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ParentsMarch 6, 2018

The least fun parenting game there is: Guess that rash!

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It’s almost a rite of passage when you’re parenting small ones – what caused the violent rash spreading over your child’s hands and face? Donnelle Belanger-Taylor was surprised to find the source of her child’s week-long rash might be in your backyard. 

Send your kids outside, they said. It’ll be good for them, they said. Get them out doing those old-fashioned, hands-on things, and they’ll be better for it. So when our fibre install required the neighbour’s tree to be cut back, we did so (with permission), and then helped our eight-year-old twins, Finn and Genevieve, to build a hut with the branches.

It started with a scratch. A simple red line on Finn’s chest, the sort of thing you expect on a kid who climbs trees and makes huts. He had a few red spots on his arms, too. We thought they were probably insect bites, which he does mildly react to. My Facebook post on Monday afternoon reads “Who’s up for a round of everyone’s favourite parenting game, ‘Guess that Rash’?”

By the evening, the red had started to spread, and it looked inflamed. The red spots had been scratched raw. We gave him antihistamine and applied antiseptic cream.

On Tuesday morning, the line on his chest was surrounded by an angry red patch. His twin sister made him breakfast in bed, and surrounded him with soft toys as I organised a doctor’s appointment.

Finn after and before.

By 9am, his eye had started going puffy. The GP contemplated him for a while, before concluding that “it looks like lots of things going on.” Too sudden for scabies, and the balance between allergic reaction and infection was too unclear to risk a steroid cream. We went home with more antihistamine, and some antibiotics.

A few hours later, red spots were creeping up the side of his face. Friends in the US swore it was poison ivy, but we don’t have poison ivy in New Zealand.

On Wednesday morning, I took him immediately back to our GP clinic, with a puffy face and rash spreading down his torso and arms. This second GP was also perplexed, and referred us on to Middlemore Hospital. I spent 30 minutes driving around the carpark in vain, while more and more cars joined the circling hordes, before parking a kilometre away and piggy-backing him in. Multiple doctors, including a paediatric specialist, threw around theories like penicillin reaction, a virus, bacterial infection, and so on. They distracted him with Minecraft while they stuck an IV in his hand to take blood samples, kept an eye on his breathing (which was fine), and sent us home 10 hours later with a stronger antihistamine, emollient cream…  and a puffier face.

They said it was most likely an allergic reaction, and to come back early on Friday for the dermatology rounds.

Genevieve fussed over him from the second we arrived home, telling him off every time he scratched. He was frantic with itching, so we gave him a Pinetarsol bath as the doctors had suggested. I listened as they debriefed each other.

Genevieve: So what was hospital like?
Finn: Lots of nurses…. TVs!
Genevieve: When daddy said you were at hospital, I nearly cried because I missed you so much.
Finn: I missed you so much too. That’s why I didn’t want to go to hospital.
Genevieve: You look so cute with your chubby cheeks.
Finn: I look terrible.
Genevieve: No, you look cute! Like a chipmunk!
Finn: I hate chipmunks.

It was adorable.

On Thursday, his face was puffier still. When he vomited, I called Healthline to check if that was a possible side-effect of the new antihistamine. The nurse sounded concerned as she said that it was an anti-emetic, and after assessing his general condition, sent us back to Middlemore. Stuck at the ramp lights as he vomited, I pulled over for a quick clean-up. My phone rang. His twin sister had been sick at school.

I’ve never been so glad to hear that we had a tummy bug going through the family. His general condition was still concerning, so once he was cleaned up, we went on to Middlemore. Another round of multiple doctors expressed confusion at what was going on, despite his repeated insistence that the problem was that he was turning into a chipmunk, but we got him rehydrated before they sent us home again in the afternoon.

By bedtime, his face was significantly puffier than when we were discharged, especially around his jaw line. His breathing was not affected at all, so after a lengthy phone consultation with a friend who is a paediatrician, we decided to monitor him overnight. Finn got the couch; I got a mattress on the floor, and I lay and listened to him breathe.

Finn

On Friday morning, the puffiness had finally started to recede – but the redness was spreading across his stomach and down his legs. I chronicled the progress on Facebook, and received a message from an online friend.

“Does he climb trees a lot? When I was his age I had a reaction like that. It was a rhys tree or something, and it’s only poisonous at certain times of the year.”

I googled, and discovered that the tree branches we’d so stupidly made his hut out of were from a rhus tree, Toxicodendron succedaneum, also known as sumac. It’s related to poison ivy and poison oak, and has the same allergen (urishiol). Susceptible people can have delayed reactions to it, and because urishiol is an oil, it sticks to the skin and needs to be removed with soap and a firm flannel. We’d probably been spreading it across wider areas every time we applied the emollient cream.

