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Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island: ‘Some of the comments that came out of my mouth left me gobsmacked.’
Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island: ‘Some of the comments that came out of my mouth left me gobsmacked.’

Pop CultureOctober 31, 2022

The greatest hits of Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island

Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island: ‘Some of the comments that came out of my mouth left me gobsmacked.’
Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island: ‘Some of the comments that came out of my mouth left me gobsmacked.’

She’s been a squash world champion, a race relations commissioner, and now she might just be the breakout television star of 2022. Alex Casey counts the ways. 

Prior to Celebrity Treasure Island, Dame Susan Devoy was known for one pithy, but powerful quote. “Centrum: complete from A to Zinc,” the squash world champion and yet-to-be race relations commissioner mused in the 90s multivitamin ad. “Do you feel 100%?”. Two decades on, the Devoy phrasebook has been updated in a big way to now include turns of phrase like “big vag”, “pissholes in the snow” and “bushpig”. 

The Centrum ad now joins everything created prior to September 5, 2022 in the monolith known as The Before Times, when Devoy was yet to be unleashed on a fake desert island and reveal her truly raucous, often feral self to 20 unsuspecting celebrities as well as the general public of Aotearoa.

Here are the greatest hits of Dame Susan Devoy on Celebrity Treasure Island, complete from A to Zinc.


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When she vomited mid-interview

We should have known when Dame Susan arrived in camp Kauri and immediately put away a whole tin of spaghetti that she was an insatiable snack-monster. Last week she feasted upon an entire crayfish with her bare hands, before delivering this outstanding mid-interview moment: 

When she assessed a possum’s genitalia

Where were you when our former race relations commissioner said “Jim’s got a big vag” on national television? I was lowering myself into my own coffin, where I remain to this day.

When she pioneered beach Wordle

The word was F-R-A-U-D.

When she told Mike King to “shut the fuck up”

Yes.

When she reminded everyone she was a world champ

When she thought the monolith was a “peep show” 

When a mysterious ancient structure arrived above camp, the contestants were abuzz with what it might contain. Some thought it might hold the treasure, or crucial clues, or perhaps even another surprise team member. Not our Susan though. “I think it’s a peep show,” she said defiantly, before later positing that an accompanying challenge might be “jelly wrestling”.

When she did the splits

Cam Mansel said it was “the funniest thing I have ever seen in life” and that it nearly made him “do wees”.

When she negged herself to hell and back

While everybody else was all radical self-love and positive affirmations, Dame Susan was out here with some some more realistic turns of phrase. “I nearly blew my foo foo valve,” she said of one particularly taxing challenge. “It reminded me that I’m bloody 58, my mind feels 21 but my body feels 100.” She lamented looking like “a bushpig” with eyes “like pissholes in the snow” before letting us all in our her beauty secret – her feet were “growing mould” and she had “no clean undies left”. 

When she broke out in hives 

When asked what was causing one side of her face to break out in angry sores, Dame Susan simply shrugged and said “I’m allergic to liars.”

When her final challenge went outside the box

Even when stepping up to her final challenge on Celebrity Treasure Island, Dame Susan did not disappoint. Toppling off a box while Courtenay delivered her emotional charity message, Dame Susan collapsed into a fit of giggles in the sand.

“Dame Susan, is there anything you can’t do?” host Matt Chisholm asked. “I can’t stand on a box,” replied our Dame. 

Celebrity Treasure Island continues tomorrow night at 7.30pm on TVNZ2

Keep going!
Tim McKinnel’s documentary Crime: Need vs Greed looks at the true cost of white collar crime (Image: TVNZ)
Tim McKinnel’s documentary Crime: Need vs Greed looks at the true cost of white collar crime (Image: TVNZ)

Pop CultureOctober 31, 2022

TVNZ’s new documentary wants to challenge our idea of what a criminal looks like

Tim McKinnel’s documentary Crime: Need vs Greed looks at the true cost of white collar crime (Image: TVNZ)
Tim McKinnel’s documentary Crime: Need vs Greed looks at the true cost of white collar crime (Image: TVNZ)

Crime: Need vs Greed investigates the true cost of white-collar crime, and whether we can do better for our most vulnerable.

The lowdown

Tim McKinnel wants to challenge our idea of what a criminal is in his new documentary Crime: Need vs Greed. The former detective and private investigator (known for his work in helping overturn Teina Pora’s murder conviction) delves into the impact of white-collar crime in New Zealand, asking why we talk more about traditional crimes like burglaries and drug deals rather than the corporate thefts – driven by greed – that cost New Zealand billions of dollars each year. “I’m worried that we’re locking up the needy and ignoring the greedy,” he says.

