I am desperate for a little space!

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Dear Hera, 

I love my partner, but at the moment I can’t stand the sight of him, and I’m not sure what (if anything) to do about it.

I am a stay-at-home mother to two young children. My partner works irregular hours in a job that is very intense and challenging. He is well-compensated for the intensity of the role and the irregular hours, as he works fewer hours each week than the average worker and earns a decent salary.

As a result of his job, he gets quite a lot of downtime at home. He doesn’t have a lot of hobbies or a big social network, so when he’s not working, he is typically here. I am also often at home because I am responsible for the majority of care of our two small children. I take them out most days, but this is only ever for a few hours at a time.

This is not a complaint about division of labour. He is a perfectly lovely father, spends time with his kids, and does a fair amount of jobs around the house (he could definitely do more… but who couldn’t?!). I don’t mind being a stay-at-home mum, and indeed at the moment my two kids (both of whom are quite high-needs kids) need structure and routine and consistency each day. I am happy to provide that for them – it is not a situation where I want him to be looking after the children more often, as I actually don’t think that is fair on him, or them, when he is preparing for or recovering from a difficult or late work shift. I think the nature of his role means that he just does need more respite time from work than other people, and looking after two intense children is definitely not respite. (To be clear, he does look after them sometimes, but I do the lion’s share of this and I am OK with that right now as it is appropriate given their ages and stages and needs – breastfeeding etc).

I don’t even really mind the fact that he gets more time off than me (OK, well maybe I mind that a little) – my biggest issue is that he spends all his downtime at home, and that I find his frequent presence to be really frustrating/irritating/overwhelming when I am just trying to get on with my job of looking after the children.

On days when he goes off to work, I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day and hearing all about his experiences, but on the days when he is at home I just find his presence intolerable and another form of cognitive load. There isn’t even anything in particular he does that is really bad – I just feel like he is loitering and lurking and not doing a whole lot, and I have nothing to say to him as I am busy trying to get a jacket on a screaming toddler and he is just sort of pottering about having a cup of tea or a slow start after a later shift.

And of course he is entitled to a slow day! And to see his kids, and to just be at home. Who said you have to work a 40-hour week anyway? I suppose what I feel we are lacking is any real sense of differentiation… and I think I may also have a potentially neuro-spicy brain, as I have always been introverted and had huge struggles with being perceived. I could manage this OK when I worked outside the house as I always got to leave at the end of the day, or take bathroom breaks, or just have a bit of independence from my colleagues…. but I can’t really get away from my partner!

I have tried to explain this situation to him so many times (couching it very clearly as “it’s not you, it’s me”), but he (a) doesn’t really get it, (b) doesn’t want to go to work more and (c) feels he has a right to be at home, which he does. 

So, how do I learn to cope more with this situation? Do I just have to grin and bear it a little longer, until my kids are a little older and in preschool and I can get a job out of the house? Is there anything else I could say to him that would help? Or should alarm bells be ringing in my head that I don’t want to be around my partner so often… I sometimes think of those husband and wife real estate agent couples and wonder if that is supposed to be what we are all aiming for… live together, work together, be on billboards together.

Maybe you will tell me that I sound like an entitled ass – and I’m open to that feedback too. We are very lucky that my partner earns enough for me to stay home with the children, and that he can be home to see his kids often too. I totally acknowledge that… but I also crave some space, differentiation, autonomy and the ability to just “mono-task” my childcare duties sometimes. 

Please help, 

Desperate for Space

Dear Desperate for Space,

I definitely don’t think you are an entitled ass, or that this is a sign you and your partner need a divorce, although reading this did give me the vicarious urge to push your partner into a small, ornamental fishpond. 

It sounds like you are deep in the trenches of motherhood, trying your very best to hold it together, and your husband is constantly at your side, asking if you read that funny article in the paper about the waterskiing service dog. 

I do not have children, but I can 100% see why you are losing your shit. As someone who deeply values time alone, this situation would make me want to cry. Having two high-needs young children, one of whom is still breastfeeding, is already enough to tax the most staunch introvert. Kids need constant engagement and attention. Just keeping them alive is basically a full-time job, without having to also teach them the alphabet and take them to see the ducks, and get them off to sleep. You never get to switch off. 

