Alex Casey delivers her power rankings for week eight on The Bachelor NZ, including more Middle Earth than you can shake an earring at, and the pact that broke the camel’s back.
Happy to report that it only took until week eight of The Bachelor NZ for something to happen that made me cry with laughter. It began a simple, classic scene, done a thousand times before: mood lighting, hay bales and a comfy warm blanket…
But here’s the real kicker, the real snake in the grass. Take that beautiful romantic setting and throw in a GOLLUM-impersonating, HUMAN TEETH-collecting DEMON called Jordan, doing the most ridiculous impressions I have heard since, well, the pirate impression he had done just THE NIGHT BEFORE:
“C’mon,” he said. “Let’s go to the party” he said. “I’ve organised my own special bags of party favours, containing an assortment of both human and animal teeth.”
Talking of impressions, Jordan also couldn’t resist an homage to Rihanna this week, as Kate swirled around in her sparkly ‘Ceri’ cocktail frock.
Mike also had a stunner of a week. He spilled the coffee beans over a cup of joe with the gals, clearly practicing for his new show The Café:
Then, hyped up on more caffeine than he’s ever had in his life, he cut through all the bullshit:
And finally gave some incredible, inspirational, earth-shattering advice to
Gollum Jordan before the rose ceremony:
So with Kate released from Bachelor jail to fill the seven seas with her wees, and Gabs left to fend for herself in the haunted forest called life, there are only three women remaining to destroy the magic ring in Mordor, or whatever the point of this show is.
Never far from dredging up the horrific memories of the time her girlfriend held her underwater too long when she was three, Naz had another water-related panic attack this week. I don’t blame her. With Kate having parasailed over the bay the day before, who knows what bodily fluids lie beneath the surface.
Covered in urine, Naz secured some extra cuddle time with Jordan and sealed her place in the final three. She’s a love thief of sorts, a hamburglar of hearts:
The fact that Naz can tolerate Jordan for leaving her alone in the woods with nothing but a Blair Witch reference just goes to show that they might actually be made for each other. Forget the threat of the Blair Witch Naz, you know who else collects human remains? YOUR BOYFRIEND JORDAN.
Fleur’s emotions have been erratic of late. Sometimes she’s Sméagol. Sometimes she’s Gollum. Sometimes she lets her walls down and appears as herself, just like Andy Serkis in 13 Going on 30. On Monday night she opened up to Jordan about how she was feeling scared and vulnerable, and got an extensive pash with hand on back – a huge improvement from the hand on elbow made famous in Hawaii.
Fleur also severed her sacred pact with Naz this week, and everyone knows that the most important pact of all is the kind where not all parties know they are a part of a deadly pact.
With the pact in tatters and Naz harnessing her skills gained in the ancient forest shack of the Blair Witch, poor Fleur’s hair began to braid itself into infinity, a slow march towards one single dread of dread. Good luck getting out of that Fleur – both the plaits and the show I mean.
First of all, shout out to Erin for being able to do this elbow trick. Second of all, a PSA to every woman who doesn’t know that, as we discussed on the Fantasy Suite podcast, this trick is an old military tactic to see a boob better. No wonder she turned around, this ain’t her first rodeo.
After a sumptuous elbow display, Erin got the special Waitomo cave date this week, where Jordan gently lured her in to the deepest depths of Michael Hill’s damp lair. Urban legend has it that if you peer closely into any of his products whilst chanting “shoine broight loike a diomond”, all of his diamonds turn into mere glow worm butts. Do with that information what you will.
Within the cave Jordan produced a lovely pair of earrings for Erin because she had done such a great job of dropping movie references that he found enjoyable (Lord of the Rings, The Goonies, Lord of The Rings, Lord of the Rings). Little did Erin know, the earrings were stolen from another cave dweller, who will now stop at nothing to get the precious pieces back….
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