Despite 30 years of relentless sales, the Briscoes Lady remains as energetic and positive as ever. Tara Ward tries to figure out why. 

New Zealanders can always be certain of three things – the prime minister cursing the All Blacks, Mike Hosking wearing ripped jeans and Briscoes having a sale. As we know, a Briscoes sale is nothing without the Briscoes Lady, the luminous goddess who constantly radiates a level of ecstasy that can only be experienced by scoring a massive month-end mark-down bargain.

Some find the Briscoes Lady’s endless enthusiasm more draining than a double-sided dish rack, or scoff at her claim that Briscoes is having their ‘biggest ever sale’. Those haters can stick it in their waffle makers, because for nigh on 30 years the Briscoes Lady has turned up, turned on, and shilled those foam memory mattress protectors like her life depended on it.

We salute you, Briscoes Lady, for your gallant service to our country. I mean, she personally guarantees the prices, what more do we need from a Kiwi legend?

The Briscoes Lady loves everything about Briscoes, even the clocks shaped like bicycles. I reckon every time she goes shopping, she runs through the electric doors, arms outstretched, wide-eyed with the thrill of it all. “Whatever you want, now’s the time to get it!” she’ll scream, her face raised to the fluorescent lights as she sprays her infectious enthusiasm far and wide like a brand new oscillating garden sprinkler.

Spray it my way, Briscoes Lady, because I just want to be part of your symphony. How does she stay so amazing, year after year? Why hasn’t Briscoes bottled her essence and chucked it on sale in a mid-aisle bargain bin, so we can imbibe Briscoes Lady’s legendary lifeblood? How can us mere mortals live our best life, like the Briscoes Lady is obviously living hers?

I’ve thought about this for at least seven minutes and the results are astounding. Let’s rejoice like there’s a 60% sale on this Thursday, because this handy guide to life will rock your world. Transform your home, transform your life, better living everyone.

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

If it’s a super deal, she’s super excited. Whether she’s hiding behind a suitcase or knocking down prices with a bowling ball, the Briscoes Lady radiates boundless energy and ‘joie de vivre’. That’s French for ‘batshit happy’, by the way.

She’s thrilled, I’m ecstatic, the loose glassware is dancing in the aisles. Briscoes has us covered and if that’s not something to be eternally stoked about then I bid you good day, sir. God bless consumerism and god bless you, Briscoes Lady.

 

Live every moment like it’s a mad midnight sale

Briscoes Lady, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee in a snorkel and wetsuit, I love thee dancing with dinner plates, but most of all I love thee dreaming of a garden shovel. I dig it, Briscoes Lady, but most of all I DIG YOU.

Never change

Be as timeless as a good set of thermal curtains.

But also, please change

“Small change makes a big difference,” the Briscoes Lady reckons, aka bloody genius advice. Small change, big change, change your duvet cover and make the world a better place.

Never let the bastards grind you down

No doubt the Briscoes Lady has seen some weird shit hit the shelves in her time, but she hawks that crap like it’s made of diamonds and pearls. So yes, I did just buy this ironing board that transforms into a stepladder, because the smile the Briscoes Lady gave me was 100% worth it.

Keep fit

Old mate Rawdon Christie is a hard nut to crack, but the Briscoes Lady damn near shattered his soul into a million pieces with her stonkingly awesome Running Man routine. Because what is life, if you do not run like a man?

(Nothing, that’s what. A big $4.99 flexi bucket of NOTHING).

Find your bliss

May we always feel such unbridled joy at the touch of stainless steel against our skin.

It’s terrifying to think of a time when this human ball of blue and yellow sunshine didn’t grace our screens. May the Briscoes Lady forever be in our lives as a glistening beacon of positivity in a cynical world, a classic that never goes out of style, a true New Zealand icon. Trust her, you’ll never buy better.