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Your partner’s response to Below Deck says more about them than they know. (Photo: Getty / Design: Archi Banal)
Your partner’s response to Below Deck says more about them than they know. (Photo: Getty / Design: Archi Banal)

Pop CultureSeptember 1, 2022

Hear me out: Below Deck is an accurate gauge of a potential partner’s character

Your partner’s response to Below Deck says more about them than they know. (Photo: Getty / Design: Archi Banal)
Your partner’s response to Below Deck says more about them than they know. (Photo: Getty / Design: Archi Banal)

One simple trick to effectively predict your relationship outcome.

 You know that frisson-filled yet worryingly uncertain early stage of a relationship? When you think you like them, and they seem to like you back, but you’ve only spent a total of about 15 hours together, so you’re still not entirely certain that they don’t spend their spare time taxidermy-ing roadkill? When you want to get to know the real them, but don’t want to scare them off by subjecting them to a three-hour cross-examination on the third date?

Well, worry not, because there is a better, easier, more entertaining way to probe the depths of your lover’s psyche. Just cosy up in front of an episode of Bravo’s finest reality franchise Below Deck.

Below Deck follows the crew on superyachts as they cater to the unreasonable demands of the nouveau riche. Most crew are cast based on youth and hotness; some are cast based on sheer incompetence. While on charter, the crew work exhausting 18-hour days serving drinks and meals, putting away “water toys” and trying not to crash their floating palace into the dock. While off charter, they go out for dinner, get sloppy drunk, bicker, and make out in each other’s bunks.

The potent combination of youth, lust, alcohol, and claustrophobic living quarters produces a psychodrama so compelling that there are now three spinoffs –Mediterranean, Down Under, and Sailing Yacht – and 20 total seasons. Obviously, my partner and I have watched all of them, and every single episode sparks an interesting discussion about the interpersonal dynamics on display. This is how I know that getting a prospective partner’s take on the drama is the ultimate litmus test of their personality.

How you respond to this group of people says everything about you. (Photo: Supplied)

Consider, for example, the misogynist yachtbro who is inexplicably cast on nearly every season. The yachtbro usually starts off seeming vaguely OK, then gets a crush on one of the female crew, and is rejected either immediately or eventually. Once rejected, he performs an epic volte-face,  realising that the woman who mere moments ago was wife material is actually a total slut. An excellent example of this archetype is Jamie from the inaugural season of Down Under. Not only did he immediately turn on beautiful stew Magda when she declined to accept his penis, he was also upset by the women on board affectionately calling him (and one another) “bitch,” explaining that he found the word offensive. He proceeded to complain about the situation to another crew member, unironically referring to the culprits as “those fucking bitches”. If you find yourself dating someone who expresses sympathy for the yachtbro, this is a signal that you need to pull the plug immediately.

Consider, too, how the object of your affections reacts to the frequent disputes between management and subordinates. Virtually every season involves a battle of wills between a rude chief stew or bosun with zero management skills, and an incompetent-yet-arrogant underling. Assess carefully whether your lover can see the nuance in the situation, rather than blaming one person or the other. On Below Deck, as in real-life, conflict is usually a collective effort. You want to be sure that your partner understands the reality of most relationship disputes, which is that everyone involved is annoying and kind of sucks.

Finally, you can learn a lot from paying close attention to your lover’s take on the various Below Deck captains. If they are somehow a fan of passive-aggressive, pep-talking micromanager Sandy from Mediterranean, something is seriously wrong. If they are all about Captain Lee from OG Below Deck and his gruff neologisms and ivory-tower management style, proceed with caution: they may have authoritarian leanings. If the cheerful manic-pixie dream-captain Glenn from Sailing Yacht is their cup of chai, you’re onto a winner. And if their all-time favourite Captain is the tall, dark, handsome Jason from Down Under, well, they probably just think he’s the ultimate DILF, which simply means they’re human.

See what I mean? Stonkingly entertaining 42-minute episodes of reality television are truly the windows to the soul. Watching a couple of episodes of Below Deck will teach you far more about your partner than the NY Times’ 36 questions that lead to love ever could. 

‘Help keep The Spinoff funny, smart, tall and handsome – become a member today.’
Gabi Lardies
— Staff writer

Follow our reality TV recap podcast The Real Pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.

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Celebrities! On an island! (Design: Archi Banal)
Celebrities! On an island! (Design: Archi Banal)

Pop CultureAugust 31, 2022

A play-by-play breakdown of the new Celebrity Treasure Island teaser

Celebrities! On an island! (Design: Archi Banal)
Celebrities! On an island! (Design: Archi Banal)

Tara Ward savours every delicious detail of our first look at the new season.

TVNZ just dropped a sneak peek at the new season of Celebrity Treasure Island, and hold on to your budgie smugglers me hearties, it’s GOOD. We already knew about the celebrities favourite chip flavours and song choices, but this trailer teases a season that’s fizzing with tension, tears and trouble. It’s a glimpse into a beachy paradise where challenges are fought and alliances are made, and where the entire future of the competition hangs on Dr Grace Kwan’s blow-up coat hanger.

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If the teaser is this good, imagine what the rest of the season will be like. This group of fresh-faced New Zealand celebrities are larking it up on a Northland beach to win $100,000 for their chosen charity, but they might have also made the best season of CTI yet. Let’s dive headfirst into this buffet of reality TV goodness and chew this masterpiece over, frame by delicious frame.

