Three wooden mannequins in skimpy swimsuits pose against a bright yellow background, each with a sun-like aura behind them. One stands with a hand on their hip, another kneels, and the third reclines on the ground.
Happy for you but I ain’t wearing that (Image: Anna Rawhiti-Connell)

SocietyDecember 14, 2024

I see hundreds of ads for togs so why is it so hard to find a decent pair?

Three wooden mannequins in skimpy swimsuits pose against a bright yellow background, each with a sun-like aura behind them. One stands with a hand on their hip, another kneels, and the third reclines on the ground.
Happy for you but I ain’t wearing that (Image: Anna Rawhiti-Connell)

Togs, togs, everywhere and not a pair I want to wear. 

A few years ago, during another round of Cranium, my dad announced that as he only had a certain number of “good summers left”, he would not be spending them playing board games with his family. He has no way of knowing how many good summers he has left, but as someone who lacks the right temperament for board games, I respect his stance.

We all have a finite number of summers left, and my greatest wish for mine is to find just one pair of togs that meet what was, until this year, two pretty simple criteria:

  • Bum cover
  • The creation of a distinction between where my breasts end and my back starts
A donut chart titled "Seasons of my Instagram" with segments for October-January in yellow labeled "TOGS! TOGS! TOGS!", February in orange for fitness apps, and March-September in red for perimenopause and cortisol remedies.
My Instagram ads

From the end of October, every second ad in my Instagram feed is for companies with names like SwimCupBahaBoomBoom, featuring carousels full of people on holiday wearing swimwear of all kinds. They all look so happy to be participating in the swimwear industrial complex, which is booming.

Like a person emerging from a cave after 30 years of living with wolves, I am confused by this state of things. Until my thirties, I only owned one swimsuit at any given time. Shopping for them, no matter how I felt about my body, was always a hideous, sweaty and badly lit experience, and before online shopping, had to be done in person in horrible changing rooms. When I told others about my single pair of togs, they responded in disbelief, “Surely two, one for swimming in chlorine pools and one for outside water”. Unbelievably, like the feral wolf-woman I am, I just wore the same pair everywhere. I only branched out into having two pairs when I started swimming laps at indoor pools regularly.

Swimwear boomed in the 2010s, bounced again after the pandemic when we could travel, and it has not settled down. Statistica reports that the Sports & Swimwear market worldwide generated a revenue of US$97.32bn in 2024. Swimwear is relatively cheap to make, especially if you’re already in the sportswear or lingerie business, and because it’s lightweight, it’s very cheap to ship.

Ironically, it’s also one of the worst items to try and buy online. That seems to have had a generative effect, spawning thousands of businesses attempting to respond to data and consumer demand, which in turn begets more consumer demand and more data. The more people in perfect swimwear you see, the more you believe the perfect pair for you is just 17 hours of scrolling and searching away.

Instagramming your holiday has also surpassed homeostasis in the hierarchy of human needs.

In 2019, the founder of Andie Swim, Melanie Travis, told Vox, “A lot of places people go are sunny, water-based vacations. It follows, then, that you’re buying more swimsuits to go on these vacations. Since you’re Instagramming it every day, you need to be wearing a different swimsuit. The number of swimsuits that women are buying, generally, is going up.”

A collage of various swimsuits displayed on models and hangers. The styles include one-pieces and bikinis in multiple colors and patterns. Each column showcases different designs against a purple background.
A small sample of my Instagram feed

Social media, e-commerce and performative vacationing have created the perfect cauldron of events for the swimwear boom, and yet, with each passing ad and option, I feel more alienated. The offerings seem increasingly wild and complicated, involving straps, ties and cutouts. One swimwear company whose ad frequency setting is dialled up to 11 keeps trying to sell me an innovative multi-piece contraption that can be mixed and matched. It reminds me of the iconic Day to Night Barbie of the 80s — a shimmering ideal but too much faff.

As Gabi Lardies has correctly observed, it has become increasingly difficult to find bikini bottoms that aren’t thongs.

It gives me no pleasure to bring you this news, but after seeing hundreds of ads for swimwear on Instagram, I have two new observations about togs that necessitate adding more criteria to my list. Togs must: 

  • Contain my labia, both minora and majora
  • Prevent the sun’s rays from burning my nipples or any part of me previously covered by simply wearing togs
Three images of revealing swimsuits: a side-profile black bikini with thin ties, a blue monokini with a central cutout and halter neck, and a brown monokini with a deep V-cut and thin straps.
No.

