Nine comedians share the jokes that poke the green-eyed monster in them.

Hayley Sproull

Too easy. It’s Justine Smith’s joke. A throwaway line that gets a rip-roaring laugh right at the top of her set. She comes out, says her hellos, grabs the mic out of the stand, moves the stand to the side and says “I’ll move that out the way so you can see me”. 

It’s just the silliest little starter that I wish I had written because it immediately lets the crowd know you don’t take yourself too seriously. And the idea of being so thin a mic stand would block you is brilliant.

Catch Hayley Sproull’s solo show Sproull on the Prowl on May 9 in Auckland and May 16 in Wellington. She will also be performing in the Best Foods Comedy Gala in Auckland (May1), Wellington (May 2) and Christchurch (May 3).

Johanna Cosgrove

 A comedian that is one-of-one for me is Chris Fleming. I’ve been a longtime fan (brag!) but this seven-minute bit in particular floored me.

I wish I wrote it. I regularly re-post it to assuage my jealousy and assert some kind of claim, like a daschund pissing on its owner’s socks. It’s niche, outrageous, verbose, physical and unwell – all of my markers for success.

See Johanna hosting Goblin Girls on May 5, 12 and 19 in Auckland and May 9 in Wellington. She’ll be with friends in Swipswop on May 7-8 in Wellington and May 13-14 in Auckland. She will also be on the line-up for B**** Better Have My Funny on May 15 in Auckland.

Hoani Hotene

I don’t know if this counts as a joke but when I was starting out there was one guy who would go to shows and film himself trying to heckle comedians. As in he was trying to get clips of him heckling for socials. 

I wish I’d come up with that. 

To me it’s so funny, the idea you’d watch a stand up do crowd work online, and be thinking “I wish I could see this from the perspective of the guy sitting down”. 

This dude did it without any irony and was honestly kinda annoying but he was also really serious about it. Once as he was leaving I heard him say “just couldn’t crack it tonight…” and he was talking about himself. 

So I don’t wish I went into shows and heckled comics, but I wish I’d thought of that as a sketch or character.

Hoani’s show Hoani, Hoani, Hoani, Must Be Funny in a Rich Man’s World is May 5-9 in Auckland and May 19-23 in Wellington. He is also hosting the Tāmaki Makaurau Preview Show on April 29.

Rhiannon McCall

Angella Dravid has this joke where she talks about how you can be too fat to fuck and then she compares having sex with her partner to the painting of the Creation of Adam.

I don’t necessarily wish that I had written this specific joke because the experience sounds quite stressful, but I do envy Angella because of how deeply funny and well executed the joke is. The way that Angella delivers it is beautiful. She is so gentle and softly spoken which contrasts with her dirty material. The joke builds and builds as Angella finds different angles, comparing her experiences of having sex with a painting, two parallel lines, and a hongi. The similes are creative and so perfectly written, and they just get funnier and funnier. This is the type of joke that inspires me and also makes me jealous because of how hilarious, clever, and well executed it is.

Catch Rhiannon McCall’s show Nosferatu Looking For Love is on May 5-9 in Auckland.

James Nokise

So there’s a joke from Maria Bamford that I think is just so fun and original and quickly shows the delightful ways Maria’s mind works. It crams so much into 90 seconds, with one simple, but awesome concept. I wish I’d written it, and I know I couldn’t have.

Catch James Nokise’s solo show One Night Only on May 9 in Wellington and May 21-23 in Auckland, he is also hosting a political comedy line-up show Now Hear This in Wellington on May 14.

Annie Guo

Mila Patel’s dating apps joke (starts from 6:35 below).

It’s a joke I still think about once in a while, and I still giggle a bit every time. I love jokes that connect two completely unrelated things in life – the whole idea is bizarre and perfect at the same time.

See Annie Guo in Artificial Infidelity: How Things are Going with my A.I. Boyfriends on May 7-9 in Wellington and May 13-16 in Auckland. Also see her in the Tāmaki Makaurau Preview Show on April 29 and the Best Comedy Show on Earth on May 17.

Booth the Clown

I realise this joke may not be “written” per se but I wish I had “written” David Correos’s “Mime Finding Out That His Family Has Been Brutally Murdered“.

It’s a brilliant physical joke where David names the impression off the top, gets into mime makeup and enacts the discovery that makes him scream so hard you see the dust of the mime makeup fly off his face. David nails the dark and absurd premise with his timing and commitment – the juxtaposition is so shocking and clever I wish I’d thought of it!

Catch Booth the Clown in Kissing Booth on May 13-16 in Auckland, and B**** Better Have My Funny on May 15 in Auckland.

Samantha Hannah

Sarah Keyworth’s menstrual cup (also known as a moon cup) joke. Sarah describes using one and… well I don’t want to ruin the punchline… so if you can, watch the clip!

(For those who can’t watch the clip, I’ll spoil it now… on looking at the little menstrual cup filled with blood, their first thought is… “shot it”)

Their timing in this is perfect. Exposing the intrusive thought is weirdly relatable and how visceral it is makes it funny. Even if you work out where it’s going, the punchline is delivered so well that it’s a delicious moment.

Watch Billy T nominee Samantha Hannah’s show Peekaboo! on May 12-16 in Wellington and May 19-23 in Auckland, or catch her in Te Whanganui-a-Tara Preview Show on April 30.

Heta Dawson

Sam Morril is doing a gig in Arizona and points out the high level of racism in the state – they were the last to recognise Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Like, no thanks… we’d rather work.

When I think of all the casual, covert and overt racism that has happened over the last few years, from our government, city councils, and undoubtedly will happen around the elections, it’s a premise that applies to many situations. For example, when Steve Gibson skipped a planning session because it was held at a marae. Or when Kevin Malcolm walked out during a karakia at the start of a council meeting. Or when Craig Jepson tried to stop karakia in meetings altogether. Then you’ve got the Ruapehu District Council voting to remove karakia from formal meetings entirely.

When did karakia start hurting feelings? Like… when did we go from “āmene” to “I feel attacked”? When did karakia become controversial? It’s a 30-second blessing, not a TED Talk. Can you point to where the karakia is hurting you? You’ve got councillors acting like karakia is a surprise attack. “Oh no… they’ve started speaking Māori… I’ve got to get out of here”

Sam’s joke hits in Arizona because it’s based on something that actually happened. They were the last to recognise MLK Day, and he turned that moment of racism into something people could laugh at – but also think, yeah, that’s messed up. Jokes that make you laugh and think are great jokes. They can hit harder.

Heta brings The Koro Chronicles to Auckland on May 7-9