Don’t have your costume sorted yet? Fear not: Halloween and bizarre news story enthusiasts Alice Neville and Toby Morris bring you eight ideas guaranteed to impress and terrify the neighbours in equal measure. 

It’s a little-known fact that the Halloween costume was invented in a small Scottish village in 1585, when local children dressed up as a neighbourhood ne’er-do-well who had been the subject of much tittle-tattle in preceding months amid accusations he’d received a shipment of stolen mangelwurzels and passed them off as turnips at the local market.

OK, that’s not so much a fact as a cool story I just made up based extremely loosely on various Wikipedia entries about Halloween, but the point remains: topical Halloween costumes are the best Halloween costumes. A simple search of the world wide web will provide you with many ideas that might be fine for the swish Halloween parties of London or New York or Hong Kong, but what are you, a traitor? A true patriot will choose the most niche, the most parochial, the most absolutely-inexplicable-to-anyone-who-hasn’t-spent-the-past-nine-months-in-Aotearoa-reading-obscure-news-stories costume they can find. 

Here are some ideas to get you started.

SMALL UNRULY TOURIST IN BUNNINGS HAT

At the beginning of the year of our lord 2019, New Zealand was under siege from a family of tourists whose behaviour shocked right-thinking members of the community to their very core. They littered, they swore, they stole, they swindled. They had us on the edges of our seats wondering what crazy antics they’d get up to next. Their cult-like leader in this reign of terror was a small chap in a Bunnings hat, with whom Madeleine Chapman bravely attempted to negotiate.

This fearsome figure would make an easy costume – blue shorts, bare chest, small stature, aggro attitude, Bunnings hat. It’s thought the exact hat is available only in Australian Bunnings stores but even the extremely lazy and uncreative could fashion their own with a generic straw hat, a green ribbon, a pen and the ability to spell BUNNINGS. If you want to take it to the next level, pixelate your actual face, and leave rubbish in your wake. (BUT GO BACK AND PICK IT UP LATER YOU ANIMAL.)

WAIPU TERROR DOLL

In August, something truly terrifying happened and not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. A creepy-as-fuck several-hundred-years-old doll was stolen from the museum in Waipu, a small town in Northland, and several days later returned to the letterbox of said museum – get this – SCALPED* and wrapped in a bread bag. Dressing as the Waipu terror doll (as it was dubbed at Spinoff HQ) in its unadulterated form would be sufficient to strike fear into the hearts of most: ghostly white visage, deranged hair, giant, manic eyes that have definitely been the last thing many, many a victim has seen.

But to really take it up a notch, to truly harness the topical nature of this costume, you need to go for the post-theft look. Get one of those bald caps, attach a few strands of deranged hair to give the impression you have been scalped, wrap yourself in something that resembles a giant Molenberg Soy & Linseed Toast Bread bag, jump into a letterbox and you’re good to go. 

*It appears that despite what was implied in initial reports, the Waipu terror doll had been scalped while being dragged out from under her glass dome rather than in a deliberate act of sadistic violence. Still, creepy.

EMOTIONAL JUNIOR STAFFER

Ah, the emotional junior staffer. An icon so, um, iconic that Hayden Donnell wrote a song about him (or her, or them…) If your mind needs refreshing, here’s the tea: in the wake of the Christchurch mosque attacks of 15 March, a page on the National Party website pointing to a petition to stop the UN migration pact disappeared. National told The Spinoff it had been routinely archived – nothing to see here.

The good folk of the internet soon proved that to be false. National Party leader Simon Bridges then came clean, blaming the poor ol’ emotional junior staffer. What better way to immortalise this dubious hero (other than the Donnell ditty, of course) than with a Halloween costume? It’s easy as to achieve – appearance wise, just tap into a young Nat vibe (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), think about something really sad, and simultaneously bring to mind your most monumental work fuck-up ever. Bingo. 

TITIRANGI RAT(S) 

Cast your mind back to June, when a sleepy west Auckland suburb was under siege. As The Spinoff’s exclusive and explosive video footage revealed, Titirangi was infested with rodents, great big dirty disgusting filthy rats that may or may not have been somewhere in the vicinity of cat-sized. Rat costumes are relatively easy to find on the internet, but most appear to be cute rather than shit-your-pants-and-haunt-your-dreams-terrifying. No matter, it’s easy to go from charming to revolting in a few easy steps – it’s called accessorising, bitch.

This prop’s a good model: redden up your eyes, yellow up your teeth, froth at the mouth a little. You know, look like you could, and most certainly would, gnaw a fully grown human to death at the drop of a hat, while at the same time infecting said human with a selection of the worst diseases known to mankind. If you’ve got a posse, a pack of rats – a biblical plague, if you will – will really up the terror factor. 

