spinoff; look for her new column on Stuff.co.nz (yes, our Ms X is moving up to the big leagues!) in the coming weeks.

Have a problem and need help now?

Lifeline 0800 543 354

Youthline 0800 376 633

OUTline (LGBT helpline) 0800 688 5463

More helplines can be found at the Mental Health Foundation’s directory. For a list of Māori mental health services, click here.


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Citizen Thiel, maker of money, not necessarily major payer of NZ tax. Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images
Citizen Thiel, maker of money, not necessarily major payer of NZ tax. Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images

SocietyJanuary 27, 2017

Peter Thiel is a world-leading tech investor and a fascinating thinker. Of course NZ was right to make him a citizen

Citizen Thiel, maker of money, not necessarily major payer of NZ tax. Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images
Citizen Thiel, maker of money, not necessarily major payer of NZ tax. Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images

Some say the American billionaire isn’t welcome because of his backing for Trump – but that happened four years after he was granted citizenship. And should political support really be a litmus? Eric Crampton writes in defence of Citizen Thiel.

Step into my time machine. It’s 2011. Peter Thiel is one of the world’s most important players in the technology sector. He co-founded PayPal, revolutionising online auction payments. When he sold it to Ebay, he used some of the proceeds to become the first external investor in Facebook. His Founders Fund has investments across the leading edge of the technology sector.

BEIJING, CHINA - FEBRUARY 27: (CHINA OUT) Peter Thiel, co-founder of PayPal Inc., speaks during a forum themed on entrepreneurship and investment at China National Convention Center on February 27, 2015 in Beijing, China. (Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images)
Peter Thiel speaks in Beijing in 2015. Photo by VCG/VCG via Getty Images

And he’s started making investments in New Zealand’s technology sector. He first visited New Zealand eighteen years ago, in 1993, and loved the freedom we have here to do risky things like ride jetboats around Queenstown. It sounds like he received residence status here in 2006, under Labour. In 2009, he founded Valar Ventures, a venture capital fund focused on New Zealand tech sector opportunities. In 2010 he invested millions in Xero; his early investment in Xero helped it to go global. He invested millions more in Pacific Fibre, helping to build stronger undersea internet cable links between New Zealand and the rest of the world. He pitched New Zealand as “Utopia”; a Business Insider piece from early 2011 wondered whether Thiel wanted to turn New Zealand into the next Silicon Valley. He donated a million dollars to the Canterbury earthquake fund.

Come July of 2011, he addressed the ICE Ideas Conference in Auckland – a conference sponsored by the Ministry of Science and Innovation, and by New Zealand Trade and Enterprise – on his views on New Zealand and opportunities here. It was plain that he loved New Zealand.

You’re the internal affairs minister. The Citizenship Act lets you bestow citizenship outside of the normal residency requirements if it is in the public interest. The government has been working very hard to try to encourage technological innovation in New Zealand and to help encourage better links between the Kiwi tech sector and innovators abroad.

Venture capital isn’t just about providing funding to start-ups. It’s about providing mentorship to firms that are getting off the ground and expanding, and helping them to make the links they need to others in the sector so that they can be successful.

Peter Thiel is one of the world’s foremost tech sector venture capital players, with deep links across the field. And he is interested in citizenship. The residence requirements for normal paths to citizenship simply will not work for an international investor who spends much of his time abroad. And maintaining residence while spending substantial amounts of time in Silicon Valley – the basis for his exceptional potential value in helping New Zealand tech firms build links to there – is not easy. Ministerial discretion looks like the only option. Citizenship would encourage him to deepen his links with New Zealand’s tech community, and in so doing help to bring them to the world.

Who could say no? It was a great bet consistent with the public interest provisions for grants of citizenship. The government makes a lot of bets on the tech sector, including some often pretty unwise subsidies for research and development. If the TAB were paying $6.20 on the Black Caps to win in the next ODI series with Australia (instead of the $2.40 currently on offer), there would be no question that it would be a bet worth placing. It’s still far from a sure thing, but at those odds, and knowing what you do about the Black Caps, how could you not?

A lot of the opposition to Thiel’s citizenship grant comes from his support for Trump’s candidacy, four years after he was granted citizenship here. It’s a bit ridiculous to damn the government for something that happened four years after the event.

But it is also a bit ridiculous to start applying political litmus tests to citizenship applications.

Thiel backed Hulk Hogan’s suit against Gawker, a rather objectionable publication which also outed Thiel a few years previously. While I do not like the chilling effects of defamation suits on political discourse, if we’re going to start barring people from New Zealand because they use defamation suits to discourage discourse, there’s one native-born Kiwi’s passport I might suggest could be revoked. And, again, this happened after 2011.

Similarly, Thiel supports some ideas that sound strange, but are absolutely fascinating when you start thinking about them. He is one of the world’s most interesting people.

Thiel’s early backing of Seasteading is how I first heard of him. Seasteading is the radical idea that communities of like-minded people might set up governance arrangements among themselves that suit how they want to live, on the high seas where they wouldn’t bother, or be bothered by, anyone else. It’s a beautiful proposal that encourages innovation and competition among governments so we all get a better picture of what kinds of policies work, and which ones don’t.

The concept is interesting enough that I included it in a couple of the courses I taught at the University of Canterbury. His backing of Seasteading predated his New Zealand citizenship, but so did my lecturing on Seasteading in New Zealand’s (arguably) best economics department. And so did Jim Mora’s talk with Patri Friedman about Seasteading in 2009. And, while some of the Kiwi media paint Seasteading as scary and radical, it is not that different from some of the Charter City arguments developed and advanced by Paul Romer, now Chief Economist and Senior Vice President of the World Bank.

And while Thiel, controversially, expressed his despondence that democratic outcomes in the United States were ever likely to yield the kinds of policies he preferred (and hence his support for Seasteading alternatives), is that really all that different from New Zealand’s despondence about the democratic (and to my mind awful) outcome of the last American election?

Bottom line, the government was right to give Thiel citizenship in 2011. It was a bet worth making at the time, and one that should not be regretted in retrospect. And political litmus tests for potential migrants is a dangerous game. Remember: somebody who disagrees with your politics could be the one setting the test.


The Society section is sponsored by AUT. As a contemporary university we’re focused on providing exceptional learning experiences, developing impactful research and forging strong industry partnerships. Start your university journey with us today.