The buffet offers up a grand opportunity to stuff one’s face, but what is the best way to optimise your buffet-going experience and eat all the glorious things?

The world’s been nothing but roses and caramel since the invention of the buffet. No other culinary innovation has let humans graze for food as God intended and filled our bellies as Satan demands.

But what is the best way to honour both entities? In other words, how can the diner make sure she extracts the most value from the bain maries and soup vats of the modern buffet? As The Spinoff’s undisputed buffet expert, I offer you my foolproof method of approach. Watch the video, follow my easy step-by-step checklist below, and they’ll be rolling you home with a smile on your face.

Buffet strategy 101 

1. Begin by resisting the urge to immediately fill your plate. Instead walk from island to island so you get an idea of what’s on offer.
2. Avoid carbs. No noodles, chips, potatoes or pasta. These fill you up fast.
3. Instead concentrate on high-value items: food such as fish, seafood or meat. Anything that you know is expensive in the outside world.
4. Don’t fill your plate. Go for small portions, ideally themed by a particular food group.
5. In between plates eat small amounts of cheese or rum balls.
6. Ignore soft serve ice cream and dessert sauces. Go instead for the expensive desserts and get heaps.
7. Go to the restaurant with someone. Conversation will distract you from eating and give you more time to digest.
8. Don’t bother with vegetables or salads.