In a new series looking at relationships in New Zealand, a woman who’s been married 51 years explains what has made it work.

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Age: 70

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Ethnicity: Pākehā

Religion: Raised Anglican but no longer a church goer.

Occupation: Retired

Length of relationship: 51 years.

Children: Three, now adults, all partnered; seven grandchildren.

How we met: During orientation week my first year of university, introduced by a previous boyfriend. We fell in love really fast. I was 17, he was 20. We were married two years later, still students with very little money and parents who were a bit disapproving and wondered how we’d survive.

The best thing about my relationship: Having someone who loves and accepts me warts and all. We’ve managed to stay together and negotiate changes in ourselves and our lives over what feels to me to be four different marriages: young, passionate love, bringing up children (I stayed home to raise them for nine years before going back to work), the busy mid-life career focussed sandwich generation and now retirement together.

A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Who controls the TV remote? None really – we work through things, sometimes with a bit of difficulty but we get there – and we’ve learnt that time carries you past most things.

This is how we share/separate our finances: We started out with very little so we’ve always had totally joint finances. We discuss and review every so often, but our ‘money styles’ are quite similar, take care of the income but enjoy spending when you can, and that reduces conflict.

This is how we split chores and childcare: It’s a pretty even split along gender lines (I cook all the time and I wish that wasn’t so, and I was home parenting so did most of that until they were a bit older) but since retirement we tend to share more and work together on household and garden jobs. We think of our skills as complementary most of the time although I am more keen on organisation and tidiness which can create a bit of interesting friction sometimes.

Our sex life in three words: Comfortable, accepting, relaxed.

The thing that makes me a good partner: I try to be a good communicator.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: To be less picky about untidiness in all things.

What I most appreciate in my partner: His loyalty, generosity and unselfishness. He always tries to make me happy and encourages me in everything I do.

What I most resent in my relationship: Nothing to resent. Nothing at all … although maybe Sky Sport has a lot to answer for!

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: I think it’s our joint ability to take the wider view of things now: we went through some rocky times when the children were small and later because of job hassles and sometimes it felt like our marriage was threatened. Nothing shakes us now because we know despite anything we’re in it for the rest of our lives.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: I can’t think of anything surprising…

Our last big fight was about: I can’t remember! That’s the bonus of age I guess. Just kidding. We haven’t had a big fight since 2016 – and that’s a guess.

If I hadn’t met my partner: That’s an interesting question that I just can’t answer. I recommend Paul Theroux’s novel My Other Life where he explores this idea fully in elegant prose.

I expect my relationship to last until: Either of us dies. We talked about this recently and decided it wouldn’t be a bad thing to go together.

My relationship advice is: Listen more than you talk – it’s the most important thing for intimacy.. Respect each other. Have fun together and apart. Sex is important – it isn’t everything and changes over time. Keep physically close no matter what – touch matters. Most things are better after a cup of tea. And now I’m older I would add, keep fit together and make your last years together as good as possible.