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Image: Hana Chatani
Image: Hana Chatani

The Sunday EssayApril 4, 2021

The Sunday Essay: When the young stand up

Image: Hana Chatani
Image: Hana Chatani

There’s something magical about teenagers making a stand, and history is almost always on their side, writes Brannavan Gnanalingam.

Made possible thanks to the support of Creative New Zealand

Original illustrations by Hana Chatani

It was 1999, and a group of kids at school got sick of being bullied and beaten up by the jocks. Those being picked on were the goths, the punks, the metalheads, and the kids who didn’t fit into any group and were therefore ignored by those with any power. It was a mufti day and to protest the general indifference to their plight, they dressed up in trench coats.

That may not sound like much, but this was in the immediate aftermath of the Columbine massacre, where two bullied outsiders murdered 13 people while wearing trench-coats. Boys’ schools in the Hutt were pretty conservative places, and globally there were all sorts of moral panics around “weird” kids who wore trench coats. In hindsight, adopting the iconography of mass murderers was, well, a bold call, but it certainly got some attention. Some of them got called into the principal’s office for a please explain. The bullies momentarily paused in case their usual victims turned out to be psychos. In the aftermath, obviously, nothing happened to the bullies.

But one thing that got missed was that a bunch of kids who had no real connection to each other, made some sort of stand in solidarity against mistreatment.

Last week, a protest by Christchurch Girls’ High School hit the news. They were protesting about alleged sexual assault by students at Christchurch Boys’ High School and unpleasant comments in response from students at Boys’ High. The girls had chalked graffiti highlighting LGBTQIA+ rights, feminism, and sexual harassment at Boys’ High. But what they were protesting about was not the main focus. Instead, it was the Girls’ High’s principal’s decision to call in the cops to stop the girls’ protest.

Police say they stopped the students because of “traffic and safety concerns”. Girls’ High’s principal Christine O’Neill, who personally got in a car to turn the protesters around, said, “my concern is primarily for their safety – that they return to school where they’re meant to be, and they understand that there is appropriate and constructive ways to go about social change.” It remains unclear exactly what appropriate and constructive ways to go about social change were being suggested.

Image: Hana Chatani

In my latest novel Sprigs, I looked at the fallout from an incident of sexual violence in high school. As part of that, the novel examined the reaction of the boys, the boys’ school, and those attending a sister school. There has been, it must be said, some parallels between the book and what took place in Christchurch.

Sprigs is a fairly pitiless depiction of teenage boys and institutional incompetence. That approach felt like a necessary choice in showing how artificial environments can be breeding grounds for repulsive behaviour. Institutional responses tend to suppress victims’ voices rather than give them space to talk (if they want to). However, I’m also conscious that teenagers can’t be seen as irredeemable, nor is it fair to expect teenagers to be fully-formed and perfect individuals. They’re impressionable to both positive and toxic messaging – well, like everybody is.

In 2017, there was a similar protest by Wellington East Girls’ students, in response to comments by Wellington College students about taking advantage of drunk girls. The protest outside the school was shut down after boys threatened (allegedly “jokingly”) to run the girls down in cars. Instead, the protest shifted to Parliament where hundreds of young women protested, and a number of young men from the single-sex Wellington College protested alongside them.

The protest at parliament, like the Christchurch Girls’ High School protest, was a clear display of youth standing up for each other. That, and the recent climate change marches, are great indications of how much more clued up many teenagers are these days, compared to my generation, about difference and social change. That for all of the decrying about “snowflakes”, “virtue signalling”, and “identity politics”, it’s easy to forget that many teenagers are pretty well versed in on standing up for the underdog. I’d much rather encounter those people when they become adults.

I know this may sound patronising. Near middle-aged man pats teenagers on the head for making a stand. But it’s perhaps influenced by thinking back to when I was a teenager. As an older Millennial, we were shaped by the cynicism and apathy of Gen X and the nihilistic and apolitical humour of the popular TV shows of our teenage years.

