Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street, including #warnerproblems, more fruit mince pies and a bunch of bad Santas.
1) So much Santa drama it felt like an early Christmas cliffhanger
Nothing upsets the fragile testosterone balance in a hospital like three Alpha Santas on a pastry bender. It was an inevitable as a cracked pav on Christmas morning that a contest to sell the most fruit mince pies would end in a pathetic show of macho pie slapping and fake beard pulling. Ho, ho, no.
Real Santa would be disgusted, mostly at the waste of a good mince pie. Boyd, Drew and Cam’s names were added to Santa’s Naughty List and Harper gave them each a lump of coal to smack themselves in the face with, should anyone ever dare to suggest a “Christmas mince pie” storyline ever again.
2) Harry needs to pee
“Take five minutes only,” the examiner warned Harry, after he requested a mid-exam toilet break. Five minutes?! Just how long does Harry Warner need in the loo? #warnerproblems
3) Lucy is preggers
Lucy discovered she had her own tiny mince pie baking in the oven, and threw hygiene to the wind as she waved her urine-soaked pregnancy test around the apartment in a giddy dance of reproductive achievement. Forget Damo’s complicated security system, Lucy should have just waggled her pee stick out the front door to repel Hayden and his tribe of weirdos.
4) Boyd treats Hayden with the respect he deserves
It’s a cunning plan that’s both delicious and nutritious: surprise Hayden with a baguette through the heart, and tie him up with cooked spaghetti. Boyd, you’re a bloody champ.
5) Mo is happy for about five seconds
Something weird happened to Mo’s face: he smiled. Take a long, hard look — like a Supermoon or a Kylie and Jason reunion, it’ll be years before we see this unlikely phenomenon again.
6) Blue sings the examination blues
Blue’s dreams of a bright future were crushed. Missing his NCEA biology exam apparently means he has no hope of ever drawing down a lifetime of student debt, getting a job, or scoring double Fly Buys when he fills up on petrol. All because that dickhead Leroy locked Blue and his plastic bag of biros in a cupboard.
The pressure made everyone emotional. Blue was frustrated he wasn’t sitting in the exam room, wringing his hands because he studied all the wrong things. Kate was too furious to pash Mo, who worried he wouldn’t smile again until 2018. And spare a thought for Harry, perplexed at how anyone goes to the toilet in under five minutes and still maintains an effective hand-washing routine.
7) Cam melts cheese and the world falls over in amazement
Exciting news: Cam was back in the IV, cooking delicious wood fire pizzas! There’s only one flavour, but they come in two sizes! Small! And large!
Like a premenstrual sugar junkie desperate for her next bar of chocolate, I simply cannot get enough of Cam’s riveting menu talk. This was the best food-related dialogue since Murray made meatballs, and that’s saying something.
8) Damo and his sausage dog jim-jams
9) Hayden narrows his eyes
Why is Hayden still in Ferndale? Hasn’t he heard that Boyd has a baguette, and isn’t afraid to use it?
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