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The Bachelor NZ Power Rankings – This is not The Notebook

Alex Casey tackles the eighth week of The Bachelor NZ, including some extra feedback from Real Pod special guest Anne ‘The Champagne Lady’ Batley Burton.

Off we went this week to the beautiful islands of Khao Lak where the waters were pristine, the sand was sizzling and Dom was a beach goth dressed entirely in black for some reason.

Maybe Dom is getting all grungey and dark because things are getting super serious on The Bachelor NZ now. Just look at pensive Zac: his buzzy boardies can’t even cheer him up in troubling times like this.

To be fair, Zac has plenty of reasons to be emo. First, he kissed more than one girl at the cocktail party and was the guiltiest he’s ever been…

Secondly, Sarah took herself out of the game on Sunday night after confessing (again) to not liking fish aka Zac’s beloved ocean family:

 

Goodbye sweet Sarah the homeowner. May your home remain warm, dry and a resilient fortress against even the scariest of fish.  

AND LASTLY Hannah, the third Amigos, was sent packing last night after even this killer Bachelor buzzwords spiel couldn’t save her…

Let us dive onto the ramshackle raft of sticks that is The Bachelor NZ…

1) Lily

Lily the larrikin has levelled up to being LILY THE GIRL THAT ZAC IS IN LOVE WITH?!? Sharing a raft together with a lovely gentleman, the pair waxed lyrical about gambling, taking risks and so-called “feelings.” Lily reckons she can see Zac melt around the edges when they are together.

They even got their own The Notebook moment, except their reboot didn’t make me cry deeply into an empty tub of knock-off Nutella like the original does.

The pair enjoyed a sexy wee dinner by a waterfall and a severe amount of candlelight, where Lily sealed the deal by licking her spoon suggestively. “How are you only 20?” Zac asked, at this stage a puddle of tan and seawater on the floor, “I’ve had a lot of work done” Lily quipped. Hmmm….

Age truthers aside, Lily’s real shocker came when she stood in the hotel room BRUSHING HER TEETH WITH A DRY, PASTE-LESS TOOTHBRUSH AAARRRGGGHHH

Anne the Champagne Lady thinks: Lily is “nasty” :O


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2) Viarni

Look, I still think Viarni is probably going to take this whole thing out, but I’m putting her second because she literally rocked the boat when poor old Sarah was in it and I thought Sarah was going to cark it via her fish fears and I simply cannot tacitly endorse an attempted murderer.

All I know is that I zoned out for a bit when Viarni and Zac were canoodling at the cocktail party (!) and snorted myself awake as Vee said “he doesn’t have many, if any”. Whether she was talking about his flaws, or the amount of t-shirts he owns without moth-eaten holes in them, it’s safe to say that she is definitely Scribe now.

Viarni could well be our next biggest rapper, especially when you consider that she spat this killer line about 40,000 times over the last two nights.

Anne the Champagne Lady thinks: Viarni is “classy”

3) Claudia

First of all, Claudia is a chess queen to rival season one’s champ Natasha:

With their relationship still “like fireworks” Claudia made like a Catherine Wheel and swung into a single date by way of this weird, handwritten, dry-wipe invitation.

Sitting on the beach in her finest Coachella flower crown, Claudia did not receive a rose on the date but became the proud recipient of an Angela Daniels diamond necklace. Wow. Just wow. 

She’s not fazed though, because roses “wilter” and diamonds are forever.

Are diamonds forever? Or are they for as long as you hold onto them post-Bachelor until you inevitably chuck them up on Trademe?

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Call me Wilter White, but Dom was really trying to break bad with this botched pronunciation of “catamaran”

Also… get your tinfoil hat on because….

Makes you think.


These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:

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