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Pop CultureOctober 17, 2018

Ally McBeal was peak nineties

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Unisex bathrooms, weird homophobia and even weirder visual effects. Sam Rutledge revisits the simultaneously regressive and progressive Ally McBeal.

“Men are like gum anyway – after you chew a while they lose their flavour.”

Calista Flockhart’s titular Ally McBeal delivers this line in 1997 with all the guts of someone who has had absolutely enough right now, and in 2018 I feel a familiar stirring that goes along the lines of “oh no I love her”.

Ally McBeal, and also me whenever anything remotely inconvenient happens.

It’s been 21 years since Ally McBeal first aired, and until now I’d gone 21 years without seeing anything more than a few clips on YouTube. I decided to rectify that, because based on simple logic (girl lawyer), the show is right up my alley. Now I have no interest in being a lawyer myself because I’ve heard that being loud and right is, disappointingly, not the crux of uh, “lawyering”.

But I love a good lawyer show. I like to tell people that everything I’ve learned about American law I’ve learned from Twitter and The Good Wife, which could be funny but is mostly just true. I want to say I learned something about the law from watching about three seasons of Suits, too, but in reality they use the term lawyer very loosely over there and it is mostly a show about its title and also doing crimes.

But bringing it back in, Ally McBeal (the show, not the person) has more than a tenuous grasp on the law, even if the law isn’t really its focus. It also has a baller opening credits sequence that really gets you hype.

I miss when we used to have a whole credits sequence for TV shows (listen I also use the “skip intro” function on every streaming service that exists, that is not the POINT), especially because it looked like every show was using Windows Movie Maker for the very first time. I have such a nostalgic feeling every time I watch credits from the late 90s, because I too was learning how to use Windows software without a great deal of success.

We open the pilot episode with Ally talking about her first kiss with her childhood sweetheart Billy. After a few weird moments of kids kissing in close ups we find out they broke up after Ally followed him to LAW SCHOOL, oh girl.

Then in the present day when she calls out workplace sexual harassment – this is timely, AND her office is as opulent as the damn White House for some reason – she ends up essentially getting fired for it. In an amazing twist of happenstance, Ally winds up at the exact law office her ex-boyfriend Billy works at now. Present day Billy has TERF bangs and a very oval head and I can already tell I’m not going to like him.

Thankfully he fixes his hair pretty quickly. I think he heard me.

Calista Flockhart is instantly charming as Ally. She’s sharp and funny and Buffy-esque in her manner, and it makes me wonder why she hasn’t been more high-profile. Like what’s happened to her? Is she okay? What does she do now? Is she still married to Harrison Ford? We have to find out.

Lucy Liu’s first memorable screen appearance as Ling Woo.

The rest of the cast has plenty of recognisable faces too – Greg Germann plays senior partner Richard Fish, which has to be a writer’s room joke; Christina Ricci, Robert Downey Jr and Heather Locklear all make memorable appearances, and Lucy Liu and Portia De Rossi join the cast later on in the series.

I would also be completely remiss if I didn’t mention Jane Krakowski, who plays Ally’s assistant Elaine. Jane Krakowski is legendary no matter where she’s putting her talents, but I miss Jenna Maroney every single day of my miserable post-30 Rock life and seeing her face again has made me feel real, tangible joy. Elaine is young and peppy and immediately my favourite character. Ally hates her for no real reason from the get-go, I assume because she’s another woman who is good at her job, and I hope that the more of this I watch the more they become friends. Hating other women isn’t very post-feminist of you, Ally!!

Can you hear Muffin Top playing softly in the distance?

Update on Calista Flockhart: she is still married to Harrison Ford and she most recently starred in Supergirl, a show about Supergirl. Glad we cleared that up.

Like all of David E Kelley’s shows, Ally McBeal has a lot of bold, agitated camerawork and tall blonde women. It also loves fantasy sequences, which honestly I feel we no longer utilise enough, and funny sound/visual effects, which I think we’re doing okay without.