TREVOR MALLARD AND BABIES

Remember back in 2009 when everyone dressed up as that guy from The Hangover for Halloween? All you needed was a beard and a front pack with a baby wearing cool shades. A decade on, New Zealand has its very own version of said easy-yet-instantly-recognisable-and-vaguely-amusing costume. Speaker of the house Trevor Mallard, when he’s not melting over Maria Folau, correcting the grammar of public transport bodies’ tweets or kicking Simon Bridges out of the house, bloody loves holding babies.

In August, footage of Trev giving fellow Labour MP Tāmati Coffey’s pēpi Tūtānekai a bottle in the speaker’s chair went global. It was nothing new, however: in 2017 he was snapped in a similar pose with wee Heeni, whose mum is Labour MP Willow-Jean Prime. Trev has probably held Neve Ardern-Gayford a bunch of times too, which in sum means this qualifies as a #topical #halloween #costume. Requirements: pinstripe suit, stripy tie, optionally stripy shirt (lot of stripes – hope you don’t suffer from migraines), baby (real or fake), bottle. For maximum effect, up the number of babies on your person. The more babies the merrier.

LORDE IN PRISON

Earlier this month, National revealed it was considering a policy that would fine the parents of early school leavers if they didn’t enter work, education or training. The Spinoff compiled a list of successful New Zealand high school dropouts who would have been subject to this penalty, including the likes of Parris Goebel, Sonny Bill Williams, Paula Bennett and, yes, the good Lorde herself. Somehow, in the deep, mysterious workings of the internet, this turned into a whole lot of memes about Lorde festering in a miserable Antipodean jail cell at the ends of the earth, and the hashtag #FreeLorde began trending.

Eerily, respected music journalist Ernest Penman revealed in The Spinoff that the singer’s very own tunes had foretold her incarceration. It all added up to a very weird few days and a very good Halloween costume. To achieve it, simply choose your favourite Lorde look and accessorise with handcuffs, then encase yourself in an actual jail cell in the manner of a small child trapped in that terrifying wobbly Grimace prison thing at the Johnsonville McDonald’s circa 1991. 

TED JOHNSTON ELECTION HOARDING

With the nation’s local elections now but a happy memory (The Spinoff’s pop-up section remains, however, if you’re keen to relive those heady days), one image is burned forever in my brain (and not just because one may have somehow ended up in The Spinoff office). I’m talking about, dear readers, Ted Johnston’s election hoarding. The Auckland mayoral candidate inexplicably chose to appeal to voters by writing his name, phone number and qualifications on a large photo of himself in terrifying slasher-film-style paint with the effect being, as Toby Morris eloquently put it, more nightmare than mayor.

He came in a not-too-shabby fifth with a respectable 15,637 votes, so the unique approach must have struck a chord with some constituents, who can now honour their chosen leader by emulating his style come Halloween. It’s easy to do: get an A3 piece of cardboard, draw on a suited torso, cut a hole to poke your head through, slap on some words in as murderous a font as possible and head out to strike terror into the hearts of those who didn’t vote Ted.

BLOODIED KIERAN READ

Too soon? The All Black captain’s bloodied visage was emblematic of the mood of the nation on Saturday night, after our boys were cruelly dispatched from the Rugby World Cup at the hands of Perfidious Albion. The way the blood pooled around the sunken hollow of his right eye, sweeping out at the edge in an artful flick, was almost too perfect, giving a Ziggy Stardust or perhaps Furiosa from Mad Max: Fury Road vibe to our fallen hero. The small dribble from the inner corner perfectly evoked a single tear, while the long trail down the cheek and the smudge on the nose gave old mate Reado a vampiric, Halloween-appropriate demeanour. Again, this look is easy to emulate and instantly recognisable – fake blood, All Blacks jersey, glum look. Done. Have fun out there.

NZ Korean healthcare workers Aram Kim and Rebekah Jaung on efforts to understand the suicide problem in the Asian population.

“Even one suicide in any ethnic or population group is one too many.”

— Understanding deaths by suicide in the Asian population of Aotearoa New Zealand | Te whakamārama i ngā mate whakamomori i te taupori Āhia i Aotearoa

Earlier this month, a relatively hidden aspect of our national mental health crisis was finally brought into the light. The Suicide Mortality Review Committee released a report highlighting the increasing rate of suicide in the Asian community. Over the last decade, between 10 and 41 people of Asian ethnicity have died by suicide in Aotearoa every year, and rates are trending upwards. With the Asian population of Aotearoa projected to grow, and in the absence of central government strategies to address Asian mental health, the committee stated that it was concerned that the rate of suicide may rise.

We approach the report as healthcare workers and two members of the Korean community with personal and professional experiences of the way that mental distress and suicide have touched the community. We acknowledge that “Asian” is a commonly used identifier but its utility is limited when speaking of specific cultural and individual experiences. Even so, we hope that this report initiates safe and empowering conversations about Asian mental health, and catalyses governmental and societal action for suicide prevention. 

