Who deserves a seat at the Celebrity Traitors NZ round table?
Who would you put on Celebrity Traitors NZ? (Image: The Spinoff/Supplied)
As Celebrity Traitors UK returns for more murder and mayhem, we dare to dream: which famous New Zealanders would make the line-up for a homegrown celebrity season?
The Celebrity Traitors UK is back, and all is right with the world. We’re only four episodes in to the second season of the twisted parlour game featuring some of Britain’s most recognisable faces, but the intrigue has already been murderously good: one traitor accidentally revealed their identity just moments into the game, reluctant faithfuls were recruited to become traitors, and James Blunt wore a fighter pilot suit to get buried alive. UK viewers have hoovered up the show’s return, with a record-breaking nine million people watching episode one.
The success of Celebrity Traitors UK is mostly down to the calibre of the cast. Both seasons so far have attracted an impressive line-up of established and well-respected actors, academics, broadcasters and comedians, from Stephen Fry to Richard E Grant, Bella Ramsey to Paloma Faith. Unlike many other reality shows, these players aren’t trying to revive their careers. They’re already genuinely famous people who come on The Traitors purely for the love of the game, to gleefully enjoy some psychological manipulation and indulge in “killing” their celebrity mates.
It makes you think: why can’t we do the same thing here? Sure, season one of The Traitors NZ featured an allsorts mix of celebrity and civilian players, but what would New Zealand’s dream celebrity-only cast look like? Who among our local stars would thrive in a world of lies and intrigue, and which famous faces would be frothing to deceive and kill on the telly? Here’s a few local celebs who deserve a seat at our dream Celebrity Traitors NZ round table.
Kim Hill
The former RNZ broadcaster would be terrifyingly brilliant in the Traitors mansion. Faithfuls would crumble at the slightest hint of an interrogation, traitors would self-combust the moment she stared into their duplicitous souls. Forget Nine to Noon, imagine the chats at breakfast. Sadly, Hill would probably be banished first because celebrities are also big scaredy cats, but I want to see Kim Hill fart in a shed, goddammit.
David Lomas
TV presenter and mystery solver David Lomas has built a career out of squeezing the truth out of strangers. If he doesn’t work out who the traitors are in the first five minutes, then we should all lower ourselves into the nearest coffin and scream “haggis” like we’re a Texan model who used to be married to Rupert Murdoch. Don’t make me cry about it, David Lomas.
Hera Lindsay Bird
If you’ve ever read Hera’s weekly advice column on The Spinoff, you’ll know that the award-winning poet is an astute and compassionate observer of the human condition, and she always has the perfect advice for every tortured situation. This means that she could murder you in plain sight while simultaneously reassuring you that the universe does not have it in for you, and she’d be so nice about it that you probably wouldn’t even mind.
Chris Warner
Apparently Chris Warner is a fictional TV character played by an actor named Michael Galvin, but believe what you like. Either way, Dr Love has spent 34 years hornbagging his way around Shortland Street, so it’s time he enjoyed a relaxing killer holiday in a gothic mansion somewhere near Tīmaru. Galvin once told The Spinoff that his infamous “please tell me that is not your penis” line of dialogue will probably end up on his gravestone. Did he mean a Traitors gravestone? Makes you think.
Lorde
Put our Lorde in the Traitors church, ASAP.
Lynda Topp
After Lynda Topp appeared on Guy Mont Spelling Bee earlier this year, The Spinoff lobbied for her to appear on every unscripted TV show – and the sooner the next government fast tracks this into law, the better. “Every now and then someone comes along and rips straight through the very fabric of even the loosest of comedy panel shows, opening up a portal to a whole new dimension of laughs and a previously unplumbed depth of absurdity,” Alex Casey wrote. iI there’s one thing that a TV show about a pretend celebrity murder spree needs, it’s more absurdity.
Suzy Cato
I cannot wait to see the sweet and unassuming children’s television presenter unleash the killer instinct that surely hides deep within. Let our beloved Cato loose in the Traitors conclave and watch her ruthlessly murder in plain sight, all night, every night. See ya, see ya later, indeed.
Anyone from The Chase
After being so obsessed with the British quiz show for millions of years, the six geniuses on The Chase have had so much love from New Zealand that they’re basically honorary citizens and are probably building a six-bedroom apocalyptic bunker near Queenstown as we speak. It doesn’t even matter which one turns up to the Traitors mansion, as long as the Chaser is eventually caught.
Dame Susan Devoy
We tried to avoid choosing New Zealanders who had already starred on Celebrity Treasure Island, but we’re making an exception for Suzy D. Her straight-talking, no bullshit approach would be perfect on a show based on deception and mistrust. Remember when she broke out in hives on CTI and claimed it was because she was “allergic to liars”? Bust out the Savlon, the game’s a good one.
David Correos
Comedian Correos brought some delightfully unhinged energy to season two of Taskmaster NZ, even threatening to drown his competitors in their own blood. Fun! Everything is fine, bring on the chaos agent.
The dog from Heart of the Beast
The entire New Zealand bush was unavailable for Celebrity Traitors NZ, so we chose the next best thing: Uber, the dog who outshined Brad Pitt in the locally-filmed adventure movie Heart of the Beast. “He is quick-footed, knows his lines and has a huge range of emotions,” The Spinoff’s resident Uber expert Chris Schulz says. “The only problem I foresee is that his allegiance could be easily swayed with treats. As long as beef liver snaps are banned from the set, I can see Uber going all the way.”
Who else would you like to see at a Celebrity Traitors NZ roundtable? Make your case in the comments!
Celebrity Traitors UK streams on ThreeNow and screens on Three on Sundays and Mondays at 7.30pm.
Tara Ward
Tara Ward has written about television and culture for The Spinoff for several years. She lives in Ōtepoti Dunedin, where she tries to avoid walking up hills.
