The author at rest

Calling an extraordinary general meeting of the Parly Kids’ Caucus

Following Jacinda Ardern’s announcement that she will soon have a baby, the Spinoff has exclusively obtained a memo from the daughter of MP Kiri Allan to her fellow parliamentary under-ones.


To: Parly Cuzzies

From: Hiwa-i-te-rangi Allan-Coates

Subject: Parly Kids’ Caucus


Hey Parly Kids,

My mum’s started making all these weird “whooping” sounds yesterday. It was kinda annoying coz I was playing with Sophie the Giraffe and they distracted me.  But as it turns out, we’re getting another Parly Cuzzie!

Now that there’s quite a few of us Parly kids under one year of age, I think it’s probably appropriate to form a formal caucus: the Parly Kids’ Caucus.

It makes sense, particularly as Uncle Trev cuddles are going to become quite contested. The Parly Kids’ Caucus would provide a great forum to create a roster to make sure everyone gets their fair share. I know, I know, the National Party Parly kids are probably going to want to just let the market drive the competition and the best (wo)man win.  But a little bit of social democracy can’t go amiss – am I right?!

Also, our new Parly Cuzzie is going to own Aunty Jacinda and Uncle Clarke. I’ve only been here four months or so, but I do reckon our Parly Kids’ Caucus may come under added scrutiny with our new addition. So the behaviour of one, reflects on us all!

A kick for touch for starters – some rules for your consideration:

  1. Toys

There’s a good amount of toys in the Whanau Room on the second floor but everyone knows that the best toy is the Jolly Jumper. Every Parly Kid over the age of four months is entitled to daily use when the House is sitting and has priority if their mums or dads are speaking in the House – cool?

  1. Behaviour in the House

All Parly Kids are expected to act appropriately in the House. While it’s unavoidable, all efforts should be made to refrain from screeching at top notch volume. Look, I know we aren’t perfect and its probably gonna happen at some point, but if you need attention, try to keep attention-seeking efforts to chuckles, low-key squirming and subtle wahs as the occasion calls. I suggest electing Whips to monitor the behaviour and, of course, Uncle Trev will be on hand to be the arbiter in the (VERY UNLIKELY) circumstances where intervention through super cuddles is required.

Heeni and Hiwa-i-te-rangi discuss standing orders with Uncle Trev. Grab: RNZ

  1. Caucus positions

Caucus Leader – whoever is the oldest is the boss. [Editorial Note: Should we ensure gender balance from the outset? Let’s discuss at first Caucus.]

Leader of the House – Heeni. She’s had the most time in the House and seems to have her head around all the weird rules.

Deupty Leader of the House – Charlie. His daddy knows all the rules so that surely rubs off, right?

Whip – Theo and Jemima. The Whips are responsible for monitoring behaviour in the House and determining the roster for Uncle Trev cuddles.

  1. Caucus election process

Let’s keep it simple: the loudest cry wins.

  1. Parly pool parties

If there are ever matters to be contested, all decision making shall be done in the Parly pool where we can cool off instantly. Note, there’s only one swimming ring so priority shall be afforded to whoever is closest to their nap time.

Think that’s the key stuff. Heeni and I have heaps of toys on our floor so we can use our office as our caucus meeting room. I’m super excited for another Parly Cuzzie – OMG, I bet that means more toys. YUUUS.

Let’s all touch base on 30 January so we can have the caucus rules well established before the new addition arrives in June.  And happy new years y’all – this one is going to be an absolute RIPPER.

Naku noa, na

Hiwa-i-te-rangi Allan-Coates

Secretarial services for Hiwa-i-te-rangi Allan-Coates are provided by Labour MP Kiri Allan 


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