Who in the name of what is Jojo Siwa?

Alex Casey can’t stop watching Jojo Siwa’s vlogs on Youtube. With the documentary Jojo Siwa: My World arriving to Lightbox this month, here’s your much-needed introduction to a young internet sensation.

Most nights I find myself falling down a Jojo Siwa rabbit hole, lying on my side with 400 chins as I let vlog after vlog tick over on Youtube. Why do I do it? I couldn’t tell you. Whether it’s a tour of her garish Pimp My Ride car, a demonstration of her shoes that can literally order pizza, or her playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ with her Mum, there’s something endlessly compelling about the glittering content factory that exists around the teenage internet sensation. 

If you’ve never heard of Jojo Siwa until now, that is all about to change. With her special one-off documentary Jojo Siwa: My World coming to Lightbox this month, allow me to further introduce you to the young woman who has sold 40 million hair bows worldwide. Yes – 40 million. 

She got her start on Dance Moms

Well, kind of. First appearing in Abby Lee Miller’s series Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition at the ripe age of 10, she made it to the top five before being booted while dressed like Telephone-era Lady Gaga. She then made it onto the conviction felon’s juggernaut child-bullying series Dance Moms. The above elimination from the troupe (and the show) is about the most savage thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and the fact that she survived it says a lot about why Jojo Siwa is the way that Jojo Siwa is.

She makes relentlessly upbeat music

Nothing’s ever perfect that’s part of all the fun

If we practice really hard then we can all be number one!

You gotta work hard you gotta play hard you gotta show up with your friends

You gotta work hard you gotta play hard so the party never ends

When I was 15 I was listening to My Chemical Romance and staying as still as possible. No wonder young people are so burnt out.

She pours juice on her head often

Sometimes I think I understand what is happening in this world, other times Jojo Siwa pours litres of fluorescent juice on her head in the shower while answering questions from her millions of adoring fans. Sticky!

She’s met Elton John

Guaranteed Elton John has no idea what is going here.

She has a lot of merch

And I mean A LOT. Never mind the fact that the world is burning, recycling is basically pointless and the earth’s crust is clogged with fidget spinners, can I interest you in this $300 Jojo Siwa doll complete with TINY SELFIE STICK? Why not merge two Youtube memes with this Jojo Siwa slime kit? Or tackle that next big business trip with this Jojo Siwa luggage?

She is often indecipherable

When she isn’t shouting at her camera, Jojo is talking so fast that she could probably put Trisha Paytas out of a job. My research has led me to believe that her intro can be loosely translated to “hey guys it’s Jojo and welcome back to jojo juice where I do creative things every Wednesday” but I firmly require a second opinion.

The internet has concerns for her hairline

First of all re the above, it’s quite weird to track the hairline of a child but OK. Second of all, I know how sore a tight ponytail can be on the old scalp machine. To rock that taut side pony look day in, day out, is cause for alarm. Will Jojo Siwa be the youngest person to follow in the footsteps of Shane Warne and have her hair replaced strand by strand? Only time will tell.

In the meantime, here’s a tutorial if you ever want to cosplay as the Siwa herself.

She’s been called a gay icon

Speaking to Out magazine, drag performer Izzy Uncut explained her adoration for Jojo Siwa. “She’s literally a drag queen. She’s doing is a flawless drag-adjacent performance. At only 15 years old she’s curated this absurd personality for the cameras, and people are forced to pay attention.” Jojo for guest judge on Drag Race season 11, IMO.

Her room is my cheese dreams

I don’t want to overreact here, but I think it should be illegal to have that many wall decals of yourself in your bedroom. But then again, as a wise prophet once said: if you see it, you can be it, you believe it you achieve it. D.R.E.A.M.

She’s more successful than you or I will ever be

It’s harsh but it’s true, and no amount of juice you pour onto your head in the shower is going to change that. 

 

 


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