Tara Ward power ranks week three of Celebrity Treasure Island.
Oh god, the tears. Never before has a series of Celebrity Treasure Island been this emotional, and as we hooned through week three, the weeping continued. Here I was thinking that chucking a bunch of celebs into the middle of nowhere, giving them no food and making them do batshit challenges every day was a recipe for joy and happiness, but absolutely not. There’s nothing like embracing your emotions and having a good old wah, and as three more celebrities left the island this week, everybody felt sad about it.
The ocean may have risen several metres thanks to the saline pouring from these celebrity tear ducts, but this week, it finally felt like the famous people had come to play. As the two teams merged into one, the challenges became far more physically painful, critical alliances were formed, and having a cunning strategy was crucial. Look, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a celebrity cooking challenge by chucking baked bean juice onto a burned bagel, and with only seven celebrities remaining, we’re getting down to the nitty gritty. Let’s roll into this week’s rankings.
ELIMINATED: Portia Woodman-Wickliffe
The former Black Fern and Olympic medalist was the favourite to win this entire wacky game, until Zion Dayal eliminated her in a puzzle challenge that involved moving wooden donuts from one stick to another. Everyone bawled, including Portia, but she left with her head held high. “I know I’ve made wāhine proud, I know I’ve made tangata Māori proud, and when I watch this back, I’m going to be so proud of myself.”
ELIMINATED: Te Ao o Hinepehinga
“I thought someone was going to vote me off on day three, because they realised I don’t shut up,” Te Ao said. She made it all the way to day eight, when she was eliminated by her mate Georgia LInes in a fast round of the CTI classic “stack the boxes with your feet”. What a way to go.
ELIMINATED: Ben Barrington
“Big Ben’s coming down,” Zion Dayal predicted, and ding dong, he was right. Shorty Street actor Ben was the biggest physical threat in the competition once Portia left, but he too went bye-bye after his Big Ben tower collapsed in the contest’s final moments. It was the most dramatic elimination of the season so far, with Ben’s hopes and dreams slipping away faster than a Shortland Street poonami (yep, every week).
7. Frank Bunce
“I’m the oldest one here, underestimate at your peril,” Frank warned this week. He also said, “I think I was blessed with big nostrils,” so make of that what you will.
6. Liv Parker
Liv survived this week’s tough physical challenges by using her “mind palace” as a distraction, which mostly involved watching the entire film of Twilight in her head. Then she announced to everyone that she loves gherkins, which is exactly what Edward Cullen said to Bella Swan the first time he saw her.
5. Louis Davis
Louis won the first individual immunity challenge and earned the nickname The Godfather, but there was no bigger moment than when he donned this charming shirt-as-hat number, an ensemble that’s equal parts sun-smart and fun-smart.
4. Ria Vandervis
It’s a hell of a power move to deliberately throw an immunity challenge, but that’s exactly what Ria did this week. By letting Georgia win immunity and the right to nominate two players for elimination, Ria could throw her support behind the women’s alliance without having to break her alliance with Ben. If that wasn’t powerful enough, she also won $5,000 for her chosen charity by sticking her nose down a stinky tube. Celebrities! Never not smelling stuff.
3. Georgia Lines
“We have to scheme quietly, make moves and get to the merge,” Georgia said as she kickstarted her plan to get as many women as possible to the final three. But amid all her plotting and scheming, Georgia also became known as this season’s puzzle queen, which puzzled her more than the puzzliest puzzle in Puzzletown. “I said once that I could do a sudoku,” she explained. Say no more, Puzzle Queen.
2. Nix Adams
Tough week for Nix, who put her hero Portia up for elimination and then had to use a special power-blocking card to make sure she actually left the game. Then when the teams merged, Nix struggled to find a moment’s peace to strategise after those celeb clowns from Tākapu came into her camp and wouldn’t stop asking questions. “This is like playing chess!” she said in desperation, and she is 100% right, as long as chess involves making well-known New Zealanders pick up bananas using only their mouths in an effort to win money for charity.
1. Zion Dayal
We barely heard a peep from the TVNZ sports reporter until he decided to step up and take out three huge threats in the game – Vinnie Bennett last week, and this week, Portia and Ben. The eliminations were hectic – who knew building a tower would make for such gripping telly – and the only time Zion flinched was when Bree Tomasel necked a bottle of raw pancake mix in front of him. The man is unflappable. That’s why they call him Zion The Giant Slayer, proving once again that it’s always the quiet ones you need to watch.
Celebrity Treasure Island screens Mondays to Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TVNZ2, and streams on TVNZ+.
