Celebrating our quadrennial opportunity to become experts in a bunch of sports we never normally watch.
The games of the XXXIII Olympiad are upon us. Paris will host this year’s showcase of sporting and athletic prowess, which means some late-night and early-morning viewing for us in Aotearoa.
But what sports should we be tuning in for? While every event and competitor deserves nothing but respect, this is still a sporting endeavour, meaning a ranking is obligatory.
So, taking into account various factors – prestige, novelty factor, general excitement, New Zealand’s medal chances – here are all the events we’ll be seeing over the next two weeks, ranked from least to most essential viewing.
36. Golf
Don’t we have enough golf already?
35. Football
Don’t we have enough football already?
34. Tennis
Don’t we have enough tennis already?
33. Fencing
One of the most alluring Olympic sports, but also the most inscrutable. If you’ve never held an epee, it’s probably not worth setting your alarm for.
32. Archery/Shooting
As a viewing experience, the archery and shooting are much of a muchness. And that viewing experience tends to be mediocre at best.
31. Road Cycling/Marathon Swimming/Mountain Biking
It’s worth tuning in for the final section of these long-distance races, but it’s unlikely much of what happens before then will keep you glued to the screen.
30. Modern Pentathlon
Completely out the gate. Participants mimic Greek gladiatorial prowess by riding an unknown horse, duelling with swords and shooting laser pistols on the run. It should be thrilling, and yet, somehow, it isn’t?
29. Equestrian
If Snoop Dogg is commentating the equestrian again this year then bump it 10 places up the list. Otherwise the only exception to this ranking is if a New Zealander ends up riding for gold – then it suddenly becomes one of the Olympics’ greatest heart-in-mouth events.
28. Surfing/Skateboarding/BMX Freestyle
I appreciate the skill and daring needed to perform these X Games crossover sports. But considering the high risk factor, they should be far more entertaining to watch than they actually are.
27. Water Polo
The absolute rigs on these specimens.
26. Artistic Swimming
The opposite end of the pool-based spectrum to water polo. If you prefer flamingo-like human movement and legs flailing in unison, look no further.
25. Badminton
The sport that inspired New Zealand’s worst sporting nickname. The Black Cocks won’t be in attendance in Paris, but the badminton remains a sleeper hit not usually appreciated until the Olympics rolls around. Give it a go.
24. Table Tennis
Would be top 10 if Chunli was competing.
23. Volleyball/Beach volleyball
Everything I know about beach volleyball I learned from Top Gun. This year’s event will be held at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, which should make for a particularly aesthetically pleasing spectacle.
22. Breaking (breakdancing)
Everything I know about the Olympiad’s newest arrival I learned from Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (and that Run DMC vs Jason Nevins music video that was on high rotation in 1997). If those are any indication, this could be a lot of fun.
21. Sailing
As an adoptive Kiwi, I have managed to convince myself I enjoy sailing in order to avoid deportation.
20. Hockey
The Black Sticks men have an outside shot of a medal, but the gaping hole left by the women’s failure to qualify does take away some hockey hype this Olympics.
19. BMX Racing
Plenty of crashes, jumps and full pedal action. Always worth watching.
18. Trampoline
Could only be improved by allowing double bounces. A real nerve-shredder once they start amping up those resolutions.
17. Basketball/Basketball 3×3
Few sports bring star power to the Olympics like basketball, where it’s expected (but not guaranteed!) the US teams will once again strike gold. For something you don’t see so often, the emerging three-on-three version is worth a look.
16. Handball
Not the same as foursquare, but equally as enjoyable to play and watch as the playground favourite.
15. Canoe Slalom
My first-ever assignment was the canoe slalom at London 2012, so I have a connection to this event. The penalty points system for hitting or missing gates makes it a nerve-shredding watch.
14. Boxing/Judo/Tae Kwon Do/Wrestling
The combat events have the unique selling point of potentially ending at any moment in a sudden and violent manner, which certainly ups the stakes.
13. Sport Climbing
It’s human beings scaling walls with the speed and frenetic energy of a spider. What’s not to like?
12. Triathlon
Of all the long-distance events, this is probably the most exciting. There’s the drama of the transitions, the varying skill levels across each discipline, not to mention Hayden Wilde’s medal hopes for New Zealand.
11. Rowing
As Ireland’s Rio 2016 silver medalists and viral sensations Gary and Paul O’Donovan famously put it: “close your eyes and pull like a dog”. And the high concentration of New Zealand medal hopes makes it hard to look away.
10. Rugby Sevens
Our men’s campaign crashing and burning before the opening ceremony only makes the women’s quest for back-to-back golds next week even more of a must-watch.
9. Rhythmic Gymnastics
The closest thing to an acid trip you can find on a sports channel.
8. Weightlifting
One of the Olympics’ purest spectating pleasures is watching big units yeet ever-increasing weights over their heads. Can’t wait.
7. Track cycling
Iconic Olympic event, which, much like rowing, offers plenty of glued-to-the-TV viewing.
6. Diving
Few sports turn the viewer into an expert quicker than diving. And criticising world-class athletes for causing too much splash on entry from executing a back three-somersault pike is what watching the Olympics is all about.
5. Athletics (Field)
While the speedsters on the track might hog the athletics limelight, don’t forget the leapers and chuckers with their crowd-pumping antics and expressive grunting – an invaluable part of the Olympics viewing experience.
4. Swimming
New Zealand has genuine medal hopes in the pool this year in the form of Erika Fairweather and Lewis Clareburt. The former will be racing in a stellar field who competed in the “race of the century” last July. A repeat would be appointment viewing.
Bronze: Canoe sprint
New Zealand’s chances in the K1 500 makes this one of the most exciting events in Paris. Teammates Dame Lisa Carrington and Aimee Fisher are set to go head-to-head for the gold, with Hungary’s Tamara Csipes out to spoil the party. This one is worth staying up for on Saturday, August 10.
Silver: Athletics (Track)
This is where the flagship events and headline names live. Even if the longer-distance events aren’t for you, there’s always something about that final stretch that gets the blood pumping. Whether it’s 10 seconds or just over two hours, there’s something for everyone.
Gold: Artistic Gymnastics
The Olympics should inspire awe. Jaws should drop and eyes should widen as mere mortals dare to dream of simply attempting what they are witnessing. The gymnastics, with its blend of grace, guile and grit, is the epitome of that feeling.