0:20 Welcome to the White Lotus

Found the treasure (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Our CTI journey begins with a spooky story about a plane that crashed on a mysterious island, its cargo lost forever. The story is narrated by science’s gift to reality television Dr Joel Rindelaub, and the mood is dark and intense. There are crypts, and more teeth than you would expect.

0.33 This is not intense

The sequel to The Notebook takes an early turn (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Just three celebrities sitting on a log, reading a jolly tale handwritten with a ye olde “pen” in an old fashioned “notebook”. Better living, celebrities.

0.39 Hosts Bree Tomasel and Matt Chisholm are back

Chizzo! (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Mum and Dad welcome us back to the beach of dreams. Nothing about this quest will be familiar, Matt promises, even though they appear to be standing on the same beach as last year. Matt wears a lovely tropical shirt.

0.59 Comedian Guy Montgomery declares CTI is “pilots over pirates, baby” 

It’s that classic battle between sea and sky, hearts and minds, planes and boats. Only one gets into the Koru Club for free, the other is forced to befriend parrots and say “arrr, matey” a lot. Live, laugh, love, the lot of you.

1.05 Karen O’Leary asks the age old question: “celebrities?”

A New Zealand celebrity in the wild (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Karen O’Leary opens an early can of worms by questioning the concept of “celebrities”, chucking in some devastating finger air quotes for good measure. We all love watching celebrities at the beach, but CTI is all aboard the self-deprecation train, eating itself from the inside by questioning its own relevance before a single episode has even washed up on our shores. Who said reality TV couldn’t be deep?

1.08 New Zealand celebrity Guy Montgomery also appears to struggle with the concept of “New Zealand celebrity”

This Guy (Screengrab: TVNZ)

I mean, we get it. Are you actually a New Zealand celebrity if we all went to school with your cousin? If a New Zealand celebrity falls in the forest and no other New Zealand celebrity hears it, does it even make a sound? It’s a lot of existential angst this early in a three minute, 15 second gift from the TV gods.

1.14 Karen O’Leary makes a shocking announcement

“Celebrities often are talking absolute garbage,” O’Leary reveals. I want to believe her, but she’s a celebrity. Yet again, CTI is a riddle wrapped in an enigma tucked under Dr Joel’s mullet.

1.16 A celebrity talks absolute garbage

Say no more (Screengrab: TVNZ)

He’s just a celebrity, sitting on a beach, asking his beans to love him.

1.17 Lynette Forday introduces us to her inflatable coat hanger

Explosive (Screengrab: TVNZ)

The future is amazing. Inflatable coat hangers? A celebrity talking garbage? Consider that coat hanger – and my mind – officially blown.

1.21 Courtenay Louise plays her hand early

“From now on, I’m going to shut my mouth and keep everything to myself,” the Shortland Street star vows. It’s a great tactic until the curse of the CTI sheep jaw strikes again, and Courtenay and Cassie Roma provide us with this private, extremely confidential, never to be seen by the viewing public moment.

Screengrabs: TVNZ

1.45 “This year, there are a few surprises”

Dame Suzy D (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Alas, the surprise Bree Tomasel refers to isn’t discovering which cracks the sand gets into at the beach, but our first glimpse of celebrity intruders Mike King, Dame Susan Devoy and Ron Cribb. The trailer cuts to Lynette Forday – aka Grace Kwan from Shortland Street – laughing like the menopausal women of New Zealand have never laughed before, looking like she’s enjoying a real holiday on a real deserted island and not this hectic hellfire of deflating coat hangers and menopausal mayhem.

Screengrabs: TVNZ

2.05 Mike King claims to be the only celebrity in New Zealand

The King (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Hold the pirate phone Mike, there must be enough room on that island for all these slightly famous New Zealanders. Is this another absolute garbage claim, or are we staring truth in the eye and watching the world fold in on itself? The sheep skull declined to comment.

2.12 Personalities collide

Iyia Liu accuses Lynette Forday of cheating. Maybe it’s during a challenge, maybe Iyia found out Lynette got someone else to finish blowing up her coat hanger. Either way, the next few seconds are tense, with contestants crashing into each other, Lynette looking cross and Mike King announcing “I’ll be the bad guy! I don’t care!”, which is exactly what you’d expect the only celebrity in New Zealand to say.

2.23 Karen O’Leary is crying and I want to RIOT on her behalf

Oh no (Screengrab: TVNZ)

“I just don’t like people being unkind to other people,” the Wellington Paranormal star sobs to camera, and the sooner Matt Chisholm offers up his snazzy shirt to wipe away her tears, the better.

2.25 Dr Joel makes a weird noise

Science in motion (Screengrab: TVNZ)

2.27 Dr Joel makes another weird noise

The evidence is clear (Screengrab: TVNZ)

2.29 Bree Tomasel teases the biggest twist in CTI history

If it’s not another round of classic CTI challenge Corky Foiny, then I’m sticking a pin in Lynette’s coat hanger and going home.

3.08 Bree and Matt finish by telling us we should “expect the unexpected”

See you on September 5 (Screengrab: TVNZ)

Arrrr, mateys.

Celebrity Treasure Island starts on Monday 5 September on TVNZ 2.


Follow our reality TV recap podcast The Real Pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.

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