David E. Kelley is also responsible for The Practice (which crossed over with Ally McBeal on more than one occasion), its spinoff Boston Legal, and more recently the miniseries Big Little Lies. The last one seems well divorced from the rest of his repertoire but it did have a lawyer in it (Nicole Kidman). To me he’s like Aaron Sorkin lite, which I don’t think his shows suffer for at all, but they do still have that walk-and-talk, rapid-fire quality that makes them fun if a little nauseating to watch. And hard to binge. I’ve had to take several breaks from this show and I’m not even a full season in yet.

I have no adequate explanation for this.

Like a lot of shows of this era, Ally McBeal is recent enough to feel like it wasn’t on all that long ago, but a lot of its particulars have aged… horribly. There’s plenty of misogyny from the female characters even while Ally is in the middle of lamenting how women shouldn’t have to suck up to men to get ahead, and even in a show that has a lot of lawyer stuff in it I think it struggles to pass the Bechdel test most of the time. Ally McBeal’s women love their men and their men love to range from boring to terrible to just fine.

Ally McBeal’s storylines often skewed towards discussions of gender and sexuality, but from what I’ve seen it wasn’t that interested in exploring what might happen outside of the heterosexual male/female binary (at least not in any way that doesn’t reinforce that binary as the norm).

It’s disappointing, but to give credit where it’s due it did at least talk about it, instead of doing what most shows in the late ’90s did and pretend gay people didn’t exist at all. If the show were to be made now I’d like to think it would do better. I have to hope that it would do better, because the alternative is bleak.

One thing the show did right with completely the wrong intention, and what seems to be an enduring memory from people I’ve asked about the show, is its unisex bathroom. When Ally first starts working at her new firm, her boss makes a point to mention that there’s no separate male/female bathroom, something that I wouldn’t even have picked up on had a whole joke not been made out of it.

In 2018 non-gendered bathrooms aren’t – and shouldn’t be – considered a big deal, but a big deal sure was made whenever one character followed another of a different gender into the bathroom on the show. It was a bizarre device and a lot of bizarre scenes seem to have sprung from it if the screencaps I saw on Google are any indication.

As for whether it holds up overall, I think it does. There are plenty of shows in 2018 that still have poorly finessed gender politics and boring men and plenty of people watch them, so if you’ve been wondering whether now is the time to pick it up I say go for it. Personally I’ve heard some stuff about a dancing ghost baby so I’m excited to continue this weird journey into Ally McBeal’s unknown.

Keep going!
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Pop CultureOctober 17, 2018

Married at First Sight NZ Power Rankings: Surrender now or prepare to fight

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It’s week three on Married at First Sight NZ, and it’s going downhill faster than Ksenia in a minivan. 

What a tremendous week on the greatest show on Earth. We got our first visit back to the big old brick commitment ceremony heaven in the sky, we got a lot of seaside drama, and we got to see inside the actual homes of our actual national forever-lovers. We also got to see what the lead guitarist from Zed is up to, in not one but TWO different locations. Set my soul on goddamn fire *eerie guitar picking*.

Huge if true

This week Married at First Sight NZ was also not afraid to touch on some trickier subjects as our couples threw open their windows, let down their hair and tossed their gorgeous plaits of personality down to us peasants waiting below. Tayler opened up about his use of preventative HIV medication Truvada, Dan revealed his experience with PTSD following the Christchurch earthquakes and Ottie wrestled with being a woman in her thirties who – gasp – doesn’t want kids.

Oh, and we also got a lot of interesting and telling breakfast insights. Let us begin.

6) Julia and Dave

Breakfast horoscope: Coffee pod with travel milk + straw

What it means: Here for a good time, not a long time. Also, kinda bad for the environment? 

We’ve seen the same argument so many times already. She wants her own space and doesn’t feel attracted to him. He is clearly hurt by that but instead says inane things like “we are running out of coffee pods real fast,” and gets a new haircut to try and look like Sam Levi, the man his wife is spending more time with than him.

Sure, they had a fun surrender date where they jumped off the Sky Tower but… I’m afraid… I don’t these two can… Hackett….

Also, how weird is it to hear the term “metrosexual” bandied about like it’s 1999?! A big sticking point for Jules is that Dave really likes his skincare, which she thinks undermines his masculinity. Everyone knows that real men don’t use moisturiser, in fact they weather their dry skin into a husk so thick that it becomes an impenetrable shield for any wanton emotions that might try and spear them in the throat when they least expect it. It’s just science.

