Tara Ward power ranks week one of Celebrity Treasure Island. 

Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and Celebrity Treasure Island is back on our screens. A brand new season of the New Zealand reality series began this week, with 18 brave celebrities washing up on an isolated Coromandel beach in the hope of winning $100,000 for their chosen charity. This year features a typically eclectic cast, including several actors, two politicians, one broadcaster, and a man with javelin legs. Any questions? Didn’t think so.

Week one was marked by a cheating scandal involving former politician and broadcaster Tāmati Coffey, who proved that even if you’re not in the Beehive any more, you can still give evasive answers to important questions. Did he cheat? Should we care? I reckon there should be way more cheating on CTI, especially if the culprits try to make it up to their teammates by offering them a little flannel that they can all share. 

This first week was surprisingly tense, with several barbs thrown between Team Aihe and Team Wētā, particularly after Suzanne Paul used her advantage scroll to steal Team Wētā’s egg reward. Suzanne told the other team to get over themselves, Carmel Sepuloni called Tāmati a “former politician”, and Christian Cullen accused the other team of “peacocking”. Come on guys, can’t you just all have a wipe down with Tāmati’s flannel and be mates again? 

It seems nobody is safe on CTI this season, and in the words of All Black Christian Cullen: “I will be watching him. Not when I’m sleeping, but I will be watching.” Let’s roll into these rankings. 

Eliminated: Vinnie Woolston

It sucks to go out first, but this exit sucks a lot more because we won’t get to see Vinnie’s spectacular orange shirt again. I like to think that’s why everyone cried when Vinnie left, but it was probably because they were sad to lose Vinnie, too. Gone too soon, gone too shirt.  

Eliminated: Casey Kopua

Here’s a fact that I enjoyed learning about Casey Kopua: her family goes through a tray and a half of eggs a week. In other news, Casey was a huge physical threat who excelled at whipping balls into a net while swimming in an inflatable ring, and she was having a lovely time until Millen Baird beat her in a puzzle. We can take comfort from the fact that Casey was soon reunited with her family and a tray and a half of nature’s finest. 

The rest

16. Aidee Walker

A quiet week from Aidee, apart from an unexpected monologue about being or not being a CTI virgin. It’s fine, either way! 

15. James Rolleston

The actor bonded with Duncan Garner over their shared struggles, but made himself a target for Team Aihe by insisting on calling Suzanne Paul “Susan”. What, not even Suzy P, Natural Glow Ho?!

14. Duncan Garner

Caught some fish, did a slut drop. No further questions, your honour. 

13. Gaby Solomona

Gaby scored one of the precious goals that saw her team win a reward prize of bacon and eggs, only to be crestfallen when Suzanne pinched the prize. Where’s that team flannel when you need it? Onwards and upwards. 

12. Mea Motu

Absolutely loving Mea’s energy for the competition, and every episode her advice makes me feel more motivated. If I’m uncomfortable, that’s comfortable. Life’s too short to waste, and I’d rather go out knowing that I went up against the strongest. Never forget, there’s no flannel like a team flannel.

11. Michelle Langstone

Speaking of enthusiasm, nobody is having a better time than CTI mega-fan Michelle Langstone. She loves the camp! She adores the bunks!! She can’t wait to get into her sleeping bag!!! She found the toilet paper!!!! What a joy. 

10. Wairangi Koopu

He may be the captain of Team Wētā, but the former Warriors player quickly discovered that CTI is a game like no other. Wairangi chose Suzanne as the captain of Aihe in the hope that it would piss off everyone else in her team, but the response wasn’t quite what he had hoped:

9. Janaye Henry

Anyone who wins $5000 for charity simply for telling jokes is a force to be reckoned with. 

8. JP Foliaki

JP is one to watch. He’s positioning himself as the underdog, and played a masterful game against Aunty Suzy P in the CTI classic “kūmara in a box” challenge. But was there even a kūmara in that box? Did JP actually win that challenge, but pretended not to so he didn’t have to steal the captaincy off Suzanne? Most importantly, if a kūmara in a box falls in a Coromandel forest, does it even make a sound? 

7. Tāmati Coffey

First things first: why are there so many STAIRS on this island? The wood department is out of control. Tāmati had to sit on the naughty step after he was disqualified from a challenge for cheating, but his teammates got their knickers in a knot over Tāmati cheating and then not admitting he had cheated. It’s the sort of emotional journey Taylor Swift would write a song about, probably while she was standing at the top of a thousand wooden stairs somewhere in the Coromandel, with a chorus that goes: “I stand by my innocence/It was the wind/Even Suzanne Paul thinks so”.  

6. Spankie Jackzon

“You know those games where you have to find things of the things and they mean things at the end and then you put them all together and it’s something? I feel like this game is going to be that.” Couldn’t have said it any better. 

5. Millen Baird

And the sun did rise in the morning, and with it came a man who called himself Javelin Legs. 

4. Carmel Sepuloni

Blow me down and cover me in a capital gains tax, but Carmel Sepuloni is here to play. She’s sharper than a tack, she’s made more strategic steps than Tāmati Coffey’s staircase, and she’s perceptive in ways that regular voters can only dream of. Who knew that all those sneaky parliamentary skills would come in handy on a deserted island? Maybe the next election should be held on a beach with all the politicians sleeping on dodgy bunks and eating rice for eight weeks, all to raise money for charity? Just an idea. 

3. Mysterious Smooth Guy Christian Cullen

If there’s a puzzle to solve on CTI, it’s Christian Cullen. He’s a square peg in a round hole, a fish out of water, a grumpy dad stuck on a beach holiday with the kids. Bubbah called him a “mysterious smooth guy”, and I’m here for every shot of Christian Cullen lying on a wooden bed, his sad cowboy hat covering his face while he pretends none of this is happening. In fact, I’d pay good money to see Cully take this unique brand of chaos all the way to the end to dig for the treasure, given he dropped this absolute pearler this week: “When you see a dog digging a hole, they just love it… but it wasn’t my cup of tea.” Makes you think. 

2. Bubbah

Christian Cullen and Bubbah might be the dream team CTI didn’t know they needed, because Bubbah has never seen the show before and Cullen loathes everything about it. Where everyone else had strategy up the wazoo, Bubbah arrived with nothing more than a positive attitude and a pair of gumboots. Her dream of digging up a pie in the first challenge might not have come true, but she smashed the first elimination challenge to send Vinnie home. Straight to number two for this trailblazer.   

1. Suzanne Paul

Our infomercial queen started this game as she means to go on: controlling every move without losing her natural glow. Suzy P glided onto the beach in a canoe paddled by two other players, and once she was captain, pulled all the strings while wearing a glorious spaceman jacket that suggested she had just spent the last year orbiting Mars. Aunty knows she’s here to make great TV, so she’s not afraid to steal the other team’s reward or narrate the challenges or practice her dolphin noises on camera. “I’m here to win, and I don’t think they realise that yet,” the 66-year-old told us – or as the dolphins say, “Eeee-eieee-eeeeeeeeeeeheee”. 

Celebrity Treasure Island screens Monday-Wednesday on TVNZ2 at 7.30pm and streams on TVNZ+.