One of the things that’s clear is the role the “spectacle” can play in social and structural change. Incrementalism doesn’t do anything, structurally. Discursive frameworks – loosely speaking, the language that shapes social relations in a particular area – require disruption to change course. These frameworks are shaped by power, and there is always a question of who gets to define, and how. But ultimately, social change – good or bad – always starts with language.

That’s where protest can be so potent, even if it ultimately doesn’t change the underlying structures. And the great thing about watching teenagers fight for rights is that there’s no disingenuousness about it, they genuinely believe what they’re fighting for. There’s something so thrilling about seeing young people stand up for the underdog (and I’m not talking about young men holding tiki lamps; those guys are not the underdog). That unbridled energy can actually change the language, disrupt the narratives that are so dominant. Though, perhaps paradoxically, once you put aside the spectacle, actually effecting structural change requires graft and work – and yes, solidarity.

I do a disservice to the Millennials and Gen X. If anything, it’s more an indictment on my adolescent failings, than any sort of supportable stereotype of the generations around me. I didn’t wear a trench-coat in solidarity with the bullied kids, and to be honest, I’d completely forgotten about it until a mate mentioned it to me the other day. I became friends with many of those guys afterwards, and wonder, in hindsight, what I could have done for their time at school to have been better.

I have come to learn that being indifferent or hoping time will fix inequities is simply raising a white flag. Instead, we remember the protests. A colleague of mine was recounting being involved in the Springbok protests – and his descriptions were electric. I remember seeing the Gen X student protesters on the news, the ones occupying the universities. I went to the hīkoi against the foreshore and seabed legislation in 2004 to film it for my documentary film class, and learned through that incredible protest, how ignorant I’d been about the extent of Treaty breaches. Or, there were obviously the Iraq War protests in 2003. I remember walking over with a friend, and there were three of us from Law School there – the rest were at a free sausage sizzle. There’s something incredible about being in a protest. It’s an exhilarating feeling knowing that you’re not alone, that other people are standing with you. How many different voices can sound like one.

In 2004, my (now) close mate – who was involved in the trench coat protest and hauled up to the principal’s office – invited me to Parliament. A group of white supremacists were holding a rally, apparently to support “retaining the New Zealand flag” (though as far as I can recall, there was no movement to change the flag at that point, and those folk were mostly silent during the whole flag referendum period). If they intimidated a few folk on the way, well, tough luck. The rally was countered by a strong contingent of punks, anarchists and peaceniks. The kids who were picked on at high school. I could feel their solidarity as they stood up for people like me. They ended up chasing the white supremacists out of town, quite literally.

There’s something even more magical about teenagers making a stand. For many, fitting in and/or being invisible are high priorities. Teenagers are unlikely to fight for something unless they feel passionate about it. Like what happens after any protest, the Girls’ High students received flak on social media. There has been a lot of critical responses online to the protests more generally. Time and time again though, posterity and hindsight prove the kids right, no matter the dialogue at the time. Ultimately, if kids are fighting for underdogs, and you’re telling them they’re wrong or that there are other ways to do it, you’ve simply chosen the wrong side.

The Sunday Essay is supported by Creative New Zealand. Read more from series here.

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Hine Mokemoke is the goddess of the conch shell. Her sad, melodic voice resounds around the shell (Illustration: Te Kahureremoa Taumata)
Hine Mokemoke is the goddess of the conch shell. Her sad, melodic voice resounds around the shell (Illustration: Te Kahureremoa Taumata)

The Sunday EssayMarch 28, 2021

The Sunday Essay: Absent parents and the stories that shape us

Hine Mokemoke is the goddess of the conch shell. Her sad, melodic voice resounds around the shell (Illustration: Te Kahureremoa Taumata)
Hine Mokemoke is the goddess of the conch shell. Her sad, melodic voice resounds around the shell (Illustration: Te Kahureremoa Taumata)

In the first of our new Sunday Essay series, made possible thanks to the support of Creative New Zealand, Nadine Anne Hura re-examines the colonial fiction of the nuclear family behind the white picket fence, and goes in search of ancestral narratives that better match our lived reality. 

