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The Spinoff reviews New Zealand #13: Alpine Tasty Cheese

We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today: Some people are upset about free-range eggs. Toby Manhire is upset about ‘tasty’ cheese.

In the dizzying light of the Countdown cold goods aisle, it is easy to make mistakes. Mistakes such as picking up a block of Alpine Tasty Cheese, putting it in your trolley or basket, honestly it isn’t important which, and proceeding to the counter.

Whether you’ve been seduced by the hefty discount, or mistaken the packaging for Mainland, you’re probably going to regret it.

“A stronger, full flavoured cheddar cheese,” reads the label. It might be stronger and fuller flavoured than Alpine mild cheddar, I don’t know, I daren’t try it. What I do know is that it is less tasty than Mainland mild cheese. It is piss weak. It is a preposterous cheese.

“It’s right up there,” reads the label, which is quite funny. Right up there in the top 20 “tasty” cheeses available in your local supermarket, I’ll give you that, maybe, “Alpine”.

If you fell from a building on to a passing truck piled high with Alpine Tasty Cheese you would probably survive. Real Tasty cheese would kill you instantly.

Alpine Tasty Cheese is wobbly. Alpine Tasty cheese makes tomatoes burst into tears. Alpine Tasty Cheese may yet prove a useful material in seismic stabilising for scyscrapers. It would make a good floor for gymnastics.

Alpine Tasty Cheese is a cheese scandal. And don’t fucking get me started on “creamy feta”. / Toby Manhire

Good or bad? Bad.

Verdict: Really bad cheese.

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