Mental health is a complex issue which extends beyond the health of an individual to the community and social context in which they live. When we contemplate the wellbeing of the diverse Asian communities of Aotearoa, we need to consider unique migration histories and cultures as well as underlying vulnerabilities such as loss of connection, role, status, and sense of belonging – all of which can become exacerbated further with stress caused by racism and xenophobia. Societal and familial expectations to assimilate and succeed can create additional pressures for subsequent generations whilst also clashing with expectations from within the community to maintain cultural identity and familiarity.

The role of culture

Cultural beliefs around health are powerful and shape every facet of experiencing illness. Although it is difficult to generalise, people with Asian cultural beliefs will often turn to their families and communities to understand and access support for their wellbeing. This can be a source of strength and resilience but can also impact on their access to mainstream health services, especially when combined with stigma around mental health, linguistic and cultural barriers, and the limitations of western models of health.

The role of the healthcare system

Some studies have shown that people of Asian ethnicity are less likely to be asked about mental health issues, leading to under-detection, under-diagnosis and under-treatment. This may be driven by health professionals’ bias, but may also indicate the limited capacity for cultural safety of the health system as a whole. Without cultural safety, differences in perceptions effects quality of care, a vicious cycle that can reduce trust in healthcare services and result in further harm.

Priya* repeatedly presented to the Emergency Department with medically unexplained symptoms. The treating team struggled to understand her needs, found her “difficult”, and had formed an opinion that she had a prescription drug addiction. What she was actually experiencing was undiagnosed and untreated depression which was manifesting in worsening physical symptoms.

The report acknowledges work that has already been done by local researchers, frontline healthcare workers and affected communities to increase the knowledge base around Asian community mental health, and it described the lack of responsiveness by policymakers as “unethical”. Strengthening the capacity of mental health services to provide culturally safe and linguistically appropriate care was highlighted as a priority, and it is important that this message is heard during this time of transformation within the sector.

The social and structural determinants of wellbeing

Looking beyond healthcare, to a whole-of-society approach is critical for addressing the social determinants of wellbeing for Asian communities.

The threat of compromising employment and visa status when accessing any health service is a barrier to wellbeing for migrant and refugee communities. Migrants and international students may be forced to return to their home country to access appropriate mental health care, or due to fear of cost or their visa not being extended further as a result of their mental health issues.

Ji-Young* presented to an Emergency Department following a suicide attempt but refused to engage with mental health professionals. Later it was found that she was ashamed of her depression and suicide attempt but also fearful of having a mental health record which may negatively impact on her employment and residency status.

Sometimes it is the interaction of multiple agencies which cause harm.

Li* was a young mother whose children were nearly uplifted by Oranga Tamariki due to the perception that she was not prioritising them over her abusive partner. Li* loved her children dearly and tried to protect them but was reluctant to leave due to strong cultural beliefs around the importance of maintaining her marriage, and a sense of shame about her home situation which was leading to further social isolation, as well as fear of losing her children due to her negative experience with social agencies and lack of familiarity with local legal and child protection agencies.

The role of racism

Asian people living in New Zealand report the highest levels of discrimination in their daily lives, and anti-Asian hate crimes are a consistent feature within the limited data that we have. Both the visible, violent, slur-wielding racism, and the more insidious kind which is “carried out by otherwise well-meaning people and almost impossible to name,” are barriers to our right to be healthy.

One concern when highlighting health issues within an ethnic minority community is the backlash. Comments made in response to news articles about the report cover all of the usual tropes: questioning why resources are being used for looking at health issues in Asian communities at all, blaming migrants for failing to assimilate, comparing the findings to other groups (as if some suicides are more important than others) and simply, “Go home then.”

Although the right to health held by tangata whenua is often framed as being in competition with the needs of ethnic minority communities, we need to be clear in our thinking that eliminating suicide in the Asian community should not be used as a diversion from our obligations to honouring te Tiriti. In fact, “entry by Treaty”’ is a powerful counter-narrative to those which seek to marginalise both Māori and Asian communities. In other words, “The principles of the Treaty give us rules of engagement; if we accede to them, we will access our right to be different.”

Where do we go from here?

The most important outcome of the report is that it was written at all. Naming suicide in Asian communities as a national concern  is more support than we have had in the past. When it comes to talking about suicide prevention, instead of comparing “who is worse off” or “who needs more resource”, we need to affirm that all of our communities should feel that their lives are equally valued and that they have a right to the same quality of life as any other New Zealander.

If “Zero Suicide” is our goal for Aotearoa, then it is also our responsibility to ensure that everyone who calls these islands home has what they need to be part of that vision.

*Names and details have been changed