Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from the finale of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
You could have knocked me over with a ginger feather when ‘Eye of the Storm’ began with Claire announcing she was dead. Dead as in not breathing, tied to a ship’s mast, plummeting to the bottom of the ocean, D-E-A-D.
Oh, no you don’t, Claire Beauchamp-Fraser-Randall-Malcolm-Fraser. This glorious season of Outlander may have bequeathed us many gifts – like Annekje the Swedish Goat Woman and Frank’s collection of turtleneck jerseys – but this whole ‘dead Claire who talks’ thing was a mindscrew too far.
I had questions, and the opening titles hadn’t even finished. If Claire had carked it, how was she communicating from beyond her watery grave? Had we been transported into a fresh time/space continuum? Or were we all dead too, watching from a heaven where God was actually a hot ginger behemoth named James Fraser?
Hold the phone, stop the bus, let me climb into a crow’s nest of confusion because I have seen the golden light, and it is GOOD.
But back to dead Claire, who had washed overboard in the Outlander shitstorm to end all shitstorms.
That hurricane came out of nowhere, probably thanks to all the hot air created during the uber-long Jamie and Claire foreplay scene. Nothing gets in the way of Fraser sexy time — not murdering your old mate in a cave, or being arrested by the Redcoats, or being a talking corpse swimming in a hurricane. That’s love for you. Makes me sick.
Claire’s last words before she went overboard were “I’m still the ship’s surgeon.” Perhaps she should have screamed “I’m sorry (not sorry) I chopped Geillis’ head off,” or “I wish I’d told Frank I thought his taste in neckties was questionable.” Poor Frank, what would he have made of Claire slicing Geillis’ head wide open? You’d never see that shit go down at Harvard.
As Claire sank towards the ocean floor, our gallant hero leapt into the churning waters with as much reckless abandon as the time he skinny-dipped in the freezing millpond in season one. Jamie wanted to save Claire’s life as badly as he wanted non-lumpy bannocks.
If that’s not the most romantic thing you’ll ever hear, then throw me overboard and cast me adrift in a sea of regret until I beach myself on an island covered in tiny goats and talking coconuts.
You could have crocheted one of Lord John’s neckties out of the loose ends that were tied up during this season finale. Lord John saved Jamie from being hanged, Jamie spared Young Ian from becoming a human sacrifice, and Yi Tien Cho rescued Margaret from her evil brother. Enemies were overcome and wrongs were righted, and I needed three kegs of Claire’s calming peppermint tea and a bloody good lie down to recover from it all.
Thankfully, Jamie had everything under control. “There’s no need to be afraid,” he told Young Ian, who’d been kidnapped, almost burned alive and just witnessed his aunt chop someone’s head off. Yeah, Ian, chill out. Shit’s about to get a whole lot worse once you get on that boat.
I’m having trouble focusing after all this drama, much like Geillis after she was decapitated. ‘Eye of the Storm’ drenched us in enough salty layers of romance and adventure to keep the thirstiest of fans well hydrated during Droughtlander, so let’s make a deep dive into its top ten moments.
1) Geillis’ eyes roll so far back they land in 1968
Also my reaction when I realised this was a goat-free episode.
2) Lord John crushes Captain Leonard like a tiny Jamaican ant
So many burns the Captain’s wig nearly caught on fire.
3) Geillis questions Claire’s epic time travel yarn: “I’ve heard better stories in Mills and Boon”
Wash your mouth out, Geillis Duncan, because you’ll never find a more enduring love than that between Claire ‘not dead yet’ Randall and Jamie ‘man of a thousand wigs’ Fraser. Trust me on this, I once sat through 26 episodes of a reality show about two lovesick guinea pigs.
4) Captain Leonard tells Jamie he’s “quite droll, for a man in irons”
Wait until he starts telling jokes about living in a cave for seven years, you’ll be rolling in the aisles.
5) Claire tells Geillis in 1768 that Geillis met Brianna in 1968 which was before Geillis met Claire in 1743 prior to Claire returning to 1948 to give birth to a 200-year-old baby
My head hurts.
6) Jamie ends up back in a cave
Full circle moment, but there’ll be hell to pay if Mary McNabb suddenly appears out of that mystical paddling pool.
7) Jamie and Claire finally find Young Ian
Why didn’t they look in a magical cave on a slave plantation under a time travel portal in the first place? Honestly, they had one job.
8) Claire kills Geillis
WHAT THE ACTUAL FLIPPING HECK JUST HAPPENED
9) Jamie shaves his face and all is right with the world again
The Frasers are sailing back to Scotland to live happily ever after WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.
10) A shipwrecked Claire tells Jamie she will never leave him again
Me either, Jamie Fraser. We are both barnacles of love clinging to your giant hull for ever and ever amen.
Special mention: Jamie’s single teardrop
Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, over you, Droughtlander. See you in 2018.
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