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Help Me Hera: Nobody is ever good enough for me

Contributing writer

I don’t want my neuroses about someone being ‘good enough’ to keep me from finding love. But choosing to be with someone who isn’t quite right seems like a death sentence.

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

I’m a straight single woman in my late 20s who is dating in a medium-sized European city. The only thing is that I can’t shake the awful feeling that no-one is ever good enough for me. I’ve followed advice to list what I want in a partner, which runs the gamut of “intelligent” to “has a decent job” to “if balding looks OK in a hat,” but it feels like I can never find someone who fulfils all of these briefs in some capacity. If he’s intelligent, it’ll eventually be revealed that he’s mired in debt; if he’s creative, he’ll also have a taste for synthetic drugs; if he’s got a good job, the main hobby he’ll have is posting on Reddit.

I feel ashamed about the feeling that no one can quite measure up to what I want: after all, I have friends who are in loving, long-term relationships with people who would fail my criteria. I’ve also passed on men who I know really liked me, but I felt like they weren’t as ambitious as me or their lifestyles didn’t complement mine. Equally, I’ve dated shiftless men for periods, because I felt that my cohort of artsy liberals would judge me for turning down someone who might just have been fucked by the capitalist system, man!

As a result, I’ve been very much single for most of my adult life. Sometimes I wish I had a parent or guardian to help me sift through my Hinge matches to tell me if potential suitors are good enough for their little girl.

The world is so disorientating at the moment, and my anxieties aren’t helped by a strong sense that it could all burn down next week. I don’t want my neuroses about someone being “good enough” to keep me from finding love. But choosing to be with someone who isn’t quite right seems like a death sentence.

Should I throw my list in the bin and give up on my standards?

Yours sincerely,

Picky & perturbed

Dear Picky,

The problem with picking out a partner as if you’re choosing a piece of Scandinavian furniture for a difficult corner is that you can spend so much time focusing on your wish list that you neglect the most important criteria, which is first and foremost, a deep and genuine connection to another person.

The thing I noticed most about your letter was the complete lack of emotion. There’s no sense that you’ve ever fallen catastrophically in love. Maybe you’ve never experienced that type of chemistry. Maybe you have, and it all went horribly wrong, and now you’re trying to be a little more discerning. But it does feel to me like you’re going about things in the wrong order.

Nobody likes being spoken about like an inferior brand of wheelbarrow. And yet the way we date seems to increasingly pander to a home shopping network mindset. I’m not saying the traditional method of choosing the most attractive person in your populationally stunted backwater is necessarily a better system. But I do think we’re so overwhelmed with choice that it’s easy to forget what makes romance romantic.

I’m not saying you should lower your standards because it’s the enlightened or ethical thing to do. It’s genuinely nobody else’s business who you choose to date, and what yardstick you choose to measure them by. Fairness has nothing to do with it. But I do think that your stringent criteria could be preventing you from experiencing one of the best feelings life has to offer.

‘Become a member to help us deliver news and features that matter most to Aotearoa.’

Lyric Waiwiri-Smith
— Politics reporter

Perfect people don’t exist, and even if they did, it would be hideous to be in a relationship with one, because to be able to love someone despite their flaws and have them offer you the same grace is a lot more powerful and transformative than trying to find a perfect, lab grown specimen.

It’s also worth pointing out that people change, and that it’s possible for two people to uplift and transform one another. I’m not suggesting taking on someone as a “fixer-upper.” But things like jobs and debt and hobbies are not permanent states of being. Healthy people get sick. Financially secure people lose their jobs. Everything in life is subject to change, for better and worse, so it makes sense to find someone you’re willing to meet those changes with.

I don’t think it’s wrong to have a few dealbreakers. But you should save them for the things that really matter to you. Settling doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Sometimes, it means compromising on a few things you thought mattered and getting a whole lot of other extra stuff you didn’t even know you wanted or needed in return.

It seems to me that all your objections are proof of the fact that you haven’t felt strongly enough about someone to override your initial reservations, and that’s the main issue here, rather than an inherent pickiness. If you can find someone who brings you joy, that’s 75% of the battle. When you meet someone you’re crazy about, the minor stuff that would ordinarily have given you the “ick” is not only irrelevant, but can actually become paradoxically attractive.

So how do you find someone who gives you that feeling? There is no easy way. But in your case, I wonder if it means starting from a place of curiosity and trying to be more alert to how people make you feel rather than what they bring to the table. It means trusting your heart and gut as well as your intellect. It means trying to date for the spark. With the right person, you can eat a rotisserie chicken beside a dumpster and feel at peace, whereas the wrong person will make a five-course degustation menu feel like a living nightmare.

I’m not saying it’s easy. But I think you’re so worried about making bad decisions that you’ve stopped paying attention to how you feel, which is surely the whole point.

It’s entirely possible that nobody will ever be good enough for you. On the other hand, nobody is really good enough for anyone, and we should all be grateful for that. Over time, you begin to understand what a privilege it is to be invited into someone’s life, to witness them at their best and worst.

If you find yourself struggling to make that connection, don’t force it. It’s a thousand times better to be happy and single than to shoehorn yourself into a miserable relationship and eat corned beef in silence until you die.

But if you want the real thing, I suggest setting aside your checklist and paying closer attention to your instincts. You might not get exactly what you thought you wanted, but sometimes, getting exactly what you want isn’t all that satisfying or interesting. Hopefully, you find something deeper and more profound along the way.

