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MediaApril 10, 2017

The 5 best non-obvious things John Clarke ever did

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So there he goes, a titan of New Zealand comedy has left us. Has any other satirist caught the ridiculousness of New Zealand life better than John Clarke? He’s famous for Fred Dagg and We Don’t Know How Lucky We Are of course, but here are some lesser know classics.


See also: Tributes to John Clarke from Michele A’Court, Oscar Kightley, Guy Williams, Melanie Bracewell, Giovanni Tiso, Bill Manhire and more


5. New Zealand, a User’s Guide

Written for his website in 2014 this short essay contains truths in nearly every crevice. “During the early 1980s however, the New Zealand economy was put in the hands of finance ministers due to a filing error, and authorities are still looking for the black box.”

For someone who hadn’t lived in the country of his birth for decades, Clarke still had a handle on what we were up to. And he wrote perhaps the most accurate thing ever written about Aotearoa: “The country works a lot better during the weekends than it does during the week …”

4. Announcement of the All Blacks

Clarke understood that New Zealand life was a crucible in which burnt both the sparks of Rugby and The Arts. Clarke brilliantly highlighted the two sides of this bung old coin of a country in his 1995 announcement of a World Cup All Blacks side comprised of artistic practitioners: “Props: K Hulme, West Coast; M Mahy, Canterbury. Hooker: J P Frame, Horowhenua.”

The sketch burbled to prominence again in 2012 after Toby Manhire noted the introduction in a leaflet for the New Zealand Literary Heritage Trail written by the then prime minister, John Key. In his endorsement Key made a strange back swipe indicating that our “… literary heroes may never challenge the glory and respect given to our All Blacks …” A sentiment clearly written by someone who’d never heard of Clarke’s Arts-based squad.

3. The Things She Did

Published as an essay for Overland, Clarke’s eulogy for his mother is beautiful and touching.

2. The 95bFM John Clarke Sting

Many years ago when I was working for the Auckland student radio station 95bFM one of our hosts was interviewing the great man himself. I can’t remember why or what the interview was about, but it no doubt involved something about the death of NZ satire, which was a line of questioning the country’s media inflicted upon Clarke again and again.

After the interview we kept him on the line to record a sting for the station, which was very nice thing for him to do. It started off fine: “You’re listening to The Wire on 95bFM”, but immediately it devolved into something else. “I don’t know why I’m doing this, it’s all pointless, isn’t it?” That final statement delivered with the air of a man dragged over the coals of a miserable life.

I was so happy.

1. Parliamentary Broadcast

This is basically Clarke trying his hand at abstract ambient soundscapes via the recreation of a session of Parliament. It’s remarkably effective, the only fault being it perhaps underplays the real life cacophony.

Keep going!
Big Fresh Moorhouse Ave, Christchurch. Photo: TVNZ archive
Big Fresh Moorhouse Ave, Christchurch. Photo: TVNZ archive

MediaApril 9, 2017

The best of The Spinoff this week: Big Fresh, Paleo Pete and an instant classic by Steve Braunias

Big Fresh Moorhouse Ave, Christchurch. Photo: TVNZ archive
Big Fresh Moorhouse Ave, Christchurch. Photo: TVNZ archive

Compiling the best reading from your friendly local website.

Kristin Hall: Remembering Big Fresh, New Zealand’s greatest supermarket of all time

“This one time at Big Fresh, I was going up to press the moo cow button and some other little c*** pressed it right before I got there. I lost the fucking plot and had a full on meltdown.”

Che Feijoa. Photo illustration by José Barbosa

Greg Pritchard: In praise of the feijoa, New Zealand’s most socialist fruit

“Every April though we’re reminded that New Zealand can be a place where, like any good little socialist, the average Kiwi thinks of his (or her) fellow man (or woman) and shares excess production without giving a thought to material reward. The reminder comes in the form of the humble feijoa, New Zealand’s most socialist fruit.”

Siouxsie Wiles: Sorry Paleo Pete, but I’ll take medical qualifications over your ‘common sense’ any day 

“‘What do you need a qualification for to talk common sense?’ That was the response of Australian celebrity chef Pete ‘Paleo’ Evans during a recent TV interview about the health advice he gives out. The common sense he’s referring to in this instance is his belief that we should all be abandoning our modern agricultural diets because they are out of sync with our biology and making us chronically ill.”

Simon Wilson: The most expensive road in New Zealand history is coming to Auckland. Why?

“The Auckland Chamber of Commerce wants the EWL built. CEO Michael Barnett says traffic congestion in the area costs freight operators millions of dollars a year. National Road Carriers, representing the freight companies, agrees. ‘Based on an average 10-minute delay per trip,’ says CEO David Aitken, ‘congestion is costing freight operators a conservative $50 million a year.’

Hmm. Already looked at that ’10-minute delay’. But even if his $50 million a year was right, the EWL would take 37 years to make economic sense. Is that a good business case?”

Emily Writes: Midwives in their own words: ‘We are only human’

“Why are midwives leaving their profession? Who would stay given the conditions they work under? In their own words – here’s what our midwives say.”

The Spinoff: An amazing two hours of Gareth Morgan raging at people on Twitter about tourist poo

Gareth Morgan was not happy about Paula Bennet dismissing a tourist tax. He tweeted his displeasure.

And then some people responded and he, well, he engaged with them. Forget about what they said, just read his, well, engagements, all 42 of them, unexpurgated, across two hours from 7pm last night.

Duncan Greive: On Monday Jesse Mulligan showed the Project NZ its future

“It launched with a bang and a Bax and a song and a dance in February, but in recent weeks it’s been a little too easy to forget The Project NZ was on. Not because it’s not good – it almost always is, when you watch it. The problem is more one that all new shows face after the frenzy of launch has subsided nowadays – how to command and sustain attention in an era when a thousand different media outlets and platforms are screaming 24 and 7.

On Monday night, we saw something which suggests the show might have found a way out.”

Steve Braunias: A West Coast memoir

“I was only passing through the West Coast, lived in Greymouth for not much more than a year, packed a picnic lunch and a copy of the newly published the bone people when I tended a few dope plants most summer weekends in the beech tree forest above town, drank at the Golden Eagle, met girls, reported on crime, joined the film society, looked at the caryards on dead Sunday afternoons with my coalminer flatmate, gave the secret knock on the locked door of the Railway Hotel pub to get in on Sunday nights, entertained thoughts of living there forever and ever – there was a magic night going to see three punk bands playing at Lake Brunner beneath a full moon, a girl said come back to my place, I said where d’you live, she said next to the graveyard in Cobden.”


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