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Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

Pop CultureOctober 11, 2023

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings, week four: Zaddy’s coming home

Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

Tension rose and tears fell in an emotional week on Celebrity Treasure Island. Tara Ward power ranks.

Welcome back to the shingly beach of dreams, where the team game is over and the merge rules supreme. This week, Tohorā and Kārearea joined as one to become Weka, a team name which henceforth by law must be whispered exactly like the Deka jingle. The merge saw a power shift as two huge physical threats formed a deep bond, and if you’re not safely ensconced in the other alliance containing several comedians and an inflatable unicorn, then good luck to you. 

The pressure began to affect our beloved celebs this week, especially after three players were sent home and everyone else kept finding magical scrolls. There were tears, there was tension, and players started to give away their clues just because they could. The balance of the game is teetering wildly, with any one of the eight remaining celebs capable of making a clever deal and pushing through to the bitter end. Frankly, they should all be at number one on this terrible ranking, including that inflatable unicorn. 

However, it has been drawn to my attention that in each of the power rankings this season, the player at number one has been eliminated the following week. I can neither confirm nor deny that this is due to some top level alien intelligence. Take care out there. 

Eliminated: Matt Gibb

All hail the king of Squirt, who bravely built this batshit puzzle with two bung fingers and then tried to make “sleep jeans” a thing. Matt’s post-elimination tears were a reminder that even though this is just a silly TV show, it’s also an intense experience full of heart and emotion – especially when you have to go nigh-nighs in a shroud of crunchy denim. A heart-breaking exit, on many levels. 

Eliminated: The Guy from Shorty Street aka Zaddy aka Blair Grylls aka Blair Strang

The Eliminator has been eliminated, and I’m madder than Rangi on Shorty Street when he found out he’d been banging his sister. Now Zaddy is gone there’ll be no more hectic moves, no more cutting shapes by the firepit, and no more midnight seminars on alien abductions of American presidents. Also, what if Blair Grylls wasn’t eliminated, but actually abducted by aliens disguised as New Zealand celebrities? Just something to think about.  

Eliminated: Jazz Thornton

A rough week for Jazz, who spent all her CTI magic money on a game-changing scroll that never saw the light of day. Pretty sure the Consumer Guarantees Act covers all purchases on a reality TV show, right? This is what we pay our taxes for, right? We’ll miss you, Jazz Thornton. 

8. Mel Homer

This week Mel reckoned she didn’t know how to play the game, and yet somehow, she excelled at sucking up lollies and placing them onto a tiny pole. I think Mel Homer knows how to play this game JUST FINE. 

7. Eli Matthewson

Solved a tricky puzzle four different ways, gave a Shakespeare monologue while balancing on a floaty triangle, also pashed a unicorn?! Everything is fine. 

6. Laura Daniel

May the CTI gods forever bless Laura, who started the week by doing the worm and ended it by finding a secret scroll right under Steve Price’s nose. That scroll turned out to be a weird short story scribbled with a dodgy Bic and written ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS, and on closer inspection, raises more questions than answers…

5. James Mustapic

“I have the memory of a sieved goldfish,” James announced this week, speaking to a nation of sieved goldfish who also stop listening as soon as Jayden Daniels starts explaining any challenge rules. Just let those celebrities find that Filet-o-Fish by themselves, Jayden! It’s survival of the fittest!!! Sam Wallace didn’t win this gig by listening to instructions!!!!!!!

4. Turia Schmidt-Peke

Turia wasn’t impressed by her teammates’ “sexy” moves during the slip and slide challenge, nor was she impressed by Jazz’s suggestion that her loyal TikTok fan army would be fuming if Jazz was eliminated, and she definitely wasn’t impressed by a pot of beans that took a ridiculously long time to cook. Beans! Never trust those little fuckers. 

3. Courtney Dawson

Finding out that Courtney bought more hats to CTI than Matt Gibb bought pairs of pants meant there was a lot to unpack this week (mostly hats). Despite a wee emotional wobble, Courtney kicked off her own game and won an individual face-off, put two fierce players up for elimination and earned her own Saucy Lady Card to help in the final search for the treasure. Is the Saucy Lady also wearing seven hats? I like to think so. 

2. Steve Price

Old mate Pricey may have eliminated The Eliminator, but the highlight of his week had to be buying a can of sardines and some shampoo at the CTI market. Now that he smells both fresh and fishy, Steve-O is teaming up with Big Nick so they can go through the line, not to the line, or something? Games are fun.  

1. Nick Afoa

Hi vis cowboy + lo vis strategy = invincible? Makes sense. 

Celebrity Treasure Island: Te Waipounamu is on TVNZ2 at 7.30pm every Monday to Wednesday, and streams on TVNZ+. For weekly recaps, get amongst The Real Pod Extra on Substack.

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