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ParentsDecember 22, 2017

To the exhausted mothers at Christmas, from Emily Writes

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At this time of year the inbox of our editor Emily Writes fills up with messages from despairing mothers who are struggling through the holiday period. They feel alone and overwhelmed and exhausted. This is her Christmas message for them.

To all of the mothers who are understandably overwhelmed by the immense and relentless pressure put on them at Christmas – I want to say this:

You’re not alone in feeling the way that you do. I promise.

When you have a night of up and down and up and down and up and down and there are cluster feeds and babies crying and your head is pounding and then you need to be up at the crack of dawn on the 25th full of Christmas joy and spirit and enthusiasm…

We see you.

There are so many tired mothers rubbing their eyes, staring at the coffee pot, popping a Panadol to ease a sleep deprivation headache hiding in a stiff neck and heavy shoulders – and these mothers? They’re just like you.

They’re taking a deep breath and diving in and they’re going to watch the kids tear apart presents lovingly wrapped over weeks. They’re going to feel everything, all of it. They’re with you.

They love their kids just like you do. Feel lucky for this time just as it drags at their exhausted bodies.

It’s hard. It’s hard and that’s OK. You don’t need to hide how hard it feels when your body is aching for sleep. When your breasts are sore or you’re all touched out. When you want to snap at unsolicited advice from people you only see one day a year.

You’ll likely be given all sorts of advice on how to deal with this but the fact is for many mothers it just is what it is at this time of year – maybe next year will be different, maybe it won’t. Whatever is going on, you’re not alone.

It’s hard when you feel resentment at having to travel to see family when they should come to you – that’s fair you know. Sleeping in someone else’s bed or on a couch with a baby, it sucks. You’re allowed to feel annoyed. Having to cross cities to cater to family who insist on seeing you when your baby cries every time they’re in the car seat and it’s 30 degrees and you are just so tired – it sucks. Saying this doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you human.

When your children are tired and exhausted and they’re watched like hawks for tantrums by relatives who have little to do with them at any other time of the year – it is grim. It’s hard having to be the one to tell some aunty or uncle or long-lost cousin to leave your kid alone. To be that person.

Sometimes for some mums, some Christmases are just shit.

We know what it’s like and nobody will tell you to just be grateful here. Nobody here is going to minimise your feelings. We know you’ll get enough of that… and we’ve been there. We are here to say us too or to tell you that it used to be like that but it gets better. Pinky swear.

Because we know that it’s how intensely grateful you are that gets you through the longest nights of the holidays which are rarely a holiday for mums. When you have the same exhausted mornings but this time you have to get up and cook and be dressed before 9am so you’re ready to feed and entertain and clean up after an endless parade of visitors. Or to drive for hours to make sure everyone gets their time, while you get no time.

We know it’s the love of your children that carries you through a day when there is screaming and tantrums and it’s not the way you thought it would be.

Nobody here will tell you that the baby is hungry just because they’re crying. We know you just fed them. You won’t hear from us that the baby needs solids or sleep or to be put down or picked up.

In this space you’re trusted. You know your baby.

Here we just say, look at what you made! Look at how happy your baby is! Look at your love and dedication and look at how hard you try. How lucky your baby is to have you as their mama.

On Christmas Day we see you when sometimes it feels like you’re not seen. When you’re in the kitchen sweating by the hot stove, when you’re calming babies, feeding, separating grumpy, fighting children – you’re seen by us.

When you realise you don’t have presents under the tree after carefully picking presents for your entire extended family, see us – we would give you the gift of sleep, the gift of alone time, the gift of knowing we see your efforts and applaud your patience and generosity and kindness.

When there isn’t gratitude for meals or gifts or time spent late at night writing cards and decorating and all of the emotional labour on top of the usual day to day – know there’s a village of mamas sending out a signal to you that you’re seen.

For the exhausted mothers at Christmas I want you to know that you’re loved.

Don’t let anyone tell you how you have to feel. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not enough.

Don’t let the guilt eat at you if they say you’re not doing this or that right. Hold tight to the fact that you’ll be home soon, back to routine, back to you and baby and the life you created.

If at all it feels too much… stop and close your eyes.

Think of all of the mothers who are with you now.

Imagine them standing with you.

We have your back.

We have joy for you and we are holding you up.

If Christmas Day doesn’t go the way you hoped it would – you’re not alone and tomorrow is another day. A new day to have the day you want. You can have a do-over and have any day that you need once all of those unfair and heavy obligations have been put to bed. A walk on the beach, feeling the sand between your toes, and the sunshine on your shoulders or a day on the couch with magazines while your children play outside, you can do this.

All around you mothers are trying, through exhaustion and guilt and pressure. See them, love them, notice them, and help them.

