Cheer up, at least it’ll all soon be over.
So scientists have helpfully let us know that come 2050 we will all be burnt alive slash drown slash muslide slash rocks falling on your head. Climate change they say could become an “existential threat to human civilisation” that can never be undone.
If that doesn’t have you breathing into a paper bag and trying to count backwards from ten I don’t know what will. There’s no coming back from this in my opinion because we’re all terrible humans and corporations and politicians will never get it together. All we can do is accept our inevitable demise*.
Until then, let’s look on the bright side! Here are ten great things about us all dying together.
10. The bright side will actually exist and not be a figment of your imagination or a consequence of our toxic positivity culture.
According to scientists the world will be locked into a “hothouse Earth” scenario if we don’t take action against climate change now. This means 35% of the global land area, and 55% of the global population, will suffer and die through 20 days a year of “lethal heat conditions, beyond the threshold of human survivability.” That means lots of sun!
9. Trump won’t be president.
He’ll hopefully be dead or in a bunker.
8. You’ll finally be able to tell your therapist that your anxiety is based in reality and the crippling fear you have is actually warranted.
See Jeanette! I was right! No amount of deep breathing is going to help me now so just sign me for my lorazepam and fuck off.
7. Those inspo quotes saying we can change the world with love will finally be universally loathed as much as I currently loathe them.
Love is love! Love finds a way! Live, Laugh, Love! Love is all you need! Sorry @Quinoasmom we’re all going to die so retire those and while you’re at it – your K-Mart hacks killed the planet. #Blessed
6. Men named Steve will stop emailing me telling me I hate men.
And all men will die.
5. You won’t die alone anymore you loser.
We’re all dying together! And I’m positive that there will be riots of some kind so you’ll get lots of company before the end. Also I’m pretty sure apocalyptic end times make everyone horny so you might get some.
4. You know that animal you hate for no real reason? It will be dead.
I’ve always disliked killer whales. I think they’re nasty fuckers eating seals and shit. Good riddance fat panda dolphin.
3. It will be easier to ignore scientists and their “doomsday” “fake news” about “global warming”.
They’ll be dead. And you who said that climate change was a false flag to raise petrol prices will also be dead.
2. If you’re chronically anxious or depressed or have debilitatingly low self worth: It’s a mood!
We deserve hellfire and this way we get it even if we’re not religious.
1. You didn’t have any savings anyway.
What were you going to do? Retire? On what lol.
*Yes it feels inevitable. But, there’s a slim chance we can turn it around. So far, the only thing that looks like it might work is a “revolutionary, worldwide zero-carbon energy, industrial, and economic strategy, focused less on climate models and more on extreme scenario planning”.
I wasn’t really sober during high school so I’ll quote straight from the paper. “To reduce this risk and protect human civilisation, a massive global mobilisation of resources is needed in the coming decade to build a zero-emissions industrial system and set in train the restoration of a safe climate”.
Basically we need everyone to come together on a World War II level emergency mobilisation. A war on climate change if you will.
Considering how much men in power love war, surely this is possible. And if not, we might die from nuclear war instead of starvation slash fire slash drowning slash dehydration – or we might die from both!
There’s little else we can do. I mean, sure, not eating meat is a good idea (and will help you when all the animals die and you now know how to make a salad). Avoiding meat and dairy products is one of the biggest ways to reduce your environmental impact on the planet.
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And not driving is good (and will help you when we are riding the skeletal remains of our neighbours around) and consuming less and recycling more is obviously good but ultimately it’s the government and corporations with the power that we have to convince.
Climate scientists recently came up with a list of nine things you can do to prevent the end times. “Using your voice as a consumer, a customer, a member of the electorate and an active citizen, will lead to changes on a much grander scale” was number one. Joining the rebellion is a good idea – when we have to explain to our kids what we did to try to save their future that might help them not hate us.
Denial, though, probably doesn’t help. And that’s what I’m working on. It seems impossible to face a reality where our children will inherit a burning planet. To acknowledge we are facing mass extinction of our own making feels like it’s too much to carry. But we have to. Only through facing this, and acting together can we possibly not die together.
Because while it might seem like the world that gave us Bachelor in Paradise 8 don’t deserve a second chance, our kids are blameless, and they do.
The Spinoff’s science content is made possible thanks to the support of The MacDiarmid Institute for Advanced Materials and Nanotechnology, a national institute devoted to scientific research.
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