I am happy for anyone happy to twist themselves in some string, call it done and feel stunning, but I just want to walk out of the water without my labia winking at people. 

I want to pull a pair of togs up and dive beneath the waves without worrying about an escaped tit when surfacing. I don’t even have that many breast-related requirements for togs. I don’t mind if I have a monoboob. I don’t care if they don’t look perky. I am fine with them merging with my armpit when I lie down. I need enough fabric to cover and reasonably secure them and for that fabric to create a solid border between my breasts and my back when standing or sitting.

Two images of a person in a black swimsuit. The text on the left image says "No harsh tan lines for just $0.18 per wear bettertanswim.com." The right image shows the person from the back standing in shallow water. Both images have a red border.
The tan-through swimwear for extra skin cancer.

I also want to float in a starfish shape on top of the water and do it in one pair of togs that covers the bits of my body that are too lily white and delicate to see the sun. Tanning is back thanks to TikTok, and while tan lines are apparently a badge of honour, you can now buy togs that the sun shines through.

I hopefully ordered a pair of togs recently that looked like they fit my simple brief. Trying them on at home, they met three of my criteria but failed the land-based version of the wave diving test, the jump test. Providing further proof to my theory that my phone hears everything; the thumps and flopping sounds were relayed back to every “fuller busted” swimwear company in the land, and now one of my precious and finite summers is being spent bombarded with algorithmic remainders that my body belongs in a special category. One that apparently requires $300 worth of industrial steel and the same fabric used to construct racing yacht sails.

For now, I am returning to the cave. Hungry like a wolf, I wait for just a simple pair of togs. Please, send help.

‘If you value The Spinoff and the perspectives we share, support our work by donating today.’
Anna Rawhiti-Connell
— Senior writer
Keep going!
Perhaps the best gifts are those you make. (Image: Gabi Lardies).
Perhaps the best gifts are those you make. (Image: Gabi Lardies).

SocietyDecember 13, 2024

A gift guide for people who really don’t want to buy shit

Perhaps the best gifts are those you make. (Image: Gabi Lardies).
Perhaps the best gifts are those you make. (Image: Gabi Lardies).

Gifts can be a source of joy this Christmas even if you hate capitalism.

It can get very tiring buying stuff and yet giving people gifts is also a joy and Christmas is a time when one is expected to do a lot of it. But while snazzy and expensive things can be nice, it’s been a long year and many people are feeling the pinch right now, so this is a gift guide of stuff that is somewhat homemade, uses things you already have and isn’t going to sit around forever. It is good to remember that presents that are thoughtful and useful and silly can be very appreciated and gifts do not have to be flashy or large or expensive to be meaningful! 

Homemade wrapping paper 

While I (Shanti) have previously gone on the record as a wrapping paper grinch, if you are in a situation where wrapping paper is unavoidable, skip buying a roll of paper, and instead scrounge around for some newspaper or maybe brown paper bags. Drawing some simple designs, even just squiggles if you have some paint, makes for very fun wrapping. 

A recipe and ingredients

Getting the ingredients for a nice salad or meal, especially if these ingredients are on the bougier end, is a gift that you might actually be able to enjoy. Find a recipe that looks like something the recipient might like, then write it out by hand in your neatest handwriting; almost everyone will like the gift of not having to think about a meal. (This might involve buying things but you could also get cunning with ingredients you already have…) 

A personalised list of recommendations 

One of the more thoughtful gifts I (Shanti) received for my 21st birthday was from a friend with whom I’d been talking about books, music and movies all year. He wrote a list of some of his favourites (I believe there were five books, five music videos, five TV shows and five movies) and I blue-tacked it to my bookshelf. Whenever I watched one of the recommendations I got to talk about it with him. I’ve also had success with giving a friend a voucher promising to read a book of their choice in the next year, because one of the worst feelings is reading or watching something amazing and then not having anyone to talk to about it. 

A foraged bouquet 

Who could deny this beauty?