Original illustrations by Te Kahureremoa Taumata

I once wrote a children’s story about a little girl who learns to measure her father’s absence by the falling and freezing and unfurling of the seasons. She sits at her bedroom window and waits as the days and weeks and months slip by, or perhaps it’s years – the story is intentionally vague – until eventually she is stripped of all expectation for his return.

When Bella comes home one day to find her father’s familiar shape leaning against his car in the driveway, her heart skips a beat. He tilts his chin in her direction and grins, and Bella can’t help herself. She’d know that grin anywhere. She drops her bag and steps into his outstretched arms.

“I’m sorry, Bub,” her dad says, jaw tightly clenched. “It’s been too long.”

Bella breathes in his scent. “It’s OK. I got good at waiting.”

The editors liked everything about the story except the ending.

“It’s not clear where the father‘s been,” they said with a tone of frustration. “It just seems a bit implausible that a father could be absent for such a long time without an explanation.”

If I hadn’t been crying on the inside I would have laughed. Only someone who’s never had an unreliable parent could think that not seeing your father for years without an explanation is implausible. In my world, a more curious phenomenon is a story in which the father isn’t absent.

The editors suggested I could resolve the ending with just a few subtle tweaks. Trying to be helpful, they suggested Bella’s dad could be in prison.

Prison?

Everything inside me flinched.

I tried not to be angry. But the effort required to live down stereotypes that criminalise Māori simply because the narrative is plausible to Pākehā isn’t just intellectual or political, it’s emotional.

Nadine and her daughter (Photo: Supplied)

How to explain that not all absent fathers are in prison? Some absent fathers have professional, high-paying jobs in government departments. Some absent fathers have boats and planes on which they take other people’s kids fishing and flying. Some absent fathers are jewellers or stock brokers or diplomats or pilots or chefs. Some absent fathers live just down the road or over the hill.

I hung up the phone and opened my laptop. The screen stared back at me blankly.

There are as many reasons for the vanishing acts performed by fathers as there are kids who are waiting. 

Got-a-new-partner-and-kids-reasons. Mining-for-gold-in-Aussie-reasons. Working-nightshift-reasons. Denied-access-reasons. Hurts-too-much-to-see-you-reasons. Dodging-child-support-reasons. You’ll-never-know-and-best-not-ask-reasons.

The cursor continued to blink but my fingers wouldn’t move.

I wanted to tell the editors that in real life, the waiting doesn’t end when Bella’s dad turns up one sunny Saturday morning. There’s no tidy explanation for where he’s been, nor is there any guarantee he’ll stick around. This pattern of waiting will become Bella’s normal. Her dad will drift in and out of her life like an offshore breeze until eventually, she will learn how to go about her days without always watching the horizon.

Absence is a powerful teacher. Separation forces us to grow. No one said it would be easy. If not for the distance between Rangi and Papa, how would their children have experienced the light?

The only photo of Nadine and her father in childhood
The only photo of Nadine and her father in childhood (Photo: Supplied)

Giving up on a parent who is absent is not the same as releasing them. The day I opened the door to find my father standing on the front step I was 17 and well fortified. But all the years rehearsing the interrogation I would deliver on this day came to nothing. He was shorter than I imagined, and his dimples were deeper than the photographs captured. He took me out to get a feed but his car broke down on the motorway and I felt bad for him. No one is ever quite what they seem.

Fathers aren’t the only ones swept away or snared or seized. Think of Rona, watching from a lonely crevice in the moon as her children are tucked into bed and coaxed to sleep by their father. Feel the distance her flesh cannot close.

Think of Hinepūkohurangi, whose freedom could not be contained by any man. Do not try to hold on to a woman like Hinepūkohurangi, for she is ethereal.

Think of Taranga, swaddling her last-born child in her hair and letting him slip from her fingers. Now there’s a story that wouldn’t pass the Pākehā plausibility test. What mother in her right mind would cast her child to the sea?

A woman who had mad faith.

Taranga released her child because it was all she could do. Life can be cruel and unfair, and sometimes parents find themselves faced with impossible choices. But Taranga knew the power of her tikitiki, and she wanted her son to live. Not just live, but to grow up and fulfil his destiny.

Māui’s whole life was shaped by his mother’s courage and wisdom. His longing to find her defined him. The search gave him purpose and direction – Māui tikitiki a Taranga.

Channelling loneliness into creativity, inspired by the atua Hine Mokemoke (Illustration: Te Kahureremoa Taumata)

Separation is ordinary. Life is full of struggle and sacrifice. Sometimes, the most reliable relationships we have are those that whāngai and nurture us: grandparents, step-parents, adopted parents, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, the mother of our best friend.

Remember the one who gave Māui her jawbone?

It makes me wonder about the generations of harm caused by the colonial fiction of the nuclear family behind the white picket fence. It’s hard not to feel aggrieved when we are constantly measuring our expectations against a norm that doesn’t match our lived reality. 

When my marriage ended it took me a further six months to actually leave. Those nights were spent wrestling in the dark with feelings of failure. My best mate asked me if I could name what I felt like I was losing and I replied “the idea of us”. The vows I made at the altar were nothing compared to the promises I made to myself as a child: I would not leave. I would stick it out, through thick and thin. I would stay.

I didn’t realise until later that leaving isn’t synonymous with failure, and loyalty to the act of breathing is more important than conforming to cultural expectations that want to straight-jacket us into predetermined roles. At one point, sitting in the car outside my brother’s house, I asked if there was something wrong with us; if leaving was somehow part of our DNA. The rain was so loud against the glass I could barely hear what he said, but I still remember the look on his face. It made me realise that siblings are passengers of fate, which feels like a Pākehā way of saying whakapapa, and whatever doesn’t drive you apart will eventually drag you together. 

If my brother were here today I would tell him that it’s not us who are wrong, it’s the stories we’ve been told that are wrong. Stories that put our fathers in jail instead of out in the garden. Stories that tell us that any kind of family that deviates from the norm of two heterosexual parents under the same roof is “diverse”. Stories that describe homes of solo parents as “broken”. My brother’s kids now face a future without him. They had become accustomed to his absences before, but the distance now is final: untraversable except through story. I want to find a way to explain that no one is ever quite what they seem – not Taranga, not even Māui.  

A few months after the kids and I moved into our new place, a favourite teapot was smashed. I found my daughter on the kitchen floor surrounded by bits of crockery. She was a tangle of hair and hot tears. I got down on the floor beside her and pulled her onto my lap. I told her what I knew to be true: Sometimes things break. It’s not the end of the world. I found some glue and a paintbrush and I watched her repair the teapot piece by jagged piece. 

Repairing a treasured teapot with gold paint and glue, inspired by kintsugi (Photo: Supplied)

Like the art of kintsugi, I told her that families aren’t broken if one parent leaves, they are just remade differently. Learning to accept absence and separation is hard, but it’s normal. The cracks and gaps become part of our story. I told her it takes courage to stay, but it also takes courage to leave, and the most important thing in the end is mad faith.

Rarely do we get the chance to negotiate or appeal the history we are born into, let alone interrogate reasons. Like the earliest stories that have ever been told, our identities are shaped by the longing we live with and the struggles we overcome. 

A story that doesn’t tie up neatly in the end doesn’t make it less worthy of telling. It just makes it closer to the truth.

The Sunday Essay is supported by Creative New Zealand.