The absolute last thing you need is your husband constantly breathing down your neck when you’re already emotionally tapped out and overstimulated. Right now he doesn’t sound like a supportive partner, but just another demand on your limited attention. This would make anyone irritated and resentful.

Yes, the house is his home, but it’s also your workplace. I’m sure he would understand your perspective if the situations were reversed. Imagine if you showed up in the middle of one of his shifts and started loitering around, trying to show him funny memes on your phone while he was trying to perform CPR on a dying patient, or whatever it is he does for work. 

I understand that your partner has a stressful job. But so do you. I know that trying to negotiate equal amounts of leisure time is probably the kind of utopian but fundamentally impractical advice you’d expect from a childless person, but are you getting any respite at all? When was the last time you got a few hours alone? 

I’m sure your partner doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong. His job is stressful. He enjoys being at home. It’s nice for him to spend time with you and the kids. It sounds like when you try to discuss the problem with him, he either doesn’t get it or feels hurt and attacked. But honestly, he needs to suck it up. 

This is not a situation where right or wrong matters. There’s no point in him taking a principled stance on his moral right to occupy his property when you are struggling to keep your head above water. The solution to this problem shouldn’t be about you learning to “cope better”. It’s a shared problem that requires you both to expend your imaginative capacity to figure out how best to survive the next few years without going completely insane and resenting one another. 

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t fully understand where you are coming from. He doesn’t need to. He should be invested in trying to support you to figure out a way to make these demon years survivable, even if that means he has to occasionally take a leisurely walk to the park when he’d rather be doing the crossword. 

I know it feels mean to kick him out of the house. But my hot take is that everyone, whether they have young children or not, needs some kind of social outlet that doesn’t involve their partner and has a responsibility to occasionally leave the house. This is a hard pill for a lot of introverts to swallow. Why should you have to go out if you don’t feel like it? But part of being a good partner is giving your significant other a scheduled break from your sparkling wit and enchanting personality. You don’t have to join a rock climbing gym. You can simply go out to a cafe and play sudoku for a few hours, or catch a movie. But if you’re always at home and you rely on your partner for all social validation, you will eventually become a millstone around their neck. 

So how do you get your partner to listen to you?

It seems like you’ve tried to explain the issue, and it’s only hurt his feelings and put him on the defensive. There’s no magic way to make someone understand your perspective. But maybe you need to sit him down and have a more solutions-focused conversation. Instead of discussing who is right and who is wrong, or even explaining how you feel, you need to be more explicit about what you need. Frame the problem as a shared one, and ask for his help in brainstorming a few practical solutions before you go “Woman Under the Influence” on him. 

I don’t know what a good solution would look like for you. Perhaps you already have some concrete ideas in mind. Would it be helpful if he took a walk some mornings? Would you prefer his help when you’re trying to get the kids into jackets and out the door, or would you rather be left in peace? Is the problem that he derails the kids when you’re trying to accomplish something, or do you just need to feel like he isn’t hovering around, looking over your shoulder the whole time? Could you institute “Do Not Disturb office hours?” Negotiate a morning/evening off for yourself, once or twice a week, or is that laughably naive on my part? Could you task him with taking the oldest to the park once a week, while you look after the baby at home? 

Any parents reading, feel free to throw ideas and strategies in the comments. 

I don’t know what a perfect solution to your problem looks like, but he ought to be an active part of it, because you are understandably overwhelmed, and “I’m not technically doing anything wrong” simply isn’t good enough. It might take a little trial and error to figure out what works, but I’m sure even an acknowledgement of the reality of the problem and a commitment to working together to solve it would feel like a weight off your shoulders. 

If his solution is simply that you need to learn to “cope better”, he’s being a shitty partner, and you can tell him I said so. 

I’m sure, as you said, this problem will get better with time. Right now you basically have zero personal autonomy, and I’m sure as your kids get older, it will be easier for you to regain some of your independence. But there will be other challenges to face, and knowing your partner has your back and is willing to work collaboratively to try and lighten your load will go a long way to keep resentments from festering. 

I’d love any commenters with kids to add their perspective in the comments below!