Having flowers is so nice, it is such a sweet gift of something temporary yet beautiful which people often won’t get for themselves. But florists, being professionals who have to get up very early to go to flower auctions and suchlike, can be expensive. Instead, why not find something colourful, like leaves in a whole lot of different shades, maybe in your garden or the berm or the park? OBVIOUSLY this is not carte blanche to lean over other people’s fences and pick their prize roses, use your good judgement! But there are a lot of overgrown berms and lavish lavender bushes and overhanging tree boughs that you could just… go for. I once received a mini bouquet that a friend had picked on the walk from the train station to my house, tied with a ribbon she had on her, and was delighted; but if you want to spend longer arranging the plants then by all means trim them first, find a receptacle (maybe a glass jar otherwise destined for the recycling) and gift away! 

Putting something in a different bottle to make it lovelier

Olive oil is very expensive these days but even a small bottle of nice olive oil could be a good gift. Or maybe you have some grapefruits still on your grapefruit tree and want to heat them up with sugar to make a grapefruit syrup, or you could add some chilli flakes and cumin seeds and ginger to some plain oil to make a chilli oil, or you could do some foraging for edible herbs or botanicals (kawakawa and horopito are a great choice) and infuse them into some alcohol, or maybe you already make kombucha and could simply make a batch to give as gifts. 

Max out the cottage core aesthetics.

At any rate, you will want to put your giftable liquid in a gift-worthy bottle. Keep an eye out on what ends up in your house’s recycling bin or poke around the top of the fridge where your father tends to keep items that might be useful later. Clean the bottle and decant the liquid, then tie a ribbon around it, or attach a hand-written label or get one of these special little nozzles (yes it’s buying things but only a very small thing) and you will have an excellent gift. One of the principles of this gift guide is that people love things that are hand written because it usually looks like you made an effort. Note: almost all of this advice also applies to things you might put in jars, like slips of paper on which you’ve written words with interesting definitions or mixed nuts or homemade chutney

Baking

Mmmmm! Who doesn’t love homemade cookies? They’re already in portions and can be stored longer than, say, a cake. (In case you’re wondering, no one likes Christmas cake.) If you’ve got a few people to make cookies for, you can make a few different types and give each of them a mix, like a sampler pack. I know we’re trying not to buy anything but presenting them in a tin (perhaps from the op shop) is lovely. If we’re being super strict we could stack them in a reused glass jar and tie a ribbon around the top. The formula is: jar + handmade label + ribbon = gift. It’s these little details that make it. 

A homemade bag charm or plushie

It’s fashion, baby.

Bag charms and plushies are so hot right now. If you’re a sewer, cute ones can be made simply using scraps. A bag charm is basically a plushie attached to a clip you can get for approximately 20 cents from your local emporium. There’s a few free patterns online, or you can make your own for simple shapes like hearts and stars. The charm of these soft talismans is in their detailing, so take the time to add special stitching, beads, mix fabrics, ribbons or embroidery. 

Vouchers for acts of love

All humans have little messy corners of their life they’d love some help with. The dirty car. The over-stuffed wardrobe. The squeaky door. The art they haven’t put up yet. The garden. The spiders in the shed. Offer your time to help! Of course, simply saying so won’t really do the trick for Christmas. It’s about presentation – we are visual creatures. Make them a little book of vouchers, each with a task that you can help with, or a voucher to hire your services as a handy person for a day (or two). If they haven’t cashed anything in by February, remind them!

An experience

It doesn’t have to be a scary expensive adrenaline rush like skydiving or bungee jumping – instead it could be a particular tramp, a massage, a weekend at a lovely campsite by the beach, a date night, tickets to a comedy show, a manicure, a membership to the zoo or a to a yoga studio. OK, some of these are expensive, but the ones that require more planning, like a beach camping weekend, come out on top. Just make sure you actually do it. 

Take a trip to the op shop

We should consider the op shop an eco-friendly and economic mini mall. Buying stuff here almost doesn’t count, because truly most have things coming out their ears. For Christmas presents I’d steer away from the clothes. Instead I’d look out for beach games, craft supplies, vintage ceramics or glassware, silk scarves or cute accessories. If you don’t have a lot of time or you’re not a good rummager, try out antique shops. They’re often affordable and have done some of the looking for you. 

Top tip: A handmade card (I personally recommend collaging unless you’re an artistic genius who can draw) is the essential part of a gift. It’s the lovely sentimental slop you write inside that counts. Anything extra is like a cherry on top.