Alex Casey delivers her final rankings for The Bachelor NZ season three, including old croissants, a winner and drone shots for days. So many days.
Look, I’m tired. I’m more tired than Lily huffing her way up a hilly driveway to meet Zac halfway because the Suzuki Swift probably ran out of gas. I’m more tired than when Zac got hopelessly lost in rural New Zealand, not a car or kayak in sight.
Am I happy for Vee? Yes. Did she get a final rose? No. Has she still won? I… think so. Do I want Lily to be the Bachelorette in 2018? Yes. She charmed Zac’s family with her larrikin shenanigans, but the uncaged butterfly couldn’t flap her wings hard enough to change the Hawke’s Bay winds of love.
As the season comes to an end, let us not cry, cry, cry like Zac’s mum at the sight of a wilting croissant. Instead, let us laugh, laugh, laugh like Zac Franich looking at a funny shaped piece of bark on a beach.
Here are the final rankings of my favourite moments from the last episode of The Bachelor NZ season three. Good luck Zac and Viarni, may you enjoy your honeymoon (can we call it that?) at the Fox Glacier, wherever tf that even is.
1) One more glance at my one true love
Fare thee well, Optic White. May you be a part of Matilda Rice’s everyday beauty routine until the stars turn cold. I will stick to using a gnarled twig with some charcoal paste on it like the Survivor rat I am.
2) Zac vs. Serendipity
There’s just no way he has ever used that very long word in the right context.
3) Btw, TV3 blew the budget hiring Terrence Malick for this shot
Nothing says “I’m about to break the heart of a larrikin” like running your hands through the tussock in slow motion.
4) Zac serving up T-Bird realness
Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car? Yes he does and it is a burnt orange Suzuki and you should never sit it in because you will be filmed by an army of go-pros as you tell your deepest darkest secrets.
5) Case in point: sweetheart-gate
Zac may have spilled the beans early last night when he let this ol’ gooey term of endearment slip out of his gigantic, dazzlingly-toothed mouth.
5) Why is Zac so goddamn wet?
6) I feel like they brought in Vincent Ward for this date
This is some serious Vigil shit. Who would have thought such a prime example of the New Zealand gothic would come out of a show sponsored by Pita Pit?
This is the part where they probably find a corpse of someone or something (probably a child).
This is where the very ominous figure shows up wearing a cloak and the pair disappear into the landscape forever.
7) Mum (Debbie) taking Letterman comedy gulps…
Shout to to the editor that always cut to Debbie taking a big ol’ swig of something after dropping a scorcher of a question or a zinger of a line. Is it coffee? Is it vodka? We’ll never know for sure.
8) But also maybe being Norma Bates?
Hmmmmmmm. Probably fine.
9) Lily stoked the fires of love
Lily’s last gasp attempt at impressing Zacky boy came when she was given the almighty task of stoking The Bachelor fire. He did not think that she, a WOMAN, would be able to do it – but she showed him. Put the log on the thing, blow the air on the thing.
Congratulations Lily. You may not have won the ring, but you have definitely claimed your rightful place – both literally and metaphorically – as a twisted firestarter.
10) The winning grins
These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.