On the hometown dates, Dave tried to prove his masculinity by performing a drum solo in his dungeon and being the proud owner of not one, but TWO manly beanbags.

Alas, it was too little, too late. JuDa’s (ju-da-ah-ahs) week ended in a truly agonising and horrible seaside fight, where they finally addressed the elephant in the room – the lack of physical connection. That same elephant then trampled all over their hearts and mine, and I’m not sure if we will recover. This is honestly the worst Shrek reboot ever :(.

5) Wayne and Ksenia

Breakfast horoscope: Cheese and ham croissant

What it means: First of all: yum. Second of all: absolutely cooked. I think this about sums up Wayne and Ksenia’s relationship quite nicely. All the ingredients were there, looked good at first glance, but the longer you sit with it, the more charred and unpleasant the whole thing gets.

The week began with things looking up, as Ksenia finally found something she liked doing: playing on the playground. When you combine that with her passion for duck-feeding, things become more and more sinister. That’s right folks, I just feel like Ksenia might be the soul of a five year-old girl trapped in an adult body. “That’s you” she said, pointing to a big frog and then to Wayne. My primary school comedy queen. 

During their surrender date, Wayne risked his life to take her for a driving lesson in the country, L-plates and all. I thought this was pretty thoughtful, and Ksenia did too. Besides, if Mark Vette can teach a dog to drive, then surely Wayne can teach a sentient onion? She laughed and laughed and laughed and things were looking better than ever for our unlikely duo.

Until they went to Wayne’s house, and this huge ominous clock on the wall foreshadowed their demise.

Check out that three, wtf is going on

I’m sorry, but this is the biggest, weirdest clock I have ever seen in my whole damn life. Does timepiece enthusiast Sam Levi know about this? Does anyone care that Wayne is using a mug emblazoned with “shut up I’m a princess” on it? Is anyone still keeping tabs on how many times he’s worn those pizza socks? It’s all a bloody topsy turvy Lewis Carroll nightmare and that’s probably why he’s resorted to wearing his sunnies inside.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so things now seem to be falling apart in a big way. After Wayne’s mates didn’t see a spark with Ksenia, he called in the experts to sit on a serious couch, look at Ksenia seriously and say serious things like “you are confusing.” It would appear these two are on different planets, have completely different communication styles, and the symbolism of him being a race car driver and her not knowing how to drive has never been more poetic. 

Tense

4) Gareth and Ottie

Breakfast horoscope: Baileys and dry toast, and maybe a Big Mac?

What does it mean: Chaos reigns supreme and, above all else, hail Satan.

These two are honestly both the demon barbers of reality TV Fleet Street. I’ve never really seen anyone like them before. So cool to enter into a televised social experiment and then refuse to give the experts, the producers or the audience a bloody inch of your emotions. What a mysterious, frustrating pair. We barely saw any of them for the first two episodes this week and, in the commitment ceremony, we finally saw why.


We got some deeper insight when the couple travelled to Gareth’s fruit-ruled town of Cromwell, where they were promptly greeted with one thousand throw pillows and the decaying bouquet from their wedding, hung over the marital bed to rot. “I’m sure it means something… special…” Ottie murmured from under her trucker cap.

Gareth’s parents loved Ottie which seemed to stress her out, because she’s not one for the family life and really doesn’t want children. Not even “a small child or a half child,” and that’s saying something. They travelled to her house in the underworld, and it was unsurprisingly laden with skulls, dead bugs and a candle shaped like a baby’s head that cries blood when you light it. Fetch me the Bailey’s for me scattered nerves, would ya?

Ottie, laughing maniacally at me being scared of her spooky things

Ottie introduced Gareth to her group of “circus freak” friends, who frankly just seemed like a bunch of stone cold legends who love a cold brew and a Ploughman’s platter. He botched up the night, though, saying something weird about dogs and loyalty which upset everybody.

PS: can Ottie’s dog and Yuki’s dog get married? Now THAT would be Three’s television night of the year. PPS: Here’s a pic of me reacting to this amazing fourth wall shattering moment:

3) Sam and Tayler

Breakfast horoscope: Smooth peanut butter toast and almond milk

What does it mean: That sort of bad, stuck to the roof of your mouth, cloying feeling of deep unease? That’s smooth peanut butter, and that’s also Sam and Tayler.

