After stringent testing we’ve arrived at a list that is in some ways predictable, and in others deeply unsettling. 

Ranking peanut butters is like ranking your children: you can do it, but people will get angry at you. It’s uncommon to meet someone with a near militaristic allegiance to marmalade. Less so to find a self-described Pic’s person or Fix & Fogg person; a crunchy woman or a smooth man.

Placing one peanut spread above another was always going to be fraught. Nevertheless, eight of our in-house judges have charged bravely forth into the food-testing breach to find the best nutty paste to smear across warm bread before facing another 16 gruelling hours awake.

Why crunchy? Mostly due to logistical reasons. It’s difficult and potentially a health and safety violation to make your co-workers eat 30 different peanut butters in one hour. Smooth deserves its own ranking, and we’re committed to publishing one if we survive the fallout from this story.

But crunchy also seems to inspire the most passion. Most of our judges were crunchy lovers. One Spinoff editor, who shall remain nameless (Alice Neville) was visibly disgusted at the thought of a smooth preference, which she regarded as evidence of a stunted, babylike palate. Some were bitextural. “I was smooth until I went through puberty. Now crunchy!” said veteran ranker Emma Gleason. “I am the Winston Peters of peanut butter. I’ll go either way,” said Veronica Schmidt. I self-identify as a crunchy person but mostly eat smooth. Together our team tasted 11 varieties of crunchy spread on bread to decide the best and the worst of the genre.

We did so via blind taste test. Every brand was assigned a colour code and spread on plain white bread. Judges were urged to consider taste, first and foremost, alongside factors such as crunch, texture, mouthfeel and physical, spiritual and emotional vibe.

There are some notable omissions. Eta crunchy peanut butter isn’t on the list. The former stalwart of our collective pantry is no longer available from the beloved food duopoly that keeps an iron grip on our daily sustenance. Sanitarium, another former favourite, has also been euthanised by its Seventh Day Adventist makers at the command of either Jesus or commerce.

Joining them in omission are the boutique brands you can only get from the internet or specialty stores in Grey Lynn. Though they may well be delicious, buying them would likely bankrupt The Spinoff. Instead this ranking includes only the jars you can pick up at mainstream supermarkets, starting with one that brought our judges together in a loud, unanimous eruption of displeasure.

11) Ceres Organics Crunchy Peanut Butter

3/10

$7.19 for 300g from Woolworths ($2.40 per 100g)

Ceres Organics’ attempt at a crunchy peanut butter seemed to offend every stomach it entered. Some judges just shook their bellies in disappointment. “Leaves me wanting,” wrote Calum Henderson. Others wanted nothing short of jail. “A crime against peanut butter!!” said Emma. 

The causes for disdain were many and varied. But everyone was united on one thing: Ceres crunchy doesn’t have enough crunch. “Where even are the peanuts!?” asked Tina Tiller. 

A crunchless crunchy is unforgivable. But a flavourless one isn’t great either. “This tastes like a health product,” said Veronica. Perhaps it was the goodness that torpedoed the spread. Though it has relatively standard sugar and sodium quotients (4.7g and 213mg per 100g respectively), Ceres markets itself as an ethical, sustainable brand, putting an emphasis on the fact it’s just peanuts and sea salt mixed together. 

Alas, it seems peanuts and sea salt aren’t the only vital ingredients in peanut butter. You need at least a sliver of evil as well.

10) Nut Brothers Super Crunch Peanut Butter

5/10

$8.49 for 500g from Woolworths  ($1.30 per 100g)

The name Nut Brothers set off loud objections in The Spinoff office, with an assortment of writers, editors and even podcasters remonstrating against the idea of a family unit devoted to the nut. None of that mattered for our blind tasting, where each spread was judged on flavour and texture alone. 

Unfortunately that assessment also found flaws with Nut Brothers. Veronica and Jin Fellet issued near-identical verdicts. “Oh no. Too dry. Needs more oil,” said the former. “A little dry, not enough oil,” said the latter. “Very dry… maybe Hayden didn’t mix,” echoed Calum. For the record, I did mix and will be taking him to court for defamation. Sometimes mixing isn’t enough.

9) Pams Crunchy Peanut Butter

5.25/10

$1.99 for 375g from Pak’nSave ($0.53 per 100g)

Standard Pams is the cheapest spread on this list. Unfortunately it’s also one of the most mediocre. “Wouldn’t kick this out of bed but wouldn’t call it again either,” said Emma, in what will go down as both an off-putting piece of personification and an accurate summation of the general sentiment.

Many of our judges accurately identified Pams as a bargain option. For some, that was a good thing. “Paste-like consistency, salty as, I love it,” said Calum. For others, not so much. “Quite grey,” said Jin. “I don’t think this is a quality 100% peanut one.”

8) Pams Finest Crunchy Peanut Butter

5.5/10 

$5.39 for 380g from Pak’nSave ($1.42 per 100g)

The finest Pams is barely better than the cheapest and coarsest, with the brand’s attempt at artisan spread failing to fire with a slim majority of judges. “This is probably good for me,” said Veronica, in her 5/10 review. Wrong. Pams Finest has one of the highest sugar quotients on offer, at 8.6g per 100g serving. Being unhealthy is one thing, but you should at least have the decency to taste like it.

7) Forty Thieves Crunchy Peanut Butter

5.6/10

$7.49 for 375g from Woolworths ($1.57 per 100g)

A disappointing result for one of our more artisan local brands. Like Ceres, Forty Thieves markets itself as a sustainable product with a focus on real ingredients. Unfortunately, several of our judges also felt it shared Ceres’ aversion to taste. “Lacks flavour and depth,” said Jin. “Lacks a certain je ne sais quoi,” said Calum. “High on chunk factor, low on flavour,” said Emma.

