Tara Ward sorts the pretenders from the contenders after week one of the new season of Celebrity Treasure Island.
Time and tide wait for no-one, and neither does the seventh season of Celebrity Treasure Island. A brand new group of celebrity castaways washed ashore on a remote Northland beach this week, ready to win the nation’s hearts and a huge amount of money for charity. It was only week one, but already there were puffer jackets in the middle of summer, a tsunami of tears and balls flying everywhere. One unlucky star was injured as soon as the game began, another got told off by host Jayden Daniels, and everyone got really upset when one team stole the coffee.
CTI’s return has been highly anticipated, given this new season was funded by NZ On Air for the first time. But rather than refreshing things for reality TV fans who’ve feasted on the intricate twists and turns of shows like The Celebrity Traitors UK in the two years since CTI was last on our screens, CTI returned much as it ever was. Daniels and Bree Tomasel brought their usual big energy as hosts, but the first week felt like the show was going through the motions – the format appears largely unchanged and there were few surprises to keep viewers hooked.
Even the celebrities seemed to be feeling a little flat. Some players were shocked that their teammates were daring to strategise this early in the game, while others wept when the first castaway was sent home. “It’s real bummed-out vibes right now,” comedian David Correos said on Tuesday night. “There is no secret motel that we go back to, there’s no secret food, and when you’re eliminated, you’re eliminated.”
It’s supposed to be a silly, silly game, and like a bunch of farty actors dining out on three meals of rice and beans a day, we’re committed until the very end. CTI has a long and distinguished history of winning the nation over (is this finally the season where a woman digs up the treasure?), and they’ve promised this will be the most emotional season yet. With that in mind and a prize of $100,000 up for grabs, let’s soak up all the toots and tears and dive into week one’s power rankings.
Eliminated: Sammi Poole
Look, nobody wants to be the first person sent back to the real world, but the former Miss New Zealand joined an esteemed bunch of celebrities who have been eliminated on day one. It was a shame, given Sammi pulled the biggest power move of all when she opted for a jazzy pink puffer instead of wearing the supplied Kahu orange team jacket. We’ll never know what other tricks Sammi had up her (pink puffer) sleeves.
Eliminated: Polly Gillespie
Speaking of tragedies, here’s another one: Polly hurt her knee getting off the boat just seconds into the game, and battled through only to be eliminated on day two. Her bung knee was no match for Vinnie Bennett’s expert ball-balancing skills in the elimination challenge, meaning the former broadcaster was goneski. “This has been one of the best times of my life,” Polly told her tearful teammates. “You’ve been so kind.”
14. Georgia Lines
The singer-songwriter had a quiet week, but don’t be under any ‘Grand Illusion’ that she’s not here to play the game. Georgia helped build the giant fish puzzle that won Kahu their first team face-off challenge, leaving Tākapu by the ‘Wayside’ and contemplating the ‘End of the World’. Music to her ears, indeed.
13. Frank Bunce
Frank first competed on CTI in 2001, but can’t remember much about it. Luckily, he has “an unreal toss of the water” according to his teammates, who seemed surprised that a former All Black would be good at throwing things. Frank also popped his inflatable donut during the charity challenge slip and slide, which could be a terrifying omen for how powerful he really is.
11. Liv Parker
She’s just a girl, standing in front of a blow-up popsicle, asking $100,000 to love her. Also, Liv revealed she is “extraordinarily gassy”, thanks to all the beans she’s eating on the island. Farts – could they become the biggest power move of all in this game?!
11. Ria Vandervis
Ria played Harper Whitely on Shortland Street for many years, so it’s no wonder she hoped she’d have an unspoken alliance with Ben Barrington, the actor who played her on-screen husband. Wrong! Ben didn’t even entertain Ria’s tentative talk of a partnership, which seems a bit rude given Harper didn’t even divorce him after he fell into a poonami that one time.
10. Te Ao o Hinepehinga
She may have “stood next to Jason Momoa’s arse cheeks” in TV series Chiefs of War, but puzzle queen Te Ao is just happy to be here. “I am so stoked to see walls on our camp,” she said when team Kahu arrived at their new home. Walls! Arses! Television has never been more exciting.