The sisterhood of no sleep is alive and we’ve got you.

You can do this.

You’ve done this.

You have got this.

Promise.

x

Emily Writes is editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Follow her on Facebook here.

Call CYFs!
Call CYFs!

ParentsDecember 22, 2017

Let’s talk about screen time but not in a shitty way

Call CYFs!
Call CYFs!

Lily Emerson, a classification advisor at the Office of Film & Literature Classification, has some advice about screen time. And before you run screaming – it’s not what you think.

It’s unavoidable. Screen time arguments – between the adults, or with the kids. Yep, just one more thing to look forward to this holiday season!

Many debates about screen time continually place the onus on parents and caregivers (and especially mothers) to drastically limit their children’s access to devices when, at times, those devices are the only thing keeping you from losing your mind.

As a millennial (albeit an old one) I should know – the moral panic around how long I eyeball a screen has been the subject of several billion reckons. And as a classification advisor at the Office of Film & Literature Classification (OFLC) I watch screens and consume content at a much higher rate than my allegedly device-addicted friends.

I grew up in an age before iPads on car trips. I was well into my schooling years before my parents had a VCR (YES A VCR). I still remember the annual drive from Auckland to Napier to see Dad’s parents: Two children, two adults, a car too crap for a radio, all slowly pushing each other to the brink of madness.

I also remember how much these trips changed when I became a teenager and iPods were just becoming a thing. The ability to shut myself off listening to Bikini Kill and ignore everyone around me was great.

You can see why I can get a little dubious about screen-time freak outs.

“Get the kids off their devices! Their mental and emotional health is at stake!” We’ve all heard it before.

Well, the OFLC is not here to tell you to wrest devices from your children against their will for their own good in order to have a Meaningful Christmas. We wouldn’t play you like that.

Instead, we want to offer you a resource. Maybe it’s a life preserver, maybe it’s a pool toy. We don’t know how choppy your ocean is or how well-heated your pool. But we do know that when asked about communication in their families, Kiwi teenagers consistently report that they wish they could talk to the adults in their lives more. And that when their parents and caregiver are asked the same question, they give the same response.

For the past couple of months, the OFLC has been working in partnership with some amazing people to create resources for parents and caregivers that offer realistic, easy to implement strategies aimed at helping you communicate with the young people in your life. These resources aren’t aimed at inducing guilt or telling you to be better: We know you’re doing the best you can. We know these conversations can be hard. We just want to put more tools in your toolbox, and make it easier for you to do the things you want to be doing already.

One of the people we’ve been collaborating with is Dr Sue Bagshaw. Sue suggests meal times as a great time to talk: “We know that people sitting around a table once a day is incredibly protective – halves binge drinking, halves suicidal ideation, halves smoking – really, really important is just a meal each day round the table. So [there are] lots of things that families can do, heaps of stuff, and they’re not necessarily difficult.”

Sue knows what she’s talking about. She’s been a doctor working in the youth health sector for 30 years. Her work has been essential to establishing medical services that young people actually want to participate in, and Sue has been the president of the New Zealand Association of Adolescent Development, as well as the president of the International Association of Adolescent Health. Sue now runs the Collaborative Trust, which undertakes research evaluation and training in Youth Health and Development, and is a senior lecturer at the University of Otago Christchurch School of Medicine.

Basically, she’s all that.

The videos feature Sue describing some more tools for starting conversations and asking questions that parents and caregivers can adapt to suit their own needs and situations.

None of this resource development would be possible without Dr Claire Henry, who works as a lecturer in digital media production at Massey University.

Claire initially connected with the OFLC through a common research interest in screen representations of sexual violence, following our reports on Young People Viewing Sexual Violence. Claire has written a book on sexual violence and responses to rape in contemporary global cinema, Revisionist Rape-Revenge: Redefining a Film Genre. She has also researched and taught courses on classification and censorship in the UK and Australia, including coordinating the Masters course Censorship: Film, Art & Media at the University of Melbourne last year – before joining the School of English and Media Studies at Massey.

The OFLC has been working with Sue and Claire over the past few months to put together a bunch of videos like the ones above, designed to help parents and caregivers start important conversations with young people about their lives, the issues they face, and the media that they consume

Please continue to watch this space. These are the first in a series of helpful videos featuring Sue – and others – that we’ll be rolling out in the New Year. I’ll share more on The Spinoff Parents about this in 2018.

In the meantime, Happy Holidays. You’ve earned them.

Lily Emerson is a classification advisor at the OFLC. In her previous lives she has worked in a sex shop, written an MA in history, and taught at the University of Auckland. Lily moved to Wellington in 2016 to become a professional feminist and feels like she’s hit her stride.

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