The brand did have its fans though. Veronica agreed it was “a bit insipid” at first, but thought it revealed new depths of “complex” taste over time. This could be a spread for those who enjoy a bit of subtlety and nuance rather than just a big didactic flavour hit upfront. Will that endear it to The Spinoff’s readership? That’s for you to decide. I’m just here to give both sides of the story.

6) Essentials Crunchy Peanut Butter

6/10

$2.39 for 375g from Woolworths ($0.64 per 100g)

You know who loved Essentials? Robbie Nicol. Our in-house explainer was transported back in time by the taste of a dirt-cheap basic brand smeared across white bread. “This is nostalgic,” he enthused in a 9/10 review. “I could tell from looking at it that it was cheap, and cheap peanut butter is well-seasoned peanut butter. This is what you make a children’s PB & J out of.” 

Essentials isn’t a high-quality, boutique peanut butter. Again, some found that endearing. “It’s dirty and I mean that in a good way,” said Veronica. But, as with Pams, the approach wasn’t for everyone. “Too pale, lacking in flavour,” said Alice. “Tastes budget, probably is,” said Emma. Correct.

5) Mother Earth Natural Crunchy Peanut Butter

6.6/10

$6.50 for 380g from Woolworths ($1.71 per 100g )

The midsection of this ranking is also the mid section. No one hated Mother Earth. No one loved it. Four of our judges ranked it 6/10. Its top score was an eight. Its lowest was a five. This is a perfectly reliable offering. It won’t set your morning alight but it’s not going to ruin it either.

4) Skippy Super Chunk Peanut Butter

6.75/10

$5.30 for 462g from Woolworths ($1.15 per 100g)

By far the most divisive of all the peanut butters we tasted; verdicts on Skippy ranged from ecstasy to visceral disgust. Multiple judges, including me, had it as their favourite spread. No one was as enthusiastic as Emma. “Visible husks, very artisanal. WOW FLAVOUR. So peeertty! So tasty! The kind of PB that makes you feel like a morally superior asshole,” she wrote in a 10/10 review of a bargain spread with the highest sugar and second-highest sodium content of any brand we reviewed (9.4g and 391mg per 100g respectively).

She would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for Tina. Our designer leaped from the top rope with a stunning rebuke of Skippy and everything it stands for. “No thank you,” she wrote in the test’s only 1/10 review. “It’s off or at least tastes off. Not the peanut butter taste I’m used to.”

It’s still our value-for-money champ. But without her delivering a people’s elbow directly to Skippy’s chin, I’d be sitting here trying to convince you New Zealand’s best peanut butter is made by an American multinational. Even just calculating the median rather than mean score would have skyrocketed Skippy to the top of peanut mountain, where it would sit in a three-way tie with Fix & Fogg and…

3) Bega Crunchy Peanut Butter

6.9/10

$5.19 for 375g from Woolworths ($1.38 per 100g)

At risk of delivering a scintillating history lesson, Bega is what happens when you cross a beloved spread with a series of business lawsuits. The peanut butter formerly known as Kraft underwent a transformation in 2018 when some corporate splits and sales left its original recipe in the hands of Bega, an Australian brand run for many years by a paedophile.

Bega proceeded to sell the peanut butter in jars that looked exactly like Kraft’s used to, which annoyed Kraft enough that it sued for “blatant violation of Kraft’s intellectual property rights”. 

It lost and Kraft remains Bega. Even infused with the taste of legal acrimony, it’s still delicious, in no small part due to its top-tier sodium content (539mg). None of our reviewers hated this spread. Its lowest score was a 5. Its highest, a nine, once again thanks to Emma. It may have undergone a name change. Its peanut and salt-addled bear mascot may be gone. But Bega (nee Kraft) retains the magic it did 100 years ago when it began life on our shelves.

1=) Fix & Fogg Crunchy Peanut Butter

7.1/10

$7.49 for 375g from Woolworths ($2.00 per 100g)

Fix & Fogg has its diehard fans. Chief among them is The Post’s new political editor Henry Cooke, who spent his entire London OE yearning desperately for a fix of the Fogg, only to have it finally make its UK debut shortly after he returned home.

Our judges weren’t quite as smitten. Calum judged it “solid without sending me into ecstasies”. But all of them were impressed. “Gorgeous flavour, golden colour, visible nuts,” wrote Emma. “Yumbos,” said Tina. Everyone gave Fix & Fogg a positive score; something that can’t be said of all these brands, including its stablemate at number one.

1=) Pic’s Crunchy Peanut Butter

7.1/10

$7.49 for 380g from Woolworths ($1.97 per 100g)

It’s time to separate out the true artisans from the pretenders. There’s a reason Pic’s now occupies roughly a quarter of the peanut butter shelf space at any given supermarket. The Nelson-based company produces an almost unimpeachable spread, with its finely balanced salt and crunch quotas racking up an assortment of eights and nines from our judges. “A connoisseur’s choice,” said Calum. Only Tina gave it a four, complaining about its tendency to coat your mouth like paint.

Though it ended up with the exact same average score as Fix & Fogg, Pic’s might win on the peanut equivalent of a boundary countback. It has the lowest sugar content of any of the brands we assessed (190mg) and its jars are a full five grams weightier than Fix & Fogg’s. That adds up over time. In peanut butter, as in cricket or indeed life, the thinnest margins can make all the difference.