Juggling more portfolios than any other minister in recent history is easy if you know how to manage your time.
Being a government minister is meant to be a massive job. Apart from the times when you’re in an airport, frozen under the white heat of journalistic scrutiny, you barely get to pause. Life is a blizzard of meetings, parliament debates, confidence votes in your leader and more meetings.
No wonder sometimes people go mad and launch leadership coups with no support, forcing every single one of their colleagues to travel to Wellington at short notice to listen to their three-and-a-half-hour Powerpoint presentation on why it’s a good idea to roll the prime minister.
Thanks to the rogue actions of that lone coupman Chris Penk, National’s otherwise united caucus has been burdened with the task of filling the outgoing Kaipara ki Mahurangi MP’s five ministerial warrants, plus the lesser but still important duties of an associate ministership. Normally parties would spread that kind of workload around. National has decided to go in another direction, innovatively dumping every single one of Penk’s responsibilities bar building and construction on a lone man who was already the minister for six other things.
Paul Goldsmith is now officially the busiest government official in recent history, with 11 portfolios to his name. Some say that kind of workload is impossible for anyone to handle adequately; that Goldsmith will almost certainly be neglecting between four and 10 portfolios. Even if he doesn’t sleep at all, he will only have 15 hours, 16 minutes and 12 seconds to invest in each portfolio per week. Indeed the minister has already cancelled one lucrative meeting due to his expanded workload.
But those people are likely zoomers who don’t know how to manage their time like boomers, who can go to four imaginary wars and dismantle the welfare state before lunchtime. Goldsmith will be able to stay across his role with proper scheduling. Thankfully The Spinoff is here to help.
Monday
1.30am-1.45am
Wake up at Remuera home.
Drink three cups of coffee.
1.45am-2.30am
Write another biography of a right-wing politician.
2.30am-2.33am
Think briefly about art.
2.33am-3am
3am-3.05am
Field an enraged noise complaint from Ōrākei local board member Troy Churton.
Minister for arts, culture and heritage job status: 95% complete.
3.05am-6am
Read GCSB and NZSIS briefings on the threat posed to New Zealand by environmentalists.
Minister responsible for the GCSB and NZSIS job status: 20% complete.
6am-8am
Field calls from colleagues who are enormously happy with the leadership of Christopher Luxon.
8am-10am
Fly to Wellington. Ignore reporters at the airport asking you to express confidence in the PM, in recognition of recent news that this is the best way to indicate complete confidence in the PM.
10am-4pm
Cabinet meeting on National’s plan to fix the basics, build the future and ride a wave of unity to election victory.
Caucus responsibilities: 100% complete.
4pm-6pm
Charter a defence force jet to fly back to Remuera.
Minister of defence job status: 25% complete.
6pm-7pm
Google “how to get Ngāpuhi to sign Treaty settlement”.
7pm-10pm
Quiet weeping.
Minister for treaty negotiations status: 100% complete.
Minister for the public service and digitising government: 50% complete.
10pm
Sleep.
Tuesday
1.30am-2am
Wake up at Remuera home.
Drink five cups of coffee.
2am-6am
Read GCSB and NZSIS briefings on the threat posed to New Zealand by Māori.
Minister responsible for the GCSB and NZSIS job status: 40% complete.
6am-10am
Take a defence force helicopter to Rocket Lab.
Minister of space job status: 50% complete.
Minister of defence job status: 40% complete.
10am-1.30pm
Take a defence force jet to Louise Upston’s taxpayer-funded apartment to get changed.
Minister of defence job status: 50% complete.
1.30pm-2pm
Take a defence force helicopter to parliament.
Minister of defence job status: 60% complete.
2pm-5pm
Lecture opposition parties on fiscal responsibility and government waste in parliament.
5pm-11pm
Get yelled at by Winston Peters.
Minister for veterans job status: 50% complete.
11pm
Pass out.
Wednesday
1.30am-2am
Wake up on the floor of Winston Peters’ office.
Drink seven cups of coffee.
2am-5am
Enter fugue state.
Minister for space job status: 100% complete.
5am-10am
Read GCSB and NZSIS briefings on the threat posed to New Zealand by radical leftists.
Minister responsible for the GCSB and NZSIS job status: 60% complete.
10am-10.15am
Find a globe and gaze at the Pacific Ocean.
Google “Pacific + NZ + what to do”.
Rewatch the video of Judith Collins saying “my husband is Samoan, so talofa”.
Minister for Pacific peoples job status: 100% complete.
Minister for the public service and digitising government status: 100% complete.
10.15am-10.30am
Have a muffin.
10.30am-2pm
Shove the Fair Digital News Bargaining Bill further toward the back of the filing cabinet next to the papers marked pay equity. Fill the filing cabinet with rocks. Load the filing cabinet onto a defence force frigate. Carefully lower the filing cabinet into the depths of Cook Strait.
Minister for media and communications job status: 95% complete.
Minister for defence job status: 90% complete.
2pm-6pm
Lecture the opposition on its ineffectiveness and legislative incompetence in parliament.
6pm-11pm
Wander Courtenay Place calling 105 on every homeless person.
Minister of justice job status: 30% complete.
Thursday
3am-3.30am
Come to on Courtenay Place to the sound of a police officer telling you to move on.
3.30am-4am
Shower in the bucket fountain. Head to the Beehive. Drink eight cups of coffee.
4am-10am
Read GCSB and NZSIS briefings on the threat posed to New Zealand by religious extremists.
Minister responsible for the GCSB and NZSIS job status: 99% complete.
10am-2pm
Wander the streets near parliament performing citizen’s arrests on homeless people.
Minister of justice job status: 60% complete.
2pm-6pm
Lecture the opposition on its inability to help New Zealanders with the cost of living.
6pm-10pm
Strategy meeting on how to lose to David Seymour in Epsom.
10pm-11pm
Craft press statement criticising Te Pāti Māori for their cynical approach to democracy.
11pm-2am
Get yelled at by Winston Peters.
Minister for veterans job status: Complete.
Friday
4am-5am
Wake up on the floor of Winston Peters’ office covered in blood.
Drink 10 cups of coffee.
5am-7am
Take a defence force plane to Remuera.
Minister for defence job status: 100% complete.
7am-7.05am
Read GCSB and NZSIS briefings on the threat posed to New Zealand by white nationalists.
Minister responsible for the GCSB and NZSIS job status: 100% complete.
7.05-9am
Taekwondo practice.
9am-5pm
Meet with Retail NZ. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with the Police Association. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with the Employers and Manufacturers Association. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with various city missions. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with the Human Rights Commission. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with the Electoral Commission. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with the NZ Law Society. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with Amnesty International. Tell them to piss off.
Meet with Sunny Kaushal. Tell him the government backs him 100%.
Minister of justice job status: 90% complete.
5pm-11pm
- Attend an arts awards ceremony.
- Deliver speech affirming the government’s ongoing commitment to telling those present to piss off and get a real job.
- Listen attentively to five minutes of sustained booing.
Minister for arts, culture and heritage job status: 100% complete.
Saturday
1am-11pm
Prep for being interviewed by Jack Tame on Q&A.
11pm
Sleep.
Sunday
8.55am-9am
Wake up in the TVNZ office confused and disoriented.
9am-9.30am
Get interviewed by Jack Tame on Q&A. When it’s put to you that the government didn’t try to reach a middle ground on election enrolment that allows as many people to vote as possible, say “so what?”
9.31am
Vow never to go on that show again.
9.31am-10am
Free time.
10am-10.30am
Burn an effigy of Jack Tame in the back garden.
Minister for media and communications job status: 100% complete.
10.30am-11.30am
Field an enraged public nuisance complaint from Ōrākei local board member Troy Churton.
Find yourself on the receiving end of a citizen’s arrest.
11.30am-12pm
Transport to Mt Eden prison.
12pm-1pm
Use your one phone call to talk to Erica Stanford about what a wonderful job Christopher Luxon is doing.
1pm-6pm
Field soundings from your cellmates on whether they have full confidence in Christopher Luxon.
Minister of justice job status: 100% complete.
6pm
Fall into a deep, fathomless slumber.