Tie me to a flying fox and hurtle my corpse through the Adrenalin Forest, it’s been an extremely hectic ride for the boys this week. They had a whole lot of fights this week: about Tayler’s bad ear, about Tayler not knowing what he eats for dinner, about Tayler not knowing what he wanted to do with his afternoon. For a guy who wears a hoodie that says PEACE on it, Sam sure knows how to kick off more than a few wars.

But shout out for keeping the peace with the sponsor, and giving us our first taste of unscripted Sodastream action. Of course it was the #influencer being the first to step up and represent that branded content. He’s on a journey, and that journey is… fizzy. 

What else happened? Sam said that all the women on the show were dull, wept on the commitment couch about letting down his walls and then Tayler rated their relationship a jaw-dropping 9.4 out of 10. I get confused. It seems like they are always fighting, but then Tayler says he thinks Sam is best thing since penis pasta and Sam says Tayler is everything he could have ever asked for. I tell you who he seems to like more though…..

I don’t think these two are going to make it, but I know for a fact that Tayler swinging on a thing and singing “I came in like a wreeecking ball” is going to stand the test of time.

2) Monique and Fraser

Breakfast horoscope: Yummy cooked Kiwi brekko

What does it mean: Damn. This is the real deal. Little delectable hash bite things. Crispy bacon. Scrambled eggs. An exorbitant amount of toast. T-sauce. If that’s not two people on the cusp of maybe, kinda, sorta, eventually having feelings for each other, then I honestly don’t know what is.

Also: how are Monique’s sleeves attached? More witchcraft imo

I also want to talk about how Fraser pre-oils his steak in the packet rather than in the pan, but we simply don’t have time. The hometown dates this week were much more revelatory for Fraser than they were for Monique, who is still taking things much slower than he is. She’s worried that they don’t have the same sense of humour, I’m worried that her Mum was all cryptically “you have the exact same hair colour” like they are definitely siblings or at least cousins?

My salt bae king

It was a sweet moment when Fraser praised Monique’s ability to be “considerate of other people’s emotions” and she got all shy. But then, he twerked. And then, we got to see his bedroom. I am beside myself. Not only about the fact that he doesn’t have a proper bed, but that his scummy little mattress thing was perfect ordained with a SILK KIMONO like a crime scene. And he has a shiny ass shirt in his wardrobe. And he still has that musical tie.

Long live Fraser.

I gotta say, there was no bigger bubble burst than when Fraser’s friend leaned over to Monique and asked “have you seen Fraser’s dick?” So intense. Arguably Three’s biggest night of television yet.

1) Yuki and Dan

Breakfast horoscope: Seems like these two just made a shitload of Carbonara every day. Aka: I predict a Yan baby by 2019.

If this was a game of Cluedo, I can confidently say that I’ve been killed by Yuki and Dan, under the cherry blossoms, with Zara the dog. This week we found out that Dan was fretting about moving in with Yuki because he’s used to the bachelor lifestyle of leaving the toilet seat up, cooking single serve, and laughing his fuckin’ ass off through the traumatic disaster epic Deep Impact.

Dan: cracking up in the face on environmental genocide

While Yuki wept at the thought of a young Elijah Wood facing peril at the hand of an almighty meteor, Dan seemed proud of the fact that he guffawed all the way through. Here’s my question: what does it take Dan to stop laughing, if not the complete annihilation of large parts of civilisation? Absolute psychopath. I bet the guy doesn’t even use a keep cup. In other news, Yuki is terrified that everything is going too well.

As if these two weren’t already a powerhouse of “gnaaaaw” sounds, Yuki introduced us to her dog Zara. I would die for Zara. I’m not surprised that Zara had a little accident when Yuki finally came home. If Yuki walked into my house, I’d probably pee a little bit as well. It’s a match made in heaven, it’s a love meteor headed straight to our collective hearts. Even if it all falls apart, at least Dan got to flex his sparky muscles at the salon for that Zed guy.

Wow. Just wow. See you all next week.

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