Keep going!

Wellington’s transport service is set to overhaul its staff training following complaints from the disabled community.

SocietyApril 3, 2025

Disabled passengers allege ‘continued pattern’ of mistreatment by Metlink staff

Lyric Waiwiri-Smith

Politics reporter

Wellington’s transport service is set to overhaul its staff training following complaints from the disabled community.

From ‘general rudeness and condescension’ to leaving a sexual harassment victim stranded and another wheelchair user concussed, a litany of complaints has led to Wellington’s public transport provider promising to revamp its staff training.

Metlink has pledged to revamp its staff accessibility awareness training following numerous complaints from disabled passengers, including an allegation that a concussion was caused by improper wheelchair handling. A student disability advocate who had collated a collection of accessibility-related complaints said they were hearing new concerns about Metlink staff’s mistreatment of disabled commuters every week.

The Victoria University of Wellington Disabled Students Association (VUWDSA), which includes around 70 student members, sent a formal complaint to Metlink on March 28 including numerous alleged incidents. The complaint, seen by The Spinoff, details concerns wheelchair users were being moved without consent, refusal to lower wheelchair ramps for passenger use, and “general rudeness and condescension” from Metlink staff towards disabled students.

In one complaint, a student alleged they had been sexually harassed by a fellow passenger on a bus. When the student attempted to exit the bus, the passenger took hold of their wheelchair and told the driver the two were travelling together. Despite the student reiterating they were not travelling together and asking for the driver to lower the wheelchair ramp, the driver refused, and the student was left stranded.

A separate incident on the 22 bus in mid-March allegedly saw a student receive a concussion after their wheelchair was “manhandled” by a driver without their consent. Despite objections from the student, the driver pushed the wheelchair backwards down the bus ramp with the weight of the wheelchair unevenly distributed, causing the student to fall backwards and hit their head on a concrete curb.

Issues with the 22 bus from Johnsonville to Wellington central, which includes a stop at Victoria University, were the most commonly cited in VUWDSA’s letter. “I’ve had multiple instances of train staff and bus drivers not putting down the ramp for me to get off. This is dangerous,” another commuter wrote. “I’ve made complaints on several occasions highlighting the issues above but have noticed no change.”

A zoomed in photo of a wheelchair user's wheel, and sketching for emphasis — Attitudes of Metlink staff towards disabled passengers are often rude and condescending, complainants say.

A different complaint criticised a 22 bus driver for failing to properly align their wheelchair ramp with a curb, meaning a wheelchair user had struggled to create enough momentum to use the ramp and eventually had their chair lifted onto the bus by another passenger. “This was embarrassing and an undignified experience,” they wrote. “There should be protocols and systems in place to still support disabled passengers to get on the bus in a safe and dignified matter.”

In a statement, group manager Samantha Gain told The Spinoff that Metlink was currently in the process of selecting a specialist provider to deliver a new accessibility awareness training programme. Metlink said the provider would be selected by a panel comprising mostly disabled members.

“Our vision is for a public transport network that is ‘accessible for all with ease and dignity’, and we recognise that these passengers have not had this experience,” Gain said.

“Metlink treats complaints such as this very seriously. We are aware that some of our passengers with disabilities have reported negative experiences, and we respond to each person individually.”

In August 2023, Metlink published its latest accessibility action plan, informed by discussions with more than 40 members of the disabled community, with goals such as station accessibility improvements and increased in-person support. Metlink said the VUWDSA had been invited to be a part of the advisory group that oversaw the action plan in 2023, and would still welcome their recommendations.

Hope Cotton, head of the VUWDSA, told The Spinoff her association had been planning to pen a formal complaint to Metlink for months, but each week they had sat down to write it, more students would come forward with concerns.

a sunny day and the engrance to the piptea campus (rutherford house) at Victoria University of Wellington — Victoria University of Wellington (Photo: Supplied)

She agreed that the best approach for Metlink to address concerns from the disabled community would be to implement further staff training, with disabled people at the forefront of this. “In general, the main things we want to see are that we’re let onto the buses and that they don’t drive past, they’re lowering the ramp, lowering the level of the bus, and not taking off until wheelchairs are parked or cane users are seated,” Cotton said. “It’s just listening to wheelchair users and disabled people when they say what they want, and not assuming that they know best.”

Cotton said that while she understands some commuters are well-intentioned in trying to help those in wheelchairs on public transport, wheelchair users are already well aware of how to take care of themselves. “A wheelchair is an extension of a wheelchair user’s body,” Cotton said. “Regardless of whether or not you think it’s helpful, if you see someone struggling, are you going to physically lift them up and throw them off the bus if they’re a person who doesn’t use a wheelchair?

“A lot of the frustration from wheelchair users has been that they know their own bodies and wheelchairs, and they know how to move in a way that is safe and accessible to them … when they’re manhandled, it is undignifying and unsafe.”

Earlier last month, the UK government’s transport select committee released a report describing a “substantial gap” between the rights of the disabled community and their experience on public transport. The survey found that 67% of disabled respondents encountered problems with public transport “always” or “most of the time”, while only 1.7% said they had never experienced problems with public transport.

MP Ruth Cadbury, who heads the committee, said the lack of accessibility for disabled passengers on public transport in the UK was a “national embarrassment”.