9. Zion Dayal
Breaking news: Someone call old mate Michelangelo and tell him to get his felt pens out, because this moment is a work of art. TVNZ sports reporter Zion stands in the centre, his arm raised skyward, the cry of victory echoing around the challenge arena. He is embraced by his adoring team as catapults across the nation quiver in fear, having just witnessed the athletic feat of a journalist flinging lots of balls through a big hole. You never see this sort of shit on 1News at Six.
8. Nix Adams
Bloody loved Nix’s commentary through this week’s highs and lows. “I didn’t come here to stir the pot, but if the pot needs stirring, well damn,” she said on day one, before she revealed she hoped her new captain would be a Kardashian and that she had a phobia of sand on her feet. “It’s dramatic, but it’s my life.” As for being nominated for elimination by opposing captain Portia Woodman-Wickliffe? “I don’t know if they would think of me as a threat,” Nix said. “I’d be honoured if she did. I’d be bragging for years to come.”
7. Ben Barrington
Ben is so keen to win that he’s clambering over rocks to strategise with his captain and getting in trouble with Jayden Daniels for barking out instructions to his teammates during challenges. “He thinks he knows everything,” Ria said. The former Shorty Street star may be the bad boy of week one, but how beautiful is the background of this shot? Put it in Te Papa, or at the very least, in Chris Warner’s downstairs toilet.
6. David Correos
Watch out, Nadia Lim, because the nation’s newest celebrity chef David Correos has some incredible recipes to unleash on the public. Not only does he know what a kūmara in a box looks like, but David also tried to whip up a delicious meal for his teammates by reheating some rice and mixing it with boiled water. The result? A lovely bowl of gruel. “It looks like shit,” Nix told him. Bon appetit, mates.
5. Louis Davis
Content creator Louis could not believe it when Team Kahu chose Simon Barnett to be their captain instead of rugby legend and athletic powerhouse Portia Woodman-Wickliffe. “Idiots,” he said, before flinging himself down a slip‘n’slide on a giant inflatable unicorn.
4. Harrison Keefe
The Edge radio announcer cried a lot when his pal Sammi left, but he perked up to win $5000 for his charity by being the fastest celeb to build a plastic cup pyramid. The pressure was intense, the strategy fearless. “Plate, cup, plate, cup, cup, plate, cup, cup, cup, plate, cup cup, plate, cup, plate,” he explained. See? It’s easy when you know how.
3. Vinnie Bennett
Straight to the CTI Hall of Fame for actor Vinnie Bennett, who had us in tears after his heartfelt confession to Simon Barnett on day one. Just moments after they arrived together at camp, Vinnie revealed that two decades ago, Simon had come to his youth group and with just a few words, changed his troubled life for the better. “I really can’t thank you enough,” Vinnie told Simon. “Who knows where I would have gone without that little bit of support from another dude?” Roll credits and just award the $100,000 to these two right now, because this is the happy ending we all need.
2. Portia Woodman-Wickliffe
The rugby legend admitted that she was more nervous to come on CTI than to play in a World Cup match, which is not surprising given that rugby games never feature a slip‘n’slide. As captain of Tākapu, Portia was chucked straight into the emotional deep end by having to choose two players to fight it out for elimination. The decisions got even tougher and more teaful when Portia played her team’s steal reward card, which meant Tākapu claimed the coffee and food that Team Kahu had just won. “It’s a game,” Portia said. “We’re good people.”
1. Simon Barnett
Many moons ago, broadcaster Simon Barnett rocked up to Vinnie Bennett’s youth group and changed his life. That’s power, baby, even before you get to SiBa’s solid first week as captain of Kahu. Not only did Simon inspire his team to bond by taking an early morning swim together (a missed opportunity to sing “get up, get up, get out of your lazy bed”, if you ask me) but he also guessed correctly that David Correos did indeed have a kumara in his box. Plus, who else but Simon Barnett would be this stoked to wear a sequinned orange cap? How much more power do you need, New Zealand?
Celebrity Treasure Island screens on TVNZ2 on Mondays-Wednesdays at 7.30pm and streams on TVNZ+.