Crime: Need vs Greed looks at a variety of white-collar crimes, from complex investment fraud to smaller scale insurance scams. McKinnel talks to a variety of community experts about whether being “tough on crime” works, and how the prison system fails to support vulnerable members of our community, particularly Māori and Pacific Island people. It’s a thought-provoking documentary that ends with a clear answer to McKinnel’s questions: to get tough on crime, you need to get tough on poverty first.

The good

This is a documentary of two halves, with the first looking at the impact of white-collar crime on society, and the second considering the role poverty plays with crime. It’s pulled together by McKinnel as he highlights the inconsistencies between how the courts punish blue and white-collar criminals. “I’m not arguing we should stop holding people to account when they commit crimes,” he says, “but what do we gain from hammering already struggling people while white-collar criminals – most likely to steal our life savings – are more likely to be let off the hook?”

While the numbers of reported burglaries, robberies and drug offences are slowly trending down, white-collar crimes like fraud and scams are rising. McKinnel says this trend isn’t reflected in the media or in society’s opinions. Journalism lecturer Richard Pamatatau tells McKinnel that’s because corporate fraud is not as visually impressive than a car chase or ram raid, and that there’s an inherently racist approach to politicians vowing to “get tough on crime”. “When somebody embezzles a million dollars, I haven’t ever heard somebody say, ‘Let’s go and talk to Rotary. Let’s go and talk to the community leaders about this director or this Ponzi scheme or whatever’,” he says.

Tim McKinnel (Photo: TVNZ)

Crime: Greed vs Need wants to challenge our ideas of what a criminal looks like, but it’s at its strongest in the second half when discussing the connection between poverty and crime. It argues that we need to change the justice system so those with the least are not punished the most, and speaks with a variety of thoughtful experts who articulate the issues and solutions so clearly that you wonder why the government isn’t fixing our welfare system immediately.

“Poverty is the number one factor that drives criminal offending, because for many people, they don’t think they have any other options.” – Barrister Kingi Snelgar

“There are a number of people who talk about prison being the only place they’ve had a bed, that they’ve been fed, that they have their health care needs, dental needs seen to. That is a shocking indictment on New Zealand society.” – Criminal law lecturer Khylee Quince

“We know the earlier your contact with the criminal justice system, the more likely it’s going to be enduring across your life.” – Psychologist Tracey McIntosh

“You can talk about social mobility, but wouldn’t it be a better world if, actually, we ensured that no one was in poverty in the first place, and all kids were getting a decent start in life?” – Writer Max Rashbrooke

‘Hutt Valley, Kāpiti, down to the south coast. Our Wellington coverage is powered by members.’
Joel MacManus
— Wellington editor

The bad

The worst thing about Crime: Greed vs Need is seeing the statistics laid out bare. Tax law expert Lisa Marriott says while welfare fraud is publicly perceived as a major problem, the annual $26 million loss is nothing compared to the estimated $5-7 billion of tax avoidance each year. Natasha McFlinn, senior fraud manager at ANZ, reported a 91% increase in scam incidents in the last year, which is estimated to cost more than half a billion dollars each year – that’s over a million dollars a day, folks. They’re the crimes we’re too ashamed to talk about, with many scam incidents believed to go unreported to police.

White and blue-collar crimes are also viewed differently by the courts. Marriott noted that for the average tax fraud of $287,000, offenders had a 22% chance of receiving a prison sentence, but for the average welfare fraud of $67,000, offenders were 60% likely to be sentenced. “And only the most egregious of tax evasion cases ever end up being prosecuted,” Marriott adds.

This difference in how society treats white-collar crime is made strongest by Fete Taito, who shares his experiences of growing up in foster care and prison. “Honestly, in the 18 [years] I’ve done in jail, I’ve never seen a white-collar crime boy remanded in custody. They’ve been bailed the whole time. Then the ones I know of, even when they’ve been found guilty and remanded for sentence, they’re out on bail… White collar crime boys, they don’t lose much.”

The verdict

Watch it. Crime: Need vs Greed makes it clear that for the justice system to work, offenders need to have something to lose. White-collar criminals – usually Pākeha, wealthy and powerful – have more to lose than those living in poverty, yet they’re punished less in the courts, partly due to their “good character”. McKinnel leaves you in no doubt that New Zealand is an unequal society, and that things won’t change until we rehabilitate the welfare system. Ultimately, we’re focusing on the wrong criminals. “Imagine what the country could build if there was no tax fraud?” he asks. Imagine, indeed.

Crime: Need vs Greed streams on TVNZ+.