One simple trick to effectively predict your relationship outcome.

 You know that frisson-filled yet worryingly uncertain early stage of a relationship? When you think you like them, and they seem to like you back, but you’ve only spent a total of about 15 hours together, so you’re still not entirely certain that they don’t spend their spare time taxidermy-ing roadkill? When you want to get to know the real them, but don’t want to scare them off by subjecting them to a three-hour cross-examination on the third date?

Well, worry not, because there is a better, easier, more entertaining way to probe the depths of your lover’s psyche. Just cosy up in front of an episode of Bravo’s finest reality franchise Below Deck.

Below Deck follows the crew on superyachts as they cater to the unreasonable demands of the nouveau riche. Most crew are cast based on youth and hotness; some are cast based on sheer incompetence. While on charter, the crew work exhausting 18-hour days serving drinks and meals, putting away “water toys” and trying not to crash their floating palace into the dock. While off charter, they go out for dinner, get sloppy drunk, bicker, and make out in each other’s bunks.

The potent combination of youth, lust, alcohol, and claustrophobic living quarters produces a psychodrama so compelling that there are now three spinoffs –Mediterranean, Down Under, and Sailing Yacht – and 20 total seasons. Obviously, my partner and I have watched all of them, and every single episode sparks an interesting discussion about the interpersonal dynamics on display. This is how I know that getting a prospective partner’s take on the drama is the ultimate litmus test of their personality.

Consider, for example, the misogynist yachtbro who is inexplicably cast on nearly every season. The yachtbro usually starts off seeming vaguely OK, then gets a crush on one of the female crew, and is rejected either immediately or eventually. Once rejected, he performs an epic volte-face,  realising that the woman who mere moments ago was wife material is actually a total slut. An excellent example of this archetype is Jamie from the inaugural season of Down Under. Not only did he immediately turn on beautiful stew Magda when she declined to accept his penis, he was also upset by the women on board affectionately calling him (and one another) “bitch,” explaining that he found the word offensive. He proceeded to complain about the situation to another crew member, unironically referring to the culprits as “those fucking bitches”. If you find yourself dating someone who expresses sympathy for the yachtbro, this is a signal that you need to pull the plug immediately.

Consider, too, how the object of your affections reacts to the frequent disputes between management and subordinates. Virtually every season involves a battle of wills between a rude chief stew or bosun with zero management skills, and an incompetent-yet-arrogant underling. Assess carefully whether your lover can see the nuance in the situation, rather than blaming one person or the other. On Below Deck, as in real-life, conflict is usually a collective effort. You want to be sure that your partner understands the reality of most relationship disputes, which is that everyone involved is annoying and kind of sucks.

Finally, you can learn a lot from paying close attention to your lover’s take on the various Below Deck captains. If they are somehow a fan of passive-aggressive, pep-talking micromanager Sandy from Mediterranean, something is seriously wrong. If they are all about Captain Lee from OG Below Deck and his gruff neologisms and ivory-tower management style, proceed with caution: they may have authoritarian leanings. If the cheerful manic-pixie dream-captain Glenn from Sailing Yacht is their cup of chai, you’re onto a winner. And if their all-time favourite Captain is the tall, dark, handsome Jason from Down Under, well, they probably just think he’s the ultimate DILF, which simply means they’re human.

See what I mean? Stonkingly entertaining 42-minute episodes of reality television are truly the windows to the soul. Watching a couple of episodes of Below Deck will teach you far more about your partner than the NY Times’ 36 questions that lead to love ever could. 

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