Pete Douglas tunes in for Matt Heath’s first week in his new job on Newstalk ZB.

There are two ways to view Newstalk ZB. One is that it is a boomer hellscape, full of ads for retirement care facilities, patronised by a pitchfork-wielding mob desperate to jump on the blower to wail and gnash their teeth over greeny wokesters wronging them with the horror of rates rises and public transport projects. Another take is that it’s a hugely important part of the Aotearoa radio landscape, and represents the rare opportunity to reach a massive audience in an intimate way, at a time of great media upheaval and uncertainty.

I tend to skew closer to the former view, so I was having a tough time believing it when I heard that Leslie Matthew Heath was moving on from Radio Hauraki after 14 years to take up a new job hosting ZB afternoons alongside Tyler Adams. Heath is undoubtedly a man of many talents, but is fronting conservative talkback one of them? I had to find out, and so I did what any reasonable person on the autism spectrum would do and listened to all 20 hours of the first week of his show. 

Monday

Heath forgets to turn on his microphone, so his first words on this momentous occasion are “hang on a minute”. Once the technical difficulties are sorted, he notices that his new offsider has nabbed Mike Hosking’s flash studio chair. Adams drove all the way from Ōtautahi in one hit to start this new gig, and with his superior microphone and seat game he already appeals as just the old-fashioned talkback pro needed to negotiate these treacherous waters. 

Speaking of the cruel mistress of the sea, the big news of the day is the disastrous sinking of the HMNZS Manawanui off Samoa, and specifically whether the $100m naval vessel needs replacing. Both Heath and Adams reckon don’t bother, which proves to be a bold opening gambit. Naval enthusiasts are exactly the type of people happy to call in and correct our hosts in detail about the crucial work the ship does. To their credit, both hosts happily do a complete backflip and Heath deals with their first heckle on the text machine adroitly: “We can’t be loudmouth DJs, as there are no discs here to jockey.” 

Tuesday

The highlight of the show today comes when discussing the new Joker movie, and how Adams firmly believes all musical films are rubbish. Heath is gobsmacked – is the honeymoon over already? There’s some fun chat about movie musicals and Heath is so affronted by Adams’ lack of love for the genre that he creates a personal top 10 list. 

No one mentions Chicago at all, and I am left to wonder if a tale of sexy murderesses simply can’t exist in the rigid confines of the ZB universe.

Wednesday

With the change to a higher status station, Heath feels pressure to keep up with the Hoskings and change to a higher status of ($600!) linen sheets, which Hosking has apparently been raving about on his show. 

A bar in the Wellington CBD (or CPD – Central Party District as Heath rechristens it) has had trouble with noise control. In a great example of not being able to escape yourself wherever you go, a noise control officer who got called to Heath’s house 15 years ago dials in for an amusing yarn.  

The final topic for the day is about driver’s license tests, and the revelation that Heath failed his practical driving test because he was accidentally speeding the whole time is as on-brand as my own driving origin story of having a meltdown and scratching the wrong boxes in the written exam, something I definitely never think about to this day thanks for asking.  

Thursday

Today we are talking about the role of technology in sport officiating. Heath’s position is firm: “none technology in sport” (M. Heath 2024) and while calling for a return for the good old days seems like shooting fish in a barrel is this setting, a nuanced conversation ensues, and I still can’t make up my mind myself by the end what the right answer was.  

Friday

The big news is that Mike Hosking has accused Heath on air of being a disgusting pig for leaving sandwich debris in the studio. I like to imagine 30% of all ZB content is just Hosking bullying the other hosts, but Heath is not having any of it – calling out Hosking’s faux goody-two-shoes cleanliness after he leaves his fancy vacuum cleaner lying about. 

The Topical Tune segment sees each host put forward a track related to a news article and Adams beats Heath. His Celine Dion to Matt’s AC/DC is a lovely metaphor for the partnership that has blossomed over the course of the week, and one caller referring to AC/DC as “funky music” is a timely reminder of what frequency we are on.    

I must admit, this show is a lot of fun. Sure, if I never hear another ad where Mike Hosking has a conversation with his Alexa again, I will die happy, but Heath might just be a perfect afternoon talkback host. He’s well read, will take a position on anything and everything, and he and Adams never punch down on their topics and callers. I can absolutely see myself popping them on in car alone, even if I make sure absolutely nobody else knows about it.