(In a further piece of joyous news, urishiol also sticks to fabric, and so we needed to wash all the bedding he’d used. After so many unsettled nights, that included his bed, our bed, the couch, and the mattress on the floor. Saturday was busy.)

At last we had an answer. Since we were confident now that it was an allergic reaction, not an infection, it would be OK to use a steroid cream. I took him back to the GP clinic, where we had a new doctor.

She took one look at him. “Is that a rhus tree reaction?”

Where was she four days ago?! We went home with hydrocortisone and hope. I offered him a celebratory ice cream.

“No. I’m not in the mood.”

“Oh dear. What would you like to do?”

“Go to Antarctica, find an active volcano, and jump in.”

Oh dear.

Since rhus tree had been such an unpleasant surprise for us, I posted in a local Facebook group. Multiple people exclaimed that their kids had had a reaction to something in the past, and they recognised the tree. I suspect there will be a few trees coming down in the neighbourhood, but they’ll face the same issue as us with our hut branches: too poisonous to chip, too poisonous to burn, so what do you do? I’m waiting for advice from Auckland Council.

It’s now been over a week since he first started reacting. The earliest patches on chest and face are slightly pink, a little raised, and rough to the touch. We’re slathering him in emollient to combat the dryness. His thighs, arms and puku are still blotchy and red, but the itchiness has subsided, and we know that it’s just a matter of time before his skin clears up.

We’re fortunate that his allergen is relatively obscure and easy to avoid. I only wish we’d known there was a tree like this in New Zealand. At least now you know!

Donnelle Belanger-Taylor is a mum, a software developer, and a mediocre tuba player. She suffers from a near-terminal case of chronic volunteerism, and is an ardent supporter of adult learner musicians. 

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ParentsMarch 5, 2018

Emily Writes: Defending being defensive about co-sleeping

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Spinoff Parents editor Emily Writes writes about co-sleeping and her long journey to self-acceptance about her style of parenting.

The other day I said to my husband “I should really try to get the baby to sleep on his own tonight.” My husband smiled and gave me a hug. He knew that what I really meant was “Tell me it’s OK our baby is still in bed with us at night.”

There are lots of reasons why we co-sleep most nights. I went through a stage where I hid the fact that we were co-sleeping. I thought the measure of a mum who had her shit together was how well her children slept. I have never been a particularly confident mother, but as my children have grown I’ve started to see how our choices have worked really well for us as a family. This has helped me be a bit kinder to myself, to have more faith in my abilities.

Co-sleeping feels like one of those half choice half obligation things for us. If our child didn’t want to co-sleep, we wouldn’t co-sleep. So it’s not entirely a choice, but it is a choice in that we are now comfortable with it as the thing we do.

Recently, my husband said to a sort-of-friend: “Oh yeah, both of our kids are in our beds – usually I have one and Emily has the other”. I was shocked. “Don’t tell people!” I hissed. He was perplexed. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s the big deal?”

This approach made me stop and think about my defences for co-sleeping, and what impact being secretive has on the judgement orgy around sleep. Then it made me consider that maybe I need to just let go of being defensive altogether.

Yet the next day, as I was waiting for my coffee, I heard a woman in the coffee shop lecturing her poor (maybe?) daughter-in-law on “tough love” and how her child will never sleep on their own.

I was again, immediately defensive. I wanted to turn to her and say:

Yes, they have their own room. And yes, they have their own beds. But we trial and change approaches to see what works. It’s almost like we are people who don’t have all the answers and in fact don’t believe that parenting is a game that you win or lose. It’s almost like every child and every parent is different and we are working out what’s best for us all.

Yes, we have tried putting them in their own room and saying “stay in there”. Are we soft? Sure. But what’s the downside to being soft? Surely in this world we live in we need more gentle parenting that is focused on the needs of the whole family? Being hard isn’t what we are about. We don’t want to be tough and we just don’t believe that the downfall of humanity is due to our parenting decisions. Letting a child who had a nightmare (or wet the bed or just feels sick or can’t sleep) into your bed is a little act of kindness that we, their parents – those who know them best – are happy to do. It’s not for everyone, and it doesn’t always work for us. But of the list of choices of what to do we are most happy with the cuddles for everything approach.

We’re not lazy but in all honesty – who cares if we are? Why is The Path Of Least Resistance Parenting so frowned upon? Parenting isn’t meant to be an ordeal. Why not make it easier?

No, you don’t have to co-sleep. Honestly, it’s not possible to put into words how little I care about how other parents parent at night. Lack of sleep is a killer. You need to do what’s right for you. So you don’t want kids in your bed? Fine with me. It’s not my bed. I’d ask for the same courtesy though.

Yes, I have a happy marriage and yes, my husband is OK with our child sleeping with us. He’s also happy to sleep in the bunk sometimes, or the spare room, just like I do. And you know what BERYL we actually have a really happy marriage because I get to watch him willingly choose to do what works for our family as a whole on a nightly (and daily) basis. It teaches me to compromise too. We make decisions together because we are both parents and we respect each other.

And yes, we have sex. I was once asked this when I was visibly very pregnant. It was not an immaculate conception. This might sound shocking, but there are other places to have sex that aren’t a bed. I’m sorry you’re so limited in imagination. But also, is it weird that you want to know? I guess I’d be fixated if the only time I did the deed was with the lights out in the marital bed.

And no our children aren’t spoilt or out of control – we are a family that considers each other and tries to do what’s best. For us. Only. Not you, not your family, just us. And for us, this works with our way of being a family and it works for the kids and it might be a hassle some nights but ultimately this is a it’ll be fine in the end/you’re only little once kind of approach.

No they won’t be sleeping with us when they’re 18 but I’ve never understood how the same people who say that also say that their children don’t speak to them anymore and cherish every second of every minute of every hour of the day because soon you’ll be alone, so alone. So alone that you fashion a dog out of pantyhose and newspaper and drag it around your living room saying “Come pepper! Mama is here!”

Yes, you’re right – co-sleeping can really suck sometimes. Some days I do want to bitch about having a kid in my bed. But that doesn’t mean I’m miserable about it or that things will be different tonight or that I’m doing the wrong thing. It just means I had a bad night. And being able to complain about it isn’t an invitation for unsolicited advice. It’s not a time to say: “I’ve never had the kids in my bed and I never would I don’t know how you do it just put them in their own bed don’t you think it’s time for them to sleep on their own.” If you do that, people (me) will think you suck.

Do I think it’s time for a child to sleep on their own? Which child? What age? Here are some of the reasons why my children have returned to my bed for short periods:

  • going back to work and they missed me
  • growth spurt and they needed more milk
  • family member died and they were scared of death
  • threw up in bed then became concerned the bed was the reason why they spewed
  • dog died and they were scared of zombie dogs
  • “I miss you”
  • weekend away made them think I had disappeared forever
  • afraid of giant ninja turtle but did not want to move giant ninja turtle out of their bed
  • got confused on the way back from the bathroom
  • every sleep regression on the planet
  • brother was in bed so felt it was unfair they had to sleep alone
  • started school and was feeling scared

Frankly, some of these are crap reasons to wake your parents up at night. But some of these are things I want my kids to wake me up to talk about. And some of these things are hard to discuss at 3am when you just want to go the fuck to sleep.

So ultimately I’m OK with saying – come on in.

I sleep better with my husband in bed, and sometimes I even sleep better with one of the kids in bed. I have times when I wake up and reach over for comfort. It makes sense that my kids look for the same. And while they’re little, I’m happy to be able to answer that call.

I’ve heard it all and I don’t need any advice anymore. I won’t even humour people. Because I’m at the acceptance phase and it’s kind of radical. We just aren’t as bothered by a kid or kids in our bed (as long as it’s one of our kid or kids) as other people seem to be bothered by a kid or kids in our bed.

Is this what it feels like to be comfortable in your parenting? Is this growing up?

Maybe it’s just time; it just feels normal for us now. It feels like way less of a big deal than it did two years ago.

We have a solution so we don’t need a solution. This isn’t a problem for us, and if it’s a problem for others… that isn’t our problem.

Things might change tomorrow, next month, next year. But for now I’m happy accepting that I’m one of those people who likes to be close to the ones they love at night. And my kids are the same.

During the night, when my baby reaches for me, I think, this is just where I want you to be. And if that’s weird well, I’m weird. Because baby, you’re perfect. And one more snuggle is just what we all need.

More from The Spinoff Parents on babies and sleeping

Emily Writes: Putting to bed bad advice about infant and toddler sleep

Dr Jess Berentson-Shaw: The science and art of baby sleep in the first six months

Emily Writes’ top tips for getting your baby to sleep

Emily Writes: Is the advice on co-sleeping actually realistic?

Emily Writes: How to survive severe sleep deprivation – by someone who is living it

Angela Cuming: What being a Twin Mum has taught me about child sleep

Emily Writes: When you’re tired enough – on the hell of having a child who just won’t sleep

Emily Writes is editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Follow her on Facebook here.

Follow the Spinoff Parents on Facebook and Twitter.


This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $320 on average, which pays for a cheeky bottle of wine in the trolley almost every shop. Please support us by switching to them right now!