Tara Ward reacts to the new preview of the upcoming season of Celebrity Treasure Island.
Less than a week before Celebrity Treasure Island returns for its sixth glorious year, TVNZ have released a supertease of the season ahead. Against the stunning new backdrop of Te Whanganui-o-Hei in the Coromandel, 18 local celebrities are about to wash up on a beach of dreams, in the hope of solving an ancient family mystery and winning $100,000 for their chosen charity. And guess what? This season looks like an absolute doozy.
The new supertease is a four-minute masterpiece filled with drama, action, tension and joy. It’s our first glimpse of Suzanne “Natural Glow ho” Paul, politician Carmel Sepuloni and broadcaster Duncan Garner all living on the same beach, and there’s no shortage of tears and chaos. But wait, there’s more. I’ve watched this supertease dozens of times, chewing over every delicious frame like a hungry celebrity hoovering down a hard-won McDonald’s chicken nugget combo, just to find 10 of the teaser’s most exciting moments.
Are you not entertained, Aotearoa? Let’s dive into the drama.
1) There’s a new co-host on the island
Build it, and Lance Savali will come. With last season’s co-host Jayden Daniels committed to an acting role elsewhere, two-time CTI castaway Lance Savali stepped into the breech, alongside host Bree Tomasel. The supertease is our first chance to see the former CTI rule-breaker in action, and Lance seems to have nailed the lurking part of the job, jumping out from behind rocks and popping up from under trees whenever he feels like it. He also seems to love a whistle, so what more do you need, New Zealand?
2) Everyone is crying
People sobbing their way through CTI isn’t new (hi, Matty McLean), but this season it looks like the dam has broken, the seas have risen and every celebrity is being swept away in a river of emotion. If it’s not a weepy Janaye Henry, it’s Vinnie Woolston wiping tears away and sad cowboy Duncan Garner telling us he’s let people down. Maybe this is why there appears to be a bath at one of the camps? Is this how our celebs are supposed to conserve water?
3) Give Michelle Langstone all the awards
Speaking of tears, Michelle Langstone sobbing to the camera cut me to the core, until she pulled back the mask to reveal she was only pretending. That’s acting, baby! Now we know how Alex Ryan felt on McLeod’s Daughters when Michelle Langstone lied to him and then cut up his dining table with a chainsaw. This magnificent performance is up there with Jodie Rimmer fake-spewing in the bushes to stay in the competition back in 2019, so bravo, five stars, see you at the Emmys.
4) The weird rocks are back again
They’re not as big as the monolith or as shiny as the magical stones of Fiji, but there’s nothing more powerful on CTI than a big old chunk of stone. But why, and where, and how, and when? In the words of Millen Baird, “what does it all MEEEEAN, Cully?”
5) The challenges are as batshit as ever
Celebrities being human bowling balls in a giant game of skittles! Stars being pushed to their physical limits! Famous people calling for the medics! This season’s challenges look fiercer than usual, but I’m especially intrigued about Michelle Langstone being forced to pick up tiny jars on a tiny stage behind a tiny curtain. It’s yet another reminder that we are all just puppets in the twisted theatre of CTI’s heart.
6) Suzanne Paul might be this season’s MVP
Nobody has turned up to CTI wearing a space-suit silver puffer jacket before, but then again, nobody else is Suzanne Paul. The infomercial queen first appeared on CTI back in 2003, and she knows exactly what she’s here to do this time: “make a good TV show”. She’s also here to take us on a journey of linguistic zingers, dropping “jiggery pokery”, “Natural Glow ho” and “but wait, there’s more” in a matter of seconds. But wait, there is more, because the teaser shows her holding the captain’s rākau kōrero? Oh luminous captain, my luminous captain.
7) There’s a lot of tension
Well, well, well, it looks like the kids on school camp are misbehaving. “If you’re going to cheat, at least try and be subtle about it,” Bree Tomasel scolds, while Tamati Coffey tells everyone to “never trust a politician” and Michelle Langstone suggests Duncan Garner should go “down to the beach and have a think about your life”. Between the cheating, the shouting, the yelling and the tears – plus Bubbah’s admission that she’s never seen an episode of the show before – will this be the most chaotic season yet?
8) The huts are a bit flash
Four walls to keep you dry? An old couch to lie around on? A dead possum under the hut, rather than inside it – what is this, the Hilton? Five stars, would stay again.
9) This season is being compared to the cultural classics of all time
First, there’s Wairangi Koopu rasping “my precious” to a tiny clue in a tiny bottle, like he’s a camo-wearing Gollum in a budget Lord of the Rings spinoff. Then there’s Duncan Garner singing Shakespeare’s top of the pops rock ballad “Romeo and Juliet”, and JP Foliaki comparing the game to Harry Potter. Who said reality TV didn’t have substance? Not us, mates.
10) The bath is the 19th cast member
Looks like a lot of important stuff goes down in that tub. Long live the bath, and long live CTI.
Celebrity Treasure Island starts on Monday September 9 on TVNZ2 at 7.30pm and streams on TVNZ+.