Alex Casey takes yet another cruise through the bizarre breakfast offerings uploaded to Sir Mad Butcher’s Instagram and unearths a tale of bird-based betrayal.
A lot has changed on Instagram since our first foray into The Mad Butcher’s bizzaro breakfast offerings in 2018. From FaceTune changing IRL faces, the arrival of TikTok-inspired Reels and a pandemic-induced photo dump trend, Butch has remained a steady online presence through it all. Delighting his audience with ill-timed black puddings, personalised plastic plates and impossibly blurry photos taken from a kayak, he’s truly one of the most thrilling and confusing influencers New Zealand has ever known.
Nobody asked for another instalment, but here are his greatest Instagram hits from over the last year.
HORNY CRUMPETS
“I won’t tell you what the wife had ready for me when I got back from the kayak,” The Butch teases next to this this steamy buttered crumpet pic. “That’s a secret.” I hate to tell you this but, according to wordhistories.net, the noun “crumpet” is used to denote either women as objects of sexual desire, or the actual act of sexual intercourse. It is simply too rude to think about what FOUR crumpets might mean in this context, let alone when they rest seductively on what appears to be TWO plates.
SIMPLY A LOT OF OYSTERS
See above ;)
BLEAK CHEERIOS
Why are the comments turned off? Who is Hotline Jim? Where is the sauce? Why am I crying? Might as well rename these “ios”, because where is the cheer :(
SPOONING BANANA AND CHICKEN
Time to do away with the concept of “big spoon, little spoon” and instead embrace “big banana, little chook”. It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but I think we can all agree none of us will forget this image for as long as we all shall live, amen.
CHALLENGING CRESCENT OF KIDNEYS
TOO MUCH TOAST
Who knew Butch was basically the MC Escher of toast? At a glance, how many pieces of toast do you reckon are on this plate? I get a different number every time, but the evergreen answer is “too much”.
A DUCK’S BREAKFAST
The Butch knows the importance of a hearty breakfast for animals big and small, which is why he can be seen here feeding his beloved #ducks a hearty meal of Mainfeeds Barnyard wheat pellets, retailing at $12.19 per 10kg. “They love it even better when it’s raining,” Butch explains, “because I didn’t go out and have a drink in the puddles of water around.” We respect a giardia king.
A DUCK’S RECKONING
Two weeks later, the duck mood has changed. “I’ll have to stop feeding the DUCKS” Butch writes, switching dramatically to caps lock. “THE LAST FEW DAYS WE HAVE HAD OVER 40 turning up for a free feed.” Only $12.19 per 10kg Butch, come on!
A DUCKING DESPAIR
Despite the rationing, Butch takes to Instagram a few days later to share another distressed duck update. “Unfortunately it sucks I’m not getting the message out there is no more freebies now [the ducks are] following me around the island.”
A DUCK-INDUCED MADNESS
“The ducks are driving me mad,” the famously not mad Butch writes that very same day. “I can’t get rid of them.”
DUCK WHO?
A month later, Butch makes a bird-based pivot. “One of my pleasures each morning feeding the seagulls,” he gushes. “I have fallen in love with them. I love the way they fly and they love me feeding.”
GULL MEETS BOY
Driving the butcher’s knife further into the duck community, Butch continues to explore his love and adoration for the humble gull. “I love feeding them as they are my mates #loveseagulls #sharingthelove”
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY
By June 2021, ducks are but a distant memory. Next to this fetching vignette of cornflakes, apple and an extremely unripe avocado, Butch announces that he is off to feed his “extended family”, the seagulls, followed by the hashtags #bekindtoeachother and #ringafriendandsayhi. Unclear if the friends he is encouraging you to ring are human or bird.
SPEAKING OF RINGING A FRIEND AND SAYING HI
The phone is an ornament, seagulls don’t own mobiles, and we wait with bated breath to see what Butch does online next.