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In a tribute to the postal voting system, Wayne Brown is doing a lot of postal mayoring. Artwork: Tina Tiller and Jacobus Leveck
In a tribute to the postal voting system, Wayne Brown is doing a lot of postal mayoring. Artwork: Tina Tiller and Jacobus Leveck

PoliticsOctober 21, 2022

Letters from Wayne

In a tribute to the postal voting system, Wayne Brown is doing a lot of postal mayoring. Artwork: Tina Tiller and Jacobus Leveck
In a tribute to the postal voting system, Wayne Brown is doing a lot of postal mayoring. Artwork: Tina Tiller and Jacobus Leveck

Revealed: the Brown ink memos.

Already, municipal historians are calling Wayne Brown’s term leading the Auckland council “the epistolary mayoralty”. From his office on the 27th floor of the downtown Wayne Brown council building, the mayor perches at his escritoire, dipping quill in ink, pausing only to gaze out at the moving vista of a million imported used automobiles.

In missives so far released to the public, Mayor-elect Brown has shared thoughts, feelings and instructions with the acting chair of Auckland Transport, with Ports of Auckland chair Jan Dawson, with Watercare chair Margaret Devlin, and with the CEOs of mobile network operators. 

But this appears to be just the tip of the Wayneberg. A leather-bound bundle leaked to The Spinoff includes hundreds of other missives. 

We wanted to ask Mayor-elect Brown if the letters were authentic but he was unavailable for interview.

Below, a selection of those letters.

Dear Tory Whanau

I want to congratulate you on your election to the role of mayor of Wellington. Across more than 300 events during the campaign it was made very clear to me that the last thing anyone needs in a mayor is someone who thinks it’s really crack-up to run an ad in the Herald having a go at another mayor. What Aucklanders have told me, time and time again, is that they want a mayor who fixes things using letters, not a mayor who thinks they’re really, really funny when they’re not. 

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Phil Goff

I want to thank you for adhering to my request for mass resignations, and doing so very early. Much work lies ahead for the council family to gain the trust and confidence of Aucklanders. It is my expectation that you tell me where you put the remote.

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear A-Plus Auckland Express Drycleaners

For the most part, A-Plus Auckland Express Drycleaners provide an important service to Aucklanders, and for that I thank you. However, during the recent mayoral campaign, for which I attended more than 600 public meetings and other events, a constant source of complaint was the provision of services, including but not limited to drycleaners, who fail to meet their own undertakings. 

Specifically, the “express” service, incorporating the four-garments-for-the-price-of-three special offer, last Thursday took a full 20 minutes longer than the undertaking of a four-hour turnaround, which really messed up my afternoon. Let me be clear that I find this situation unacceptable. My expectation is that you demonstrate to me that you understand how Aucklanders live now and how they want to live in the future, in written form within three weeks.

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Bill Shakespeare 

I want to thank you for your contributions to the field of literature over the years. I have seen you described as a man of letters, but really that’s my specialty. You’re more a man of plays, when you think about it, Bill, and some of them are excellent. 

As incoming mayor and fellow “bard”, my advice is to cut all ties with the organisation Creative New Zealand. It will not surprise you that in over one hundred score campaign events, the strongest and most consistent message I heard from the people of Auckland, known also as the “Wayniacs”, was that Creative New Zealand funds a lot of rubbish these days. It is my intention to demand the resignation of their board, but as matters stand your reputation is being damaged by association. Separately, I would urge you to focus on histories, rather than the other soppy stuff.

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Harbour City Urinal Solutions

A bit bigger and an inch higher. Can you sharpen up the focus?

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Elon Musk

I want to thank you for your contribution to the world of business and investment, particularly in the fields of electric vehicles and space travel. With regard, however, to your email alerting me to “A Secret Bitcoin System That Makes More Than Tesla! Legal Tax-Free Cash For Everyone” I have instructed my staff to decline the offer. 

Across more than ten thousand public meetings during the campaign, there was no clear enthusiasm for secret bitcoin systems that make more than Tesla, and under the present fiscal circumstances I consider such an investment would be imprudent. Happy to discuss further (Monday to Friday, 9am to 3pm).

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Novel Coronavirus SARS-CoV-2

As I am sure you are aware, your presence in Auckland is damaging and undesirable. Simply put, you are not welcome. I was elected mayor with a clear statutory mandate to halt all deathly viruses and I do not shirk from that. Across more than three hundred thousand mayoral debates through the campaign the message was loud and clear: Covid-19 is really bad. My immediate instructions are as follows: (a) resign; (b) leave Auckland; (b) do not, whether in current or future variant form, return to Auckland.

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear AG Sulzberger

I would like to thank you for the daily word puzzle “Wordle”, provided via the website I usually enjoy it. It is with some regret I inform you there are days, however, when I do not (enjoy it). October 8, 2022 was one of those. What should have been a great day for me, and for Auckland, as it elected me mayor by the biggest mandate of all time, was blighted by my Wordle streak being halted. Ruined. The answer? VIGOR. Across ten and a half million meetings and debates through the mayoral campaign, the message was clear. Aucklanders will not accept American spellings in Wordle. My expectation is that you will focus squarely henceforth on the many words, including but not limited to WAYNE and BROWN and FIXER, that are formulated consistently across the Anglosphere.

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Dear Mrs Brown

This is just to say that in regard to the plums that were in the icebox, and in accordance with the mandate given to me by Aucklanders, I have eaten them. While I understand that you may have been considering the plums as a breakfast component, my expectations are clear. I would register with you my request for forgiveness but note also that in campaign events spanning 50 continents and travelling directly into and out the other side of the sun’s core, it was made clear to me as incoming mayor that I can freely consume any plums, wherever I find them, should they satisfy the following criteria: (a) delicious; (b) so sweet; and (c) so cold. 

Yours sincerely, Wayne Brown

Keep going!