I can’t bear the thought of them hating me.

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Dear Hera,

I am in my late 20s and suffering the fallout of a first breakup. I broke up with my ex in a stressful period of their life. I wanted to help, but felt my love and support was being rejected. I quickly questioned then regretted breaking up in this moment of rejection. I asked to try work things through, but ultimately she decided to move on without me.

Months down the road I am still suffering deeply with feelings of guilt and regret. I feel ashamed of leaving someone I care about when they were in a bad place, and regret not being the supportive partner I think they deserved. I can’t bear my ex remembering me for how I left them and not the love and support I wanted to share with them. I have obsessed over being the best ex in this situation – respecting their decision and boundaries and giving them the space they asked for, but I long to get a chance to speak again.

I recently found out she is seeing someone new (which hurts!) and on top of this I have had a job opportunity come up overseas. I am haunted by these unresolved feelings, and I don’t want to leave without having had a chance to reconcile with this person. What can I do to resolve this?

Heartbroken Homie

Dear HBH,

It doesn’t matter how old you are, your first major breakup is always excruciating – even when it’s theoretically all your fault. Especially when it’s (theoretically) all your fault. At least when you’ve been dumped, you can wallow in the comfort of knowing you’re the wounded party, and get to wander around feeling exquisitely sorry for yourself in a daring backless dress. There’s a special kind of pain that comes with knowing you’re entirely to blame for your own misery. The only way to get through it is to lie in bed, watching Dr Zhivago with the volume down, and eating loose-leaf salad straight out of the bag, like a recently anaesthetised horse. 

Your letter is a little skint on gory details, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that when you say you broke up during a “stressful period” of your ex’s life, you don’t mean you broke up with her during her mother’s funeral service. It sounds like she was going through a tough patch, you were a little insecure, impulsively suggested breaking up during a fight, and she called your bluff. You tried to walk it back, only to discover it was too late.

Obviously, this is a dumb way to accidentally end a relationship, especially if you didn’t actually want the relationship to end. But you can take a little comfort in the knowledge that there’s no perfect way to break up with someone. Even with the best intentions, it’s impossible to get out of the experience emotionally unscathed. I’m also not convinced this was entirely your doing. If that was enough to end your relationship, there were probably some other problems lurking beneath the surface.

Which brings us to the question: should you get in touch and say something before you leave the country?

Honestly, it depends. It’s probably not a great idea, but here are some questions to consider:

Have they explicitly asked you not to get in touch? If so, you should respect their request.

Are you secretly hoping they’ll want to get back together? Bad idea.

What, exactly, are you planning to say? Is it just a more eloquent version of something you’ve already said? If you want to apologise or haven’t properly expressed your regret for the way things ended, maybe there’s a case for reaching out with a no-strings apology. Some people appreciate a little closure. Others aren’t interested. But if you don’t have anything new to say, I would take a beat.  

A few months is not a lot of time. It’s arguably the most miserable point in the entire breakup timeline, when you’re over the initial shock and have had just enough time to miss your ex. Right now, in the fog of heartbreak, this feels like an emergency. Your brain is telling you to take immediate and decisive action. The idea of your ex carrying animosity towards you is unbearable. 

I get it. I really do. But my advice is not to rush into anything. Be patient. Time really does heal most, if not all, wounds. 

If the majority of your relationship was loving and supportive, and you shared plenty of happy memories, I am extremely confident you will eventually find a way to be on good terms. The only thing required of you right now is a little patience. 

Depending on how long you were together, you might have to be patient for a while. It might even take years. But once you’ve both moved on, you’ll discover that time has an incredible ability to burn away ancient grievances and residual feelings of bitterness, until you’re mostly left with funny stories. People have an amazing capacity for goodwill and forgiveness. But in order to get to that point, you have to give people the space to grieve and move on, and allow yourself to do the same.  

This takes time. Luckily, you both have your whole lives ahead of you. I think it’s great that you have an opportunity to move overseas. There’s no better tonic to self-inflicted emotional devastation than to fill your eyes with the world, meet new people, and make a romantic fool of yourself in another language. Embrace the experience with open arms, and try to appreciate your newfound freedom. Right now, the end of your relationship feels like a hideous mistake, but I suspect that in time, you’ll look back and be grateful things ended when they did. This opportunity will change your life in ways you can’t yet anticipate. 

If you want to get in touch with your ex and see if they’re willing to talk, that’s up to you. I’m not the heartbreak police. But if they’re not ready to take the first step, don’t despair. Life is longer than you can imagine. 

Don’t be in a hurry to put the world to rights. The future will forgive the past. The hard part is waiting.