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SocietyJanuary 9, 2021

Please enjoy these savage reviews of New Zealand’s favourite landmarks

Senior writer
LX (3)

Summer reissue: Turns out that a lot of people are very mad at a lot of our iconic tourist attractions. 

First published on January 9, 2020.

This summer will go down in history as the first time that I stood in the shadow of the mighty L&P bottle in Paeroa. The rumours are true – I have never seen a botty so big. After a sheepish look around for someone to take our picture, a young lad with a neon festie bracelet emerged bleary-eyed from his campervan to help us. We took a photo, made some disastrous small talk about the traffic, and went our separate ways. A memory – and a friendship – made forever. 

As we headed home to Auckland, I opened up Google reviews and compared our experience to those of other enthusiastic travellers. The five star reviews were brimming with the same national pride that I felt for the big drop of ice cold fizz. “30 years between drinks” said Barry, five stars. “Home away from home” said Rochelle, who also gave it five stars. “Never know what’s going to be around the next curve in New Zealand” said Elaine, who also dropped a sizzling fiver. 

Scrolling further down, the Google reviews began to sour. “In real life it’s a lot smaller like the Leaning Tower of Pisa,” humblebragged Lyn. “Would have been a longer visit if it wasn’t for the torrential rain that day.” Poor Lyn. Three stars. “Its a bottle in a carpark mmm” wrote Angela ambiguously in her two star review. Alecia, who left only one star for the enormous bottle, was much clearer. “Just a big bottle that smells like wee,” she wrote, “srry”.

Inspired by the incredible combination of disappointment, melancholy and rage being hurled at one of our most iconic landmarks, I scoured Google reviews to see what else has been absolutely torn to shreds by furious tourists.

NORTH ISLAND

The Hundertwasser toilets

The mighty Hundertwasser Toilets (photo: Wikipedia)

The famous public loo with a view (art), Friedensreich Hundertwasser’s crappers are one of the few toilet blocks in the world also recognised as a work of art. Completed in 1999 by the reclusive artist, they are the most photographed bogs in the country and the main attraction in Kawakawa. Wow, what an incredible bit of weird Kiwi tourism. I’m sure everyone loves them!


The Skytower

The mighty Skytower at night (Photo: Wikipedia)

Oh, only the bloody tallest structure in the Southern Hemisphere at over 300m high with a restaurant that SPINS AROUND very SLOWLY in the SKY. What a modern marvel, what a feat of engineering, what an icon of the Auckland skyline. Surely no complaints here.

Tongariro National Park

The mighty Tongariro Crossing. Photo: Wikimedia Commons

Wow, just the oldest national park in New Zealand and a UNESCO heritage site. “With its ruggedly diverse landscape, from volcanic peaks to lush native bush and rivers, the Tongariro National Park World Heritage Site is a natural wonder that beams quintessential New Zealand,” the Visit Ruapehu site reads. Also home to one of the world’s best one day hikes – aren’t we lucky?!

Huka Falls

Huka falls in action. (Photo: Wikimedia)

“Witness the phenomenon of natural hydro power with more than 220,000 litres of water per second barreling over an 11 metre high waterfall.” Sounds pretty good, no?

Splash Planet

The mighty Splash Planet. (Photo: Facebook)

I have extremely fond memories of paddling my way through Splash Planet as a kid on a summer trip to Hastings. Waterslides, hot dogs and lazy rivers – still sounds like a cracking day out to me to be honest.

SOUTH ISLAND

Aoraki/Mount Cook

The mighty Aoraki. (Photo: Wikimedia)

New Zealand’s highest mountain at 3,724 m above sea level, Aoraki can be seen from as far as 150km away. It was also the training ground where Sir Edmund Hilary prepared to climb Mount Everest. These days it is home to only our most adventurous of tourists. 

Church of the Good Shepherd, Tekapo

The mighty Church of the Good Shepherd. (Photo: Wikimedia)

By day it sits against the deep blue background of the stunning lake, by night it sits beneath the dazzling night sky, untouched by light pollution in the southern hemisphere’s first ever Dark Sky Reserve. Such a beautiful place it would probably even make Ricky Gervais believe in God. Right guys?

The Big Cromwell Fruit

The mighty big fruit. (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

We love our Big Things here in New Zealand, and no cluster of fruit is more sizeable than those that greet you in sunny Cromwell. Home to a place called ‘Bargarita’ and also Gareth from Married at First Sight NZ season two, this landmark is absolutely unmissable and completely unforgettable.

Moeraki Boulders

You haven’t really lived until you have taken a photo pretending to hatch out of one of these puppies, or pretending to have split one clean in two with your mighty strength. The Moeraki Boulders are a must-do photo opportunity and I am sure that absolutely everyone agrees that they are good.

#ThatWanakaTree

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Keep going!
Andrew Merhtens, one of the best Kiwi proponents of the drop goal (Image: Getty Images/Leonie Hayden)
Andrew Merhtens, one of the best Kiwi proponents of the drop goal (Image: Getty Images/Leonie Hayden)

OPINIONSocietyJanuary 7, 2021

In defence of the drop kick

Guest writer
Andrew Merhtens, one of the best Kiwi proponents of the drop goal (Image: Getty Images/Leonie Hayden)
Andrew Merhtens, one of the best Kiwi proponents of the drop goal (Image: Getty Images/Leonie Hayden)

Summer reissue: After last weekend’s Bledisloe Cup match, Justin Latif asks why we’ve fallen out of love with drop kicking.

First published October 17, 2020.

October 6, 2007 was truly one of the darkest days of my life. 

To many New Zealand sports fans, just hearing the words “two thousand and seven” elicits cold sweats and furrowed brows.

If you’re unsure what I’m referring to, it’s the night the All Blacks inexplicably lost to France in the 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter-final – yes, the quarter-final!  

I have buried the memories of this particular day so deeply I can’t even remember where I was when we lost. All I can recount is a numbing sense of emptiness that lasted so long, I didn’t watch another game for almost 13 months. 

Apart from a missed forward pass by referee Wayne Barnes (endlessly replayed on this video), the key reason this seemingly invincible team lost was it chose not to kick a drop goal, until Luke McAllister made a rushed, desperate attempt at the 79-minute mark from halfway. 

Such was the opprobrium following the loss, the NZRU conducted a full review and reached this view in their conclusions: “We recognise that in the last 10 minutes of the second half, the All Blacks faced a dilemma. Whether to go for a drop goal or whether to continue to score through a try or a penalty. The coaches sent out a message with 10 minutes to go to set up for a drop goal. The on-field decision was made to continue with attempting to score a try or get a penalty. The players were unaware of a vital piece of information, that the All Blacks had not been given a penalty in the entire second half and were probably unlikely to get one.”

The callous hopelessness of that final sentence almost renders me a withering mess. And therefore, with this traumatic memory deeply etched into my soul, I was psychologically triggered on Sunday as I watched both the All Blacks and Wallabies play out almost nine minutes of overtime without one side going for a drop kick. 

But before you file an injunction against The Spinoff, this column isn’t a criticism of the players on the weekend. Rather I’m questioning the general reticence towards the drop kick that’s developed across New Zealand rugby. And I hope by airing my frustrations, we can get a conversation going about the need to return this form of scoring to the arsenal. In fact, I would like to go as far as arguing that we must re-embrace the drop goal as a thing of beauty, not as the object of scorn when performed by some toffee-nosed Englishman. In recent history, the best Kiwi proponent of the drop goal was probably Andrew Mehrtens, and despite being a Blues fan, I can grudgingly admit that one of his droppies had an almost poetic artistry to it. 

Despite looking only 12 years old and suffering from crippling food poisoning, the plucky Cantabrian almost drop-kicked New Zealand to World Cup victory in 1995 with his enormous altitude-induced missiles.

But arguably his most famous drop kick came for the Crusaders, where, after effortlessly chipping the ball through the posts with his trade-mark timing and choir boy haircut, he then broke with his cherubic demeanour and gave the crowd the ultimate single-fingered salute. 

Perhaps if we take Mehrtens’ example, the key to re-popularising this means of point scoring is to also encourage players to follow up their successful kicks with outrageous celebrations. Given our star players’ love of social media platforms such as Instagram and TikTok, maybe the NZRU could create a new dance trend, with the help of Jawsh 685, that encapsulates the taking of a drop kick? 

Whatever it takes, the time is well overdue for our nation to come to terms with our dissonance towards the dark art of kicking a ball through a set of rugby posts during open play. Instead of recoiling from such individualistic pursuits, every coach and rugby-obsessed parent needs to patriotically take up this cause, and impress upon their young charges the need for the religious practice of drop kicks. 

Lest we forget 2007.

Independent journalism depends on you. Help us stay curious in 2021.  The Spinoff’s journalism is funded by its members – click here to learn more about how you can support us from as little as $1.

Society