Hot on the heels of the Bachelorette finale, a new season of The Bachelor NZ begins tonight. Tara Ward introduces the women competing for Moses Mackay’s heart.
Last night’s dramatic finale of The Bachelorette NZ may still be ringing in our ears and beating in our hearts, but it’s time to move on. Forget about Lexie and Hamish’s charming love story, because a dramatic new season of The Bachelor NZ is about to begin, featuring the most exciting Bachelor and one of the more diverse casts that the New Zealand franchise has ever had.
Tonight, singer, actor and new Bachelor Moses Mackay will invite 18 brave women on an emotional journey down the bumpy highway of love. Gird your loins for more roses, romance and raunchy bathtub scenes, because these single women are here to find their happily-ever-after. They’re also here to make life-long friendships and maybe get some good content for the ‘gram, and who can blame them? Last week, I took a picture of a tree and it only got three likes. Imagine if Moses Mackay was sitting in that tree, a rose in one hand and blowing me a kiss with the other? That shit would have gone viral.
Nothing says “romance” better than scouring the official TVNZ bios of these women and power ranking them in a completely pointless and arbitrary way. It’s time to meet the incredible women vying for Moses’s heart, so let’s put our hand on our hip, turn slightly to the right and smile our way into a brand new season of The Bachelor NZ.
Our Steph deserves better than this unjust position on these terrible rankings, but like the Bachelor giving out pashes on a group date, someone has to be first. Steph works as a managing director in Tauranga and loves to travel, and her last three boyfriends were all named Jono. Moses is not named Jono. Make of that what you will.
Freya is a paediatric nurse looking for a man who’s driven, compassionate and respectful, and Moses is a man who once cut his toenails with a machete on Celebrity Treasure Island. The lovely Freya did not mention anything about nails or machetes in her TVNZ bio, so sadly this can go no further.
Devaney loves new and exciting experiences, which is why she’s come on The Bachelor. I don’t want to spoil anything, but wait until Devaney sees the cheese platters at the Bachelor cocktail parties. Sliced tomato on crackers? Very new, very exciting. Enjoy.
Georgia is a PE and health secondary school teacher from Northland. Do they still do the beep test in PE? I bet Moses loves a beep test. Beep beep goes my heart, he’ll say! Running is fun, he’ll say! Good luck, Georgia.
Kate reckons her best party trick is the splits, but it’s unclear whether she’s referring to bananas (delicious), her sides (painful but hilarious) or the classic flexing of the legs in a near horizontal position (impressive, probably magic). Either way, we need to see Kate’s party trick on every red carpet, rose ceremony and group date. Less small talk, more splits. It’s the only way forward.
Samantha is a recruitment specialist who came on The Bachelor as a “last resort” to find love. She also reckons her best party trick is “leaving early and going to bed”, which is an incredible skill that we should all aspire to. Samantha, we salute you.
There’s a lot to unpack in Amanda’s incredible bio, like the time she broke her spine during a first date with her landlord and that she’s an expert at rosé champagne pong. The Bachelor loves roses, but does he love a rosé pong, or indeed, a pong of any kind? Fingers crossed.
Kayla is a “self-love coach” who bought a “one way ticket to find herself” after a relationship break-up. Kayla sounds charming, but I’ve no idea what a self-love coach is. I even checked my old Dolly magazines from the 90s and it’s not mentioned at all, not even in the special sealed sections. What am I supposed to do now, just stare at my Luke Perry posters until the future reveals itself?
National climbing champion Cirrus is a physical trainer who loves adventures and going places. She’s a legend, but why is everyone on this show so obsessed with going places? Why can’t we all just stay home on a one-way ticket to eating the chip crumbs that get stuck down our bras? That’s 100% self-love, right there.
Look, if Moses doesn’t choose Luisa, then I bloody well will. Luisa brings her family with her on dates, she believes in love at first sight, and she went on the show purely to represent the good people of Invercargill. Best of all, she says her party trick is “snacks”. Be still, my beating heart.
Sabby can tie a piece of string with her tongue. Stand down, we have a winner.
Lana has an impressive CV that includes nursing, parallel parking and a “slightly above average skill” in theatre and dance. Sure, but can she do it all at once? That’s exactly the thing that wins the first impression parallel parking/interpretive dance rose.
It’s old mate Niki from The Block NZ! It’s old mate Niki the wedding celebrant from MAFS NZ! It’s old mate Niki from Celebrity Family Feud NZ! No stranger to reality TV, Niki’s come on The Bachelor NZ to find a man “in tune with himself”. In an incredible coincidence, the new bachelor is both a SINGER and a RADIO PRESENTER, and probably even likes TUNA!!!! The longer you think about it, the spookier it gets.
Chanel came on The Bachelor for an adventure around New Zealand, but honestly, Chanel should look no further than her hometown of Wellington. Has she ever seen the Cuba Mall bucket fountain? It’s a fountain made of buckets! It’s a bucket made of fountains! An adventure in every drop.
Shanae is “obsessed with dessert”, a fabulous trait that pushes her straight into the top four, rising to the top like a shiny meringue atop a delicious baked Alaska. Mmm, dessert.
Kimi-Rose is an Auckland teacher who reckons “you only live once”. She wants a man to laugh and travel with, so if Moses chooses her, they’ll probably spend their days giggling about how they can’t travel anywhere at the moment. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Laughter really is the best medicine. *cries*
Good afterble consternoon and hello to Negin, an Auckland police officer looking for a relationship filled with banter and humour. Negin loves a bit of spontaneity, but so did Dave from The Bachelorette NZ and he ended up eating an entire raw egg on national television. No pressure Negin, but the egg needs to get it.
Loves hiking, met some gorillas, owns a bach in the Coromandel. Hiking her